Twinkle Little Star

Hospitals, Kiddie PT, Hospital, Mars

Before I say this thing I was thinking today and you all think I'm nuts, let me just say that of course, it sucks to be sick. It sucks to have pain. It sucks to have your life stalled by hospitalization and illness.

But D and I and the kids are comfortable around hospitals. We are comfortable around healthcare people. More than that...we are extremely grateful for many of the health care professionals in our lives. Sometimes, we even enjoy them and getting to know them and their company. We have an affection for them and the whole health care system.

Not that there aren't certainly terrible problems with it, and not that we don't on occasion run into an asshole doctor or nurse. I'm not talking on a systemic level that we have an affection for health care, a comfort in it. On a systemic level, it is quite fucked up. But on a personal, day-to-day level, there is comfort there.

I was just thinking about this today, because I'm getting tired of hearing from a group of women about how they would NEVER have their baby in a hospital and hospitals are for sick people, not pregnant women and how it is so unnatural and sterile and awful and how could anyone willingly have their baby there?

Okay, first of all, I have no problem with the decision to give birth at home. If that is where you feel comfortable, great. I assume you have weighed the pros and cons and evaluated risk and made an intelligent decision based on your needs. Women have been treated crappily in the whole OB field. And women should get to make whatever educated decision they want to make about their own pregnancy and birth. As should all people who utilize health care. So I'm not saying there is anything wrong with having your baby at home.

But, I wish some of these home birth advocates could understand that this is an individual decision and a home birth is not right or even plausible for everyone. It is luck and (in our society) a little bit of privilege that allows some women to be able to do this. In a perfect world, it would be nice if everyone could give birth either in their homes or in lovely, tranquil birthing centers with angelic midwives...and also have a Level 1 NICU and trauma team available if need be. In a perfect world, we should not have to choose between the two.

But to say that hospitals are for sick people and not for pregnant women is to not only ignore people like me, who were in the middle of pre-eclampsic, retina-detached, double-breach twin, premature labor--hey, me and my guys could be dead without a medicalized birth. But also it is to ignore the fact that before giving birth in the hospital was common-place--a whole lotta mothers and babies DIED in childbirth. A whole lot more than do now. Get your ultrasounds and you amnio and whatnot, but then say that the medical field will only harm you in birth is a little hypocritical. (Like who knows if amnios are traumatic for the foetus?)

And I understand that some people just aren't comfortable in the hospital setting and will actually do better during labor if they are comfortable at home. And then a home birth is how it should be for them.  But this is not the case for everyone, even if there are no significant high risks for the birth. But for others like myself (even if I was carrying a low risk singleton) the hospital is where I am most comfortable. And my feeling is, if mom is happy, baby will be, too.

D and I depend on health care workers a great deal. We know that the vast majority of them do this work because they care. When my mother was ill, my family kept commenting about how nice the healthcare workers are like it was something above and beyond and unusual. I thought that was a sad statement by them. This is what it is to work in a caring/helping profession. This acceptance of bodily fluids and grossness and dysfunction is part of that caring. Sure their are crabby nurses (and doctors are a different beast, they are often driven more by ego than caring--but still there has to be at some level, a need to help people) but in general these are a good lot of people to be around and trust your life with.

Its not the fact that people decide to home birth that bothers me. Again, I think that's fine. But even then, you know you will have the hospital as back-up (and hopefully you make it on time). But don't use health services for all your prenatal and as your emergency back-up and then bitch and moan because god forbid anyone should dare have their baby in the hospital. The second your baby is wheezing with a 105 fever, you are going to be right there. So, choose whatever kind of birth you want, but quit putting down those of us who choose the hospital and the hospital (that you depend on) itself.

</rant>

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In other news, Aaron and Naim went to their first tumbling class on Monday. It is really more like kiddie PT to me. Aaron was kind of a little pisser during part of it. He flung himself down on the mat and refused to participate in several things. But he got better at the end. Naim was absolutely amazing. He followed directions, he participated in everything. He smiled and laughed and had fun. He proclaimed "IIIII did it!" after every little accomplishment. I think he might be in love with the instructor.

I think the main element that helped Naim was that it was quiet. I mean, quiet besides the teacher and the six kids. The room was huge. Half of it was empty and the other half had balance beams and mats and gym stuff in it. But it was quiet and focused and structured. He found his element. I about saw confidence growing out his ears right before my eyes.

Then, the instructor even made me fall in love with her because she came up and talked to me afterwords and could already distinguish which one was Naim and which was Aaron and treated them as two separate children. This is my pet peeve with others now. They are old enough and different enough and different LOOKING enough that there is no reason to be lumping them together as "the twins" anymore. I mean, its okay if people get their names confused at first or lump them together when it is appropriate to. (i.e. Are you bringing the twins with you?) But the more I thought about the lady from Sporties for Shorties and how she insisted that "they just weren't interested," the more I thought that she must have meant Naim. There is no way you could have said that Aaron wasn't interested. Naim? okay, yeah maybe. Because he is shy and slow to warm up to things. So, that irritated me a bit because she couldn't even distinguish between the two and separate them out as individual kids. So, anyway, that was a plus for this program. She actually got that I have two separate kids, not one "twin" in two bodies.

And I had told this woman nothing about my kids beforehand (I had not signed up yet, I was there on a free pass coupon) and she was not phased by Aaron's behavior (which definitely could have been described as disinterest, although knowing Aaron, I would describe it as Taking a Stand Against Some Strange Thing Mom Forced Me Into Without My Permission So I Refuse to Admit that I Might Like It.) I was a rebel kid. I understand rebel kids. Aaron is a rebel kid. Anyway, the teacher picked up on that and was confident, as was I, that he would be fine in one or two more classes.

She also got that the kids couldn't do some of the things the other kids would do. Mainly anything involving jumping or springy legs.  She was unphased and understood that this was not an effort or interest issue, this was a developmental issue that needs work. This class is really perfect for that. The kids turned out to be between two and a half and three and a half. So in all other ways, my kids are right in there size wise and maturity wise and what not. Its just the gross motor that they are still behind on. But this is exactly what they need for that. These classes are getting a little pricey. I almost wish I could dump Sporties for Shorties and have them do this one twice a week. But I already paid for SFS. But it gets over at the beginning of March, so maybe I'll quit that then and just do this. We'll see how much they end up liking SFS.

As much as I think the kids will be happy with tumbling class, I forgot that I might not be able to live through the moms. Not that they are not nice or anything...just hard for me to relate to. First, I am shut in a small, darkened room with them as we stare at our precious, preciouses through a two way mirror. Very hard for me to communicate in there. Second, I live in a neighborhood where the main employer is a very famous high tech company that pays its empoyees really well. These women are well-dressed housewives with (mostly) daughters in ballet class here and...well, just the level of dance studio gossip that I was able to decipher? It was way more intense than I can handle. Reminds me of skating moms. I could care less about so-and-so and her daughter and what class she got to advance to. I just don't have any idea what to say to these people. They asked me which kids were mine in the class and I said,  (jokingly) "the blond over there who is waving his hands around so the teacher will help him off the tumbling mat and the one over there who has flung himself down on the mat in protest."

"Oh," they said. I couldn't think of anything to say after that.

****************

Back to the hospital...it looks like D will get out on Friday. He will be coming home with an open wound and a PICC line and IV. So I'm not sure what my responsibilities will be there yet. Probably nothing with the wound as home health will cover that. But probably some kind of stuff with the PICC. I'm hoping they put him on one of those all day infusion pumps so I would just have to go over once a day and change the vanco and flush the line. I'm hoping not for twice a day. And I'm hoping for no wound vac. That the wound will just heal on its own no problem. I loathe the wound vac.

D is a bit grumpy as his spasms are not under very good control. He says it isn't terrible, but he is getting anxious to get out of the hospital so he can control his own medicine. He thinks he can get better control on his own than the way they are doing it. He is going to need to rest and lay down a lot, so I'm losing my main kid break device. I told him to do whatever he needs to do to get better and manage this, just don't be a damned martyr about it. He tends to agree to things I ask and then blame me when he has overdone it. I keep telling him, I'm not the boss of you... you manage yourself, you set the boundaries, you let me know what you can and cannot do, BECAUSE I AM NOT OMNISCIENT. But in fairness, that means that I will be extremely limiting my asking for stuff or to go do stuff or whatever. Hopefully the next several weeks will go fast.

For some reason, we always take pictures at the hospital. I think it is because we run out of things to do and someone always has a camera. (Aaron is anti-camera right now, so there are very few pics of him.) We went up Sunday (pre-haircuts) and then today (post haircuts.) The biggest hit? The ninth story window and the itty bitty cars below. That, and pushing buttons on the 8 elevators we ride to get there.

D and Naim lounging in the hospital bed with the laptop, of course. Aaron standing on a chair looking on.

Aaron enjoying the view.

Naim hanging in the wheelchair.

Naim practicing his breathing with one of those lung exerciser things that I can't think of the name of.

Everyone reading Dora books on the bed.

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Bonus from Aaron:

I've been working with the kids on memorizing their whole name and address and stuff. Here is what Aaron said today:

Me: What is your name?

A: Aaron

Me: What is your whole name?

A: Aaron _________.

Me: What city and state do you live in?

A: [City, State].

Me: Do you remember what street you live on?

A: Mama? I don't want to be from [City, State].

Me: You don't? Then where are you from?

A: I be from Mars. Aaron ______ lives on [Our street, our city], MARS!

(I blame this on D. They are currently space shuttle and mars rover crazy. And they may not jump around like the other kids, but we spent 25 minutes in the apple store waiting for my dad at the genius bar and my kids were little pros on all the computers at the little kid table. Hey? Which skill will get them further in life, Grampa F.?)

Christmas 2007 in Chapters

Chapter 1: Zoo Lights

Zoo lights kinda sucked most of the time and it was mostly my fault for not thinking it through well enough. The kids (and by kids I mean Aaron) broke my white cane, so I've been using another telescoping sorta sucky one. On the train, I threw it in my bag. After a half-hour train ride, I got off and somehow no longer had it.

Okay. Well, I'm meeting another mom so that makes it easier, and there are supposed to be a lot of lights, right? So maybe I will be able to see better than I usually can in the dark. But I waited and waited and waited at the designated spot, and she didn't show. I waited for about 40 minutes and walked around a bit to see if I missed her, but the kids were getting antsy and I had a decision to make. Should I go it alone or get back on the train and go back home? I decided to go over to where the entrance of the zoo was and see how I did. I didn't do well. I couldn't even tell where the line was or where to go to get in. It was one of those things that was going to be dangerous and miserable to get through, so I turned to go back home.

Right when I was turning back to head to the train, she appeared. It seemed that I had said to meet at the elevators closest to the zoo and she had only thought that there was one set of elevators coming up from the train station and was waiting at the other one. I did walk up to the other one once, but we must have missed each other. (BTW, in case the person in question ever reads this, I hope you know that I'm totally not mad at you about this. I was just frustrated by the whole situation I sort of found myself in. Mistakes/misunderstandings happen and its all good. Not like I haven't made a bajillion mistakes based on a misunderstanding.)

However, at that point my kids had sat through a 1/2 hour train ride and another over a half an hour wait. Then about a 15 minute wait in line. Then, we decided to head for the train ride. You have to buy tickets at the front, which is dumb, because then if you change your mind you've already paid. So, I wouldn't have waited in this train line if I were on my own. (Not that I said anything, so again, no blame except on myself here). Anyway, since I couldn't see, I had NO FREAKING IDEA how ungodly awful long this line was. I kept thinking we were at the end of it and just steps away from the train and then we would turn onto a whole 'nother subsection of line. It just went on and on. So, in addition to the kids' already hour and a half long wait to do something fun, We must have waited for the train for at least another hour. My kids were miserable at this point and it was just the point of no return for them. I was letting them in and out of the stroller and then they would want to be carried and my arms were aching and then Naim would throw a shit fit every time the line went away from the train and it was just a pain and not fun.

Naim getting impatient in the train line. He sucks his finger while holding on to the other arm when he's upset. He's always done this. It's kinda weird.

Then, after the train ride, I got lost. We had parked our strollers in this designated space and when we got off, she went that way and I must have missed the turn and just followed the crowd out. So, with two kids in tow, I had to find my way back IN the train area. This is where I knew I had seriously fucked up and the situation was out of my control. I had NO CLUE where I was or where I needed to be. All I could see was a mess of disorienting lights. I couldn't even see people to ask for help. I asked a few passersby if they knew how I could get back to the stroller area and they didn't know short of going through the entire train line again. Thankfully, the kids were being good and dutifully holding on to each of my hands, but I kept thinking, "Kids? As you trustingly follow your mother, you have no idea how much she is fucking up on the job right now." I was actually using them as my 'guide dogs' to watch out for steps and stuff.

I knew I needed to find someone who worked there who could get me through, but it was too dark to see who worked there. So, I asked 'The Next Person Who Walked By' to help me find someone who worked there. She had trouble as well, but finally we found someone who was holding those lights that airport people use to direct the plane with, you know? And he basically cut me through the entire train line and finally found my friend and the strollers.

An aside: I can't believe sometimes how nice some people are compared to how snotty others are. The person who helped me find the employee, she had her own kids in tow and was totally wonderful about stopping everything to run around and figure this out with me, a total stranger. Then, when I walked with my two little kids through the line with an employee, people were snotting at me not to cut in line. Even when I told them I was just passing through the line, not getting in line, someone said, "Why does she get special treatment?".

After that, things got a bit better. We walked around the zoo and it was kind of a neat atmosphere with all the lights. We spent some time watching a brass band that was playing Christmas Carols. Naim really liked that. I was fascinated watching my friend and her daughter together. Her daughter is just a month or two older than mine, and she would so dutifully follow right behind her mother while her mother walked anywhere from two to six or eight feet in front of her. She just followed along like a little puppy dog. I think Naim could do that, but still I would be afraid in a crowd like that that people would get in between us and we'd get separated and I would never be able to find him. I need contact. And Aaron? Aaron would be gone forever if I let him go like that. He is a wanderer. If he gets more than four to six feet away from me in the dark like that with such loud noises, I'm done for.

Better times for Naim. Listening to music.

So, I had the double umbrella stroller, and I always kept one in the stroller while the other had to "help me push." And even this was tough. The stroller is wide and keeps running over people's feet and can't fit anywhere narrow. The whole night was an effort of intense concentration and alertness on my part. Exhausting. I was a bore, I had to work so hard on just keeping our shit together. This was a new friend and she was a rookie at being with me. I'm sure she'll never want to go anywhere with us again.

And the whole night I kept saying to myself, "I should listen to Emmie. She's SO right about the harnesses. This would be so much easier with harnesses. I should listen to Emmie." Emmie has used those cute little animal backpack harnesses with her twin boys. And has made really insightful comments about how kid harnesses have such a stigma and are looked down upon, yet everyone shoves their kids in a stroller for the same purpose, to keep easy control of their kids. And yet, aren't strollers (at toddler age, I'm not talking infants here) so much more confining than harnesses? At least with harnesses they could walk around some and explore and get some exercise. The other thing is, they don't have to use them. You can have the kids wearing the backpacks and walking with you, and just take out the 'leash' part of the harness if needed. Whereas if you choose a stroller, you're pretty much stuck with it and at least one hand occupied all the time. In the end, to not do something that makes perfectly good sense and will work for you and keep your kids safer while still allowing them some freedom just because you are worried about what other people will think is just stupid. (As if, with all the other reasons we'll get stared at, harness stares will be such a big deal.)

And lo and behold, a Christmas Miracle! I get home and waiting for me is an email from Emmie offering to send me their harnesses that they aren't using anymore. Yea! Emmie!

Naim on a hippo statue while Aaron stands by. I didn't get really any good pictures at zoo lights. Too busy getting my ass lost.

Chapter 2: The Weekend

For the past several weeks/months, I have had significant trouble sleeping, even though I am exhausted all. the. time. I actually can fall asleep really easily, but then I wake up anywhere from 45 minutes to 2 hours later and then I am up, anxiety ridden, till 5 am or even just never go back to bed. Then I'm so tired the next day that I can't get anything except the essentials done. I've tried limiting my caffeine, not watching TV before bed, thought it might be my 30 year old mattress I am using now and am looking in to replacing it. Then, on days when I go over to D's to work, I've been doing the bare necessities over there and then collapsing on the couch in a deep sleep while he watches the kids.

Finally, on a terrible Saturday night with no sleep at 7 in the morning on one of those days when I probably have had 5 or 6 hours of sleep in the last 72 hours, it occurred to me. This all started when the kids got to big boy beds and Aaron started destroying everything. (A condition which still comes and goes, it improved some before we had another setback). They haven't been really taking naps, either. The problem is that I don't feel like I am EVER off duty. Naim doesn't like me to go to sleep and turn off all the lights until he is asleep at night, or he starts throwing things around. Then Aaron starts throwing things around in the morning if he gets up before me. They never sleep for naps anymore. The place is pretty childproof but then I always fear those little things like what if they knock over a bookcase and kill themselves. They have already destroyed a lamp in their room. They knocked off the light bulb and it shattered to pieces. What if they electrocute themselves? What if they just simply pull all of the toilet paper out and TP my house with it? Its not the end of the world, no. But it kind of is when there are messes to clean up all the time. I spend my life cleaning these messes instead of being able to do anything fun with them. One more big mess can send me over the edge.

It is a cyclical problem where I know that their schedule needs adjusting, we need some new routines, they need some more outings and stimulation. Aaron especially needs more stimulation right now than it seems I can give him. I've been looking into preschools but many are too expensive or have a "3 by September" rule so I have to wait until next fall. I need a break. I can't get one. I don't sleep and am tired all the time, which makes me less able to find stimulating things for them to do and then they get bored and start destroying things again. And I'm never off duty. When I wake up at night, I usually think I awoke because something has happened or they need me. Or did I remember to put the locks on the closet doors? I better check. Or I need to go check and see if they both ended up asleep in their beds instead of (really!) Aaron falling asleep on top of the bookcase. I'm never done, I can never relax. Naim is a dream child mostly. If it was just him, or even two of him, I think I'd be okay. But Aaron, as it turns out, is a--shall we say--"spirited child." He is a challenge and I am not meeting his needs lately.

So over the weekend, my body just collapsed into flu and exhaustion and depression. I have not had a break from the kids (for more than 3 or 4 hours, which is rare in itself) for over three years. They have not ever had even one day apart from me or I from them. Its not right. I'm not sure what to do about it. You can say "get a babysitter" but it isn't so easy. All my affordable babysitting attempts have fallen through for various reasons. Right now, I am looking at possibly hiring a young man from my church who works in the nursery with the boys and they like him. The only issue is that he has (high functioning) autism. I don't think I could leave the house with him there. He still may be a great help if I can get some other work done or rest. Or if he can perhaps help with some of the housework kind of stuff (which I'm not sure about yet.) He also doesn't drive, so we'd have to work out transportation. I'm very interested in giving him a go, but I'm not sure how well it will work, or if it will work at all. But he's a nice kid and I'm thinking I can hire him for minimum, so we'll see.

But what this has to do with the weekend is that three times, D has come over and spent the day with the kids so I could rest. It was the only way I was not going to lose my ever-loving mind and even attempt to have some kind of Christmas for the kids. He has been a bit sick with a post-operative infection from his pump surgery. And his incision is a bit open now so the infection can drain out and he has to be careful. So it was with much guilt that I had him come over, but if he hadn't...I swear I was headed for hospitalization or something. I was getting so sick and tired that I couldn't think straight and nothing made sense that came out of my mouth. Just the very thought of my dad coming in January and bringing that dog that I will have to manage as well and clean up after was sending me right over the edge into middle of the night terrors.

Things are better, I have been catching up on sleep. But the problems remain. At least now I have a clearer head and can start to figure stuff out. I need to look at schedule. I need to look for regular outings that occur pretty frequently and will stimulate and wear Aaron out. I need to look at some more baby proofing (at this point, it is kid proofing and involves heavy duty locks, rather than those pansy-ass baby proofing products that he laughs in the face of) so that I can sleep and feel like he is at least safe somewhere. I need to pursue a regular babysitter, if not this kid then something else.

Sometimes it takes you going nuts to realize that there is a serious problem that needs serious action to be dealt with. So that was what this weekend was all about. I'll get there, but it is going to take some serious strategy.

Chapter 3: Christmas Eve

The only thing on the agenda for Christmas Eve was the church service, which I always found relaxing in previous years. The kids have done well the last few years, and I tried to set up the day so this year they would do well, too. I tried to make sure they were well rested but also a bit worn out, well fed but not needing to go to the bathroom for an hour, etc.

But! It was not to be. They seemed fine all day but when we got there, they wouldn't shut up so we went back to the 'cry room.' Our cry room actually is a little play room with windows and a speaker with the service piped in. Naim was fine after a while and I sent him out to sit with his dad. Aaron, on the other hand, won the contest for the Most Obnoxious Kid in the Room.

There were 3 or 4 other kids who ended up back there. Every time a kid would come in, Aaron would say,"I don't like him! I don't want to play with him! Go Away!"

Big fat roll eyes slam head into brick wall emoticon here.

Now, here is where again, I will never judge another mom again and I'm ashamed that I used to do this. One experience with a kid does not a bad kid make. Aaron is usually a pretty social kid who likes to play with other kids and can be very polite about sharing and trading and taking turns. But on this night, he was a brat. And he got a time out. And we struggled through the service and had a struggle to clean up all of our toys afterwords. We were going to go downstairs for their little social thing and they had the accessible door locked again (happens less and less these days, but still occasionally happens.) At this point, I was worn out and the thought of dragging my kids  in the cold around the building and through two sets of staircases to go around and unlock the door for D was more than I could take, so I just wanted to go home. Which made Aaron scream bloody murder, because he wanted to go downstairs and socialize now, of course. Now he wanted to play with the other kids. So that was relaxing Christmas Eve at the church.

I put the kids to bed so D and I could have our steak dinner in peace, and that was nice. And then I sent him home so I could finish up all the present wrapping and stuff I still hadn't gotten done.

Chapter 4: Christmas

Despite all the crabbiness and all the--well--Aaron, Christmas actually turned out pretty good. I kept the kids upstairs and fed them breakfast up there until D and his dad got here at around ten. I had the train set sitting out in the living room and I carried Aaron to the bathroom and he caught a peak of it. But it was funny. He was all, "Gasp! A surprise! (sign for surprise) I saw a surprise! (sign)" I told him to whisper so Naim wouldn't hear about the surprise, so then he started signing everything while whispering. "Gasp! A train surprise? A present? For ME?"

The Xmas morning beeline. I don't know what that face I'm making is all about.

When I took them downstairs, they made a beeline for the train set. They were pretty excited and crashed the track and bridges almost immediately, which I knew was going to happen. That track assembly is going to take a bit of practice for them, but they'll get it. Luckily, we had other presents at the ready to distract them from track frustrations. We spent the morning happily opening presents. It went quicker this year than last year. Because this year they wanted "more presents!" while last year they would play with something a while until we nudged them along to open the next one. They are starting to get this whole present thing. Yea! Consumerism!

Aaron and Naim with the train set before the hurricane hit it and left the Island of Sodor in ruins; it's minority inhabinants to be left for dead by our classist regime.

Oh! Before I forget. On cue during the present unwrapping, as if in a oversentimentalized Hallmark Channel Christmas Special, another Christmas Miracle! It started to snow! Supposedly, it hasn't snowed here on Christmas in over 56 years! (Didn't stay on the ground, though. but was pretty to watch.)

Then we went to the Christmas Dinner thing at my church. And this time the door was unlocked. It was really nice. There were more people there than I thought would be, and they had all the tables set up with candles and china and there was wine and lots and lots of food. They set up a little kid area with a kid table and chairs and some toys and markers and paper. The kids got a gift bag with candy and a small toy vehicle in it. There was another boy about their age and this time Aaron played nicely with him almost the whole time. Aaron was pretty good except that he went to the dessert table and took just one bite out of four different pieces of fudge and then put them back. Luckily, people just laughed about it. Naim stuck with his dad mostly. Usually during potluck kind of things all I do is work because I have to get food, drinks, silverware,etc. for four people by myself while watching the rugrats at the same time. By the time I'm started eating, everyone else is done. There was some of that here, too, of course, but people actually ran and fetched things for me, like a drink for Naim or a fork or dessert for the kids. When you NEVER get waited on, I mean like EVER. And you are always the one who has to get up during a meal and fetch the juice, the butter, the seconds, the whatever, then you have to clean up afterwords as well--it is so nice when someone does something simple like just gets the kids some juice that it practically makes me want to cry. I almost don't know what to do with myself. Its silly.

When I go to social functions with kids now, time warps into something I call "Toddler Time." Even if I've had a nice time and the kids were relatively well-behaved, I think I have spent hours and hours somewhere and when I leave and look at the clock, its only been like two hours and I am shocked. This is what happened here. We were the first to leave, and I  had the "get the kids to bed" excuse to use. But I thought we had been there at least 3 or 4 hours. Turns out it was only two. Well, that was enough. I'd go again next year. I figure each year these things are going to get easier and easier.

Appendix: The Loot

For both kids:

• Train set (mom)
• Set of a bunch of space shuttles and rockets (dad)
• (btw, remember the plastic hunk of kitchen junk? After dragging all the peices out twice to put it together and failing. I gave up. It is pissing me off and it is going to Freecycle.)

Naim:

• small stuffed kitty cat that meows and moves and blinks (grampa b.)
• Knit hat (grampa B.)
• matchbox airplane
• creepy feeling rubber dragon and dinosaur
• Melissa and Doug farm jigsaw puzzle
• Animal planet safari animal playset
• Max and Ruby book (Julie)
• School house puzzle (Julie)
• Fisher Price turtle game
• 2 finger puppets
• Little school bus (from church)
• Candy
• Train Christmas Ornament
• Gift certificates (the SILs)

Naim discovering the wonders of "More Presents!"

Aaron:

• little stuffed dog that barks, etc. (grampa b.)
• knit hat (grampa b.)
• matchbox airplane
• Creepy dinosaur and dragon
• Little people helicopter
• Melissa and Doug train puzzle
• Roger the Snake book (Julie)
• Barney Puzzle (Julie)
• Fisher Price Oreo game
• 2 finger puppets
• little ambulance car (from church)
• candy
• Volkswagen bug Christmas ornament
• gift certificates (the SILs)

D helping Aaron unwrap. This is Scrooge of me, but I f*ing hate that Santa hat D wears every year. Which is probably why he wears it.

D:

• sweater (parents)
• wheelchair reflector light (parents)
• security video camera (his B/SIL) We were kind of dumbfounded by this one. We both said, Oooh! a good gift! We have been thinking for a long time about how to give D access to the kids room upstairs, because they are starting to want him to go up there to show him things. We thought about hooking up video somehow. So this is (I think) what that is in mind for. Although I think he is going to exchange it for one that can work on his computer instead of the TV, it is still a thoughtful gift.
• RAM (me) Isn't this romantic? Isn't it special? Over the weekend I finally confessed to him that I suck. I didn't get him anything. I said to pick out something he wants and I will get it for him...and he picked RAM for his computer. I said email me the exact thing you want and where to get it and I will order it, so that's what I did.
• His favorite oatmeal choc chip cookies (me and the kids.)

Me:

• Kitchen timer (D) This is a joke. I've somehow managed to break, like, 4 of them. I use them for turn taking for the kids or getting them to pick up their mess in a certain amount of time or occasionally for time outs.
• Chocolate (D)
• iPod Shuffle (D) This is a good little iPod for me. I needed one that works without a screen which I can't see.

*If you are wondering about gifts from my family, I have asked them to contribute to my "trip back to the Midwest" fund. My fake grandmother is 85 years old, and I am determined to try to make it back with the kids this spring/summer. It is expensive to fly for the three of us!

Progress, and a rantastical late night tangent of some sort.

Oh, how I love you people who live in my computer. Thanks for all of your suggestions regarding Aaron the Hurricane, and for making me laugh about it all! I think what I really needed was to take a step back and let someone else think about it for a while. There have been no major disasters the last few days. (Well, except for the destruction of a cute little growth chart I had just hung up, and hadn't even written any of the heights on yet. But, it was only a three buck thing, so...whatever.)

I have taken a bit of all of your advice. First, I went baby proofing crazy. I got a gate that is quite large and goes across our kitchen entry way. I can't leave it there because otherwise D could not get past my garage door, but it helps for when I am sleeping. Next, I got these things that make it hard to open our lever door knobs. We put lever door knobs on the house so that D would have an easier time opening the doors, and now of course, like all the things we did to make it easier for D, also makes it easier for toddlers so its biting me in the ass. We have a pantry door that has been a huge problem area. Naim has already figured out the baby proofing thing on that door knob, but he is a little more crafty mechanically speaking than Aaron, so hopefully he won't spill the secret. In any case, it makes it harder and takes longer to open the door, so it may buy me 30 extra seconds when peeing.

Also, the sticky tape suggestion is a good one. I haven't tried it yet, but Aaron always likes to have something in his hands. I did recently give him a small foam cow that is made out of the squishy stuff that those foam stress balls are made out of. He liked that a lot, that is until he decapitated it and amputated its legs (leaving little bits of foam cow gut every where.) Stuff like that horrifies me. I think killing the toy animals will lead to killing the cat and then becoming a wife beater and then graduating to a serial killer. But D just laughs and says that when he was little he wanted to take everything apart and see the inside and figure out how it worked and what it was made out of. So, lets hope it is just his scientific mind at work on his varied experiments.

I have tried giving him things to destroy, but it is something that really has to be supervised and isolated. Leaving him with a "destruction corner" does not bode well. He really doesn't understand the difference between what is okay to destroy and what isn't. It is all so confusing, isn't it? I tell him not to rip the books, but I really don't care if he rips old catalogs and we even rip paper on purpose for certain art projects. Consistent rules are harder than you think when thinking in two year old terms.

I think the advice that really resonated with me and was what I needed to hear was Linda's, who told me that her twin girls either clean up the mess or sit. Well she said it better than that. But I think I have been really lax about that and I am finally getting on the stick, no exceptions. One problem is that Aaron would sit while Naim gladly cleaned everything up, but then I actually started assigning Aaron specific jobs or sections of the room that I don't let Naim touch. So that, and organizing the day a bit better so there is always something exciting around the next turn, if the mess is cleaned up, has helped a lot. My GOD it takes a ton of energy to get that kid going sometimes, though.

I think Alfie Kohn really screwed me up some this year. You may remember that I read his book, Unconditional Parenting, early in the year. (Here is what I blathered about it, then.) It has been reinforced by a family in my church covenant group, who are very pro-alfie. That's fine for them, and I still think he has a lot of good points, but when it comes right down to it, I cannot get on that bandwagon wholeheartedly. At least not as an Alfie "purist." And I think I've felt a bit guilty about that. To me, it is a matter of respect. If I am going to, as Kohn suggests, respect my kids and treat them as I would adults, then I expect the respect in return. Well, not literally. I do understand that 2 year-olds do not have the maturity to show respect the same way as adults. If my little kid hits me, or destroys property or whatever, sure...try to figure out why. See what you can do to support him and understand him. Don't withhold your love or acceptance. But the bottom line is, He is not going to hit me or anyone else. And his is going to know that in no uncertain terms and there will be consequences, just like there would be if he was an adult. (My kids in general don't hit, push or bite, but we did have a bit of a play-kicking problem briefly.) Point being, I still get to have boundaries. I still get to draw the line. I am not these kids' sacrificial servant to be tread upon just because I am the "mother" (cue angel halo music) and I am putting their needs before my own. I have seen people who have kids that are disrespectful to them by hitting, destroying things, whatever, and they go up and give them a hug and try to understand unconditionally why the kid is acting this way. Well, sometimes there is a legitimate underlying reason that needs to be examined. But at two, many times the reason is BECAUSE THEY CAN. You all are right. He destroys things because it is fun. Because he wants to see what will happen. Because it is the bees knees to be able to make your room rain goldfish crackers or picture book confetti. So, as I would not put up with this type of thing with adults (as Kohn says I am supposed to be respecting my kids in like ways) WHY would I accept this from my kid? So, I am not going to drop kick him out of the second story window, and I am not going to stop loving him, but I also am not going to put up with this crap anymore.

So, along with some schedule adjusting and baby proofing, its hard-ass mom who makes her kid help clean every horrid mess before doing anything else is the plan.

All this brings me to a related topic that I have been thinking on for a while. Despite our current challenges, I don't think of Aaron as the "bad twin." I bring this up because it doesn't seem like my father and sister can stop comparing my twins. It is so easy to fall into that pattern with twins especially. I understand Aaron, because in a lot of ways, he is like me. He is extremely independent and knows what he wants. He is very diligent and focused on something he is interested in and hard to pull away. He knows what he wants and he is not happy about being told otherwise. I get Aaron because in many ways, I was him. And I don't want the family dynamic that I had to put up with to happen to them.

Naim is dependable. Naim helps me get through my day sometimes. I can have him do little things for me. Run errands and fetch things for me. When I need to pay the clerk at the store, I know Naim will stay with me, while I have to keep my eye on Aaron so he doesn't run off. Naim is usually fun, while Aaron is moody. Naim is mostly smooth sailing, while Aaron is guaranteed to bump heads with me many times a day. It would be very easy to call Naim "the good twin" and my "favorite." But I recognize that just because Naim is (right now at least) easy to parent, doesn't really mean all that much about who he or Aaron really are. Naim's behavior just happens to be more compatible with my lifestyle right now. This is more of a coincidence that a great virtuous character that Naim has vs. a moral breakdown of Aaron.

I'm going off on this because I don't want them labeled like I was. I was the bad kid. My sister was the good kid. Now, I did get into some minor trouble growing up. I had a truancy problem. My grades were mediocre. I could be slow and distractable when my parents wanted something done. My sister was probably very easy to parent. She studied hard and got good grades. She was never in a lick of trouble. She was the model of efficiency around the house. I can see how her personality was probably more compatible with my mother's. The traits she had lined up with the ones my mother valued. The good traits I had were and still are not valued. And the problems I was having were supposedly just because I was lazy, irresponsible, the bad kid, wrong. I could have used a little Alfie Kohn. I could have used someone to really try to help me examine the underlying causes of my mediocre grades and truancy. (I now see a lot of it having to do with my disability issues that were almost virtually ignored if not denied by my parents. I mean, why show up for math class if no one, for 12 years, cares whether or not you learn or could even see and hear to learn. Easier to call you stupid and lazy.)

Even now, my main title is "the person who can't get up in the morning." Being an early riser is next to godliness in my family. It is the answer to all problems. It is the character trait that shows how hard working and ambitious you are. My circadian rhythms were always off. I was never, and will never be, an early riser. I can do it if I have to, but my natural biorhythms won't get there naturally. It is only by force. In general, I have about 5 times more energy at night than in the first 4 to 5 hours in the morning. And it really doesn't matter when I fall asleep or wake up. Anyway, and I'm just going off on a little peeve right now, I have been lectured this week (and my whole life) about how if I would ONLY get up earlier all my problems would be solved. Aaron wouldn't destroy things, I would be able to exercise more, the angels would sing, and pennies of gold would fall from the sky each morning, if I could only get up earlier.

My kids go to bed at 9:00. What other 2 year olds do that? And the reasons are many. One is due to my work schedule with D and his visitation schedule with us. If the kids are up that late, they get maximum opportunity to be with dad. And the other is because generally they will then sleep till 8 or 9 o'clock. So that means I get maximum use of their in bed hours when my energy is high, and then can get maximum amounts of sleep before they get up. The hours between 9-midnight are the only ONLY hours I have to myself. And that is when I can get things done. Writing, working, extra housework and laundry, whatever. When my dad comes to visit, things sometimes get a bit screwy because he gets up at 6 or 7 and is not at all respectful of the rest of us who are sleeping. I don't hear it because I'm deaf, but the kids do. He turns on the TV loud. He turns on his computer, he is loud in the kitchen and manages to make very burnt smelling toast that fills the house every single morning. He opens the garage door and slams the doors. The kids wake up early, and if they don't come get me, they end up just wandering around the house. (Its not like he is going to watch them or play with them or feed them.) So then I have to get up earlier, and the kids get grumpy earlier and fall asleep during dinner. I don't like it, it makes for rushed and grumpy mornings for us all. When he isn't here, Naim usually comes into my room and gets in bed with me about 8:30. Aaron gets up and comes in but moves out fast and plays around. Yes, this is one of the many destructive periods that I've baby proofed and rearranged for. But after about 15 minutes, Naim and I are ready to get up and then we quietly go downstairs and have breakfast and get dressed and start our day.

It works for us. It doesn't have to work for anyone else. It doesn't really affect anyone else. I used to work flex time from 10-6 and others came in from 7 to 3. Guess what? It worked for me. It didn't really affect anyone else. So after 37 years, you'd think they would be mature enough and a bit less self absorbed enough to understand that it is NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS. I have heard about this my entire life, and most annoyingly since I've had kids. It was always, what are you going to do when the babies wake up early and need to be fed? And what are you going to do when the kids get out of cribs and wake up early? And oh my god, if you didn't sleep so late your life would be so wonderful and all of your problems would be solved. You'd think I had a major heroin habit the way they talk about it.

Anyway, this is just one of many things I have been labeled as over the years. And why I try so hard to reject whatever labeling my family or others do with Naim and Aaron. It can be such a self-fulfilling prophecy. It can keep you from figuring out how to really problem solve a challenge you have in life because you just assume that it is because you are stupid, lazy, bad, wrong, irresponsible, a night owl, worthless, or whatever else they tell you that you can't control, rather that being supported in having the ability to find causes and solutions for problems. How nice it would have been for someone, somewhere, to care enough and sit down with me and have enough faith in me to help me figure out what exactly was going on with me at school and what could be done about it instead of writing me off as stupid and lazy.

I was telling my sister about the 30 year old rule I have. Unless you were significantly abused, you can no longer blame your family for your current flaws after the age of 30. And I really don't. I am me and I have to deal with my own stuff and my parents did the best they knew how to at the time. So this isn't about that. This is about learning from your mistakes. They are off the hook in regards to me. It is water under the bridge and all is forgiven. However, I'll be damned if I'm going to let them do the exact same shit to my kids.

Part of the problem is that they can't change their behavior unless they admit there is something that needs changing. Both D and I have discussed this. Perhaps it is generational. Our parents have done some extremely hurtful things to us. And perhaps they didn't mean to, but they did. And we are supposed to make ammends and apologize profusely for whatever transgressions we have done, but they never, ever will. And what would be so nice, what would make it all so much better, is if they could just admit that, hey, I did the best I could--but what I did there obviously didn't work out the way I wanted it too, and I was wrong and I'm sorry. I will try not to do something like that again. And both of us would be like, OK, wonderful. Thanks so much for caring enough about us above and beyond having to preserve your ego. But it will never happen. D's father, to his credit, is a very good listener and even though I disagree with a lot of his opinions, he does make an effort to see our side of things and will apologize to us (and accept our apologies) when we have had disagreements in the past. But my family and D's mother? We have to accept that it ain't gonna ever happen and just move on.

But when you have kids, where do you draw the line? Where do you say that the behavior your family members are exhibiting are not acceptable to you as a parent? Its not like cut and dry physical abuse. It is just like a large degree of lack of respect. MIL has already taken care of that for us by just ignoring us altogether. (Even though she and D still talk occasionally, he says he just nods while she talks about herself and he doesn't really get in to his life or his family with her.) But my dad is a harder problem. He does some things that are easy for me to ignore because I am used to it and just space it off, but that D finds absolutely disrespectful and abhorant. D is afraid that when the kids get older and understand more and are affected by it more, it is going to cause major problems. He says I am so much more relaxed and happy and a much more fun and better mom during the months when my dad isn't here. And I feel it too, sometimes. How much of this is going to rub off on the kids?

My dad is good with the kids in some ways. I go back and forth between thinking it is great to have an intergenerational household to thinking I'm screwing up their lives with this living arrangement.

Aaron will probably get past this destructive phase in a week or a month or a year. Will my family still be talking about how he wrecks everything when he is 37? Will he, with all of his wonderful qualities, be made to feel like the black sheep? He will probably always be strong-willed, but instead of using that to his advantage, will he always be made to feel like a failure for it? And Naim, who is easy to parent but obsesses over the vacuum cleaner and order and routine (highly valued in my family, but I worry about it making life hard for him to be that inflexible, so I try to curb it while they root it on)--will he become so pressured by the expectation of perfection that he will not take any risks and miss out on all of the vast colorfulness of life? I know I can't shield them from everything and everyone who doesn't respect their humanity in the same way I think they deserve, but how far do I need to go to save them from this which made much of my childhood miserable and took years to move on from? Or am I just worrying over nothing, and my family will not have near the influence over them as the positive roles of D and I and our other friends and their friends that they will meet along the way? Aaron's destructiveness is so easy. Parenting is hard.

I am going to have to change the category on this post because it meandered out of control into the field of cheap therapy and sanity questioning. Sorry, folks. I wrote this in about 40 minutes and that's too fast even for me. I became incoherent somewhere along the 85th paragraph.

First Walk in Snow/Dressing Twins

Where I live, it snows about one or two days a year, if even at all. Coming from the Midwest, I grew up with harsh winters. I remember sliding to the school bus and riding in it for an hour to get 2 miles as we slowly inched down the street. To get a snow day in Nebraska, the snow would have to have been piled so high that the doors to the school were blocked by at least 20 feet of it. And then we had to walk uphill both ways to dig ourselves through it anyway, without mittens, and having had no porridge to eat because the cupboards were bare.

We laugh at them here because when there is a bit of snow, the whole city shuts down. I understand it, because people do not own snow shovels or ice scrapers or even snow boots. The city does not have a team of snowplows that scrape and salt, they have like maybe one. But it is still funny even though I had been here for almost ten years now.

Where I used to work, I walked 16 blocks each way to a bus stop every day. One day, the first year I lived here, there was just a spattering of snow on the ground, and everyone started leaving. I wasn't even aware that people were leaving for a few hours because I hadn't even thought of it. Then, the last few people came to me and asked me if I would mind staying and locking up because they needed to get their cars home and out of the snow and I didn't drive. (Yeah, I only have to WALK 16 BLOCKS in it!!!) But whatever, I said it was fine. I should have checked before I left, but I honestly didn't think about the whole city shutting down for this. There wasn't even more than 2 or 3 inches of accumulation and there were some ice patches, but not that bad. I walked my 16 blocks and waited, and waited, and waited. Then I realized that the bus wasn't coming. The streets were deserted. I ducked into a liquor store and called a cab. No deal. They weren't coming to get me. I ended up walking another 2 1/2 miles home. And although it wasn't all that enjoyable, it wasn't like I was dying and freezing, either. I have found from going back and forth from the west coast to the midwest that people develop a tolerance for weather based on their climate. I have noticed that I have lost some of my tolerance for the cold that I had when I first moved here. When I go back to Kansas now, the minute I step out of the plane in the winter, even when I'm in that tunnel-y thing, I'm all "Jesus and all that is Holy in the Universe! How the hell do people live like this? Fuck! This is inhumane to expect me to deplane to these conditions! Why not just flush the toilet while I'm in the shower repeatedly instead? ..." and a continuous trail of profanities that last till I get home. I've become such a weather wimp. And I'm still not as bad as most of the people here.

One controversial thing that I do is that I expose my kids to the elements. (I mean controversial in that "Let's dump on moms" way that is all the rage now, not in the "ethical dilemma of our times" way.) No, I don't throw them out into the cold naked or anything. I do nothing that would endanger their lives and health. I try to keep them as comfortable as possible with hats, coats, rain gear, and sometimes lap blankets for the strollers. But we go out. In the cold and rain. And we walk and wait for buses and trains. No matter what. Because that is our life. There are times when I know that they are uncomfortable because I am as well. And if it gets too bad, I try to hurry, make a run for it, or duck inside a building for a bit. But these kids are the children of a pedestrian public transit user, and a quadriplegic that takes a hell of a long time to get into the car. They need to build up a tolerance for weather. They need to build up the skills to plan for weather, walk in it and plan the best transportation options, know the minimum that they need to carry to not be caught in it, what to do if it does actually become dangerous when they are out in it, things like that. Being a pedestrian and taking public transit requires a different set of skills than just passively jumping in the car with mom and dad. I imagine that they will be drivers when they get older, but for the next 16 years, they will be pedestrians. And that means they deal with weather. And as much as some would like to think that a good mom doesn't expose her kid to even a second of cold discomfort, in my mind, I need to help them learn to deal with it. And besides, this is the pacific northwest. It rarely ever gets below freezing here, so chances are slim that I will kill them via exposure.

It seems weird to me that my kids are going to grow up here, in this land without seasons. We have a rainy season and a dry season. That's it. Of course, we have access to snow year round in the mountains. And we have the ocean and lots of green all year round, which I never had. But my kids probably won't own a sled, or a snow suit, or snow boots, or even a winter coat. Most people here purchase a really good raincoat with gor-tex that is a bit big, and then just layer fleece sweatshirts or vests under it on colder days.

If it ever snowed the kids' first winter, I don't remember. I wouldn't have taken them out in it anyway. Last Winter, It snowed one day. My dad and I wrapped the kids up in blankets and took them out in it for a few minutes. They couldn't walk yet so there was no putting them down. And they didn't have warm enough clothes to stay out long anyway. It was a real pretty snowfall, and I remember the kids reaching out their hands to catch snowflakes, and Aaron even stuck out his tongue. I doubt they remember this at all. They know what snow is, as a vocabulary word at least, because of TV and books. But they don't know it like they know rain. They GET rain.  But today, I think it all came together for them in their first walk in the snow. They were mesmerized. They were a bit afraid to touch it at first. But they liked to walk around in it and see their footprints. They liked it when we would take a snowball and throw it up in the air and they liked to shake it off the plants. (Another weird Oregon thing is that some plants are still green with leaves on them and the grass is still green. It's weird to see nice, healthy green grass under the snow.)

So, today the whole city shut down. My dad went all the way to the gym to find it closed. No mail, even. And we spent some time with the kids and their first walk in the snow. It might be there for a day or two, then our traditional Winter will be over and they will have to wait till next year.

***************

I'm going to answer a quick question here that has nothing to do with snow. I've been asked about my feelings on the dressing twins alike thing. And in general, I think it is better to not dress your twins alike. Certainly not when they are old enough to pick out their own clothes. I think it is the individuality thing. They get categorized as "TWINS" enough by people and mixed up enough. You may have noticed that I rarely ever refer to my kids as "twins." Because people take that as if they are a set of something, rather than two individuals who just happened to share the same gestation period. They are going to have unique twin things that they share, and that is fine as long as it is on their terms. But in general, I don't think it is a good idea to dress them alike.

Now, having said that, If you look at my pictures you will notice that I am a big hypocrite. I do dress my kids very similarly most of the time. And sometimes exactly alike. Most of the time they are in different colors of the same outfit. In the next year or most certainly when they are three, they should be starting to choose their own clothing and dress themselves. And when that happens, all like dressing is off, unless they choose to do it themselves. But for now, I have my reasons for dressing them similarly.

• People give me doubles of everything as gifts or donations all the time. Every clothing gift for the boys I've ever gotten has been two matching outfits. No exceptions. Also, I received a lot of donated clothing from a mom of twins who dressed her boys alike. It's what I have. I have pairs of everything.
• But, I will admit to buying pairs of clothing myself. Mostly because I think shopping for boys clothing in the discount stores that I shop in is a huge bore. When I find something I like in the kids size, it is just easier to grab two of them. I do try to get different colors though. I don't think I've ever bought anything for them that was exactly alike.
• Stores sometimes have twin discounts on items where if you get 2 of the same things, they will take 10% off or something. The Gor-tex coats they are wearing above are a twin discounted purchase. (Ask about it at places like Baby Depot and Toys R Us).
• I know that I could have two of everything and just dress them differently each day, but this is a management issue. I have, I kid you not, shitloads of laundry that I do between the usual stuff and kids clothes and cloth diapers. It is easiest for me, for a number of reasons, to fold things up and put them away in matching sets of two outfits. This way, in the morning when we are rushing to get us all out the door, I can just grab two outfits that are all ready to go with socks, shoes, etc. It is easier to do this when things match.
• Also, along with this, because I can't see well, it is easier to manage different outfits when there is less variety. And to just grab a stack of shirts and pants that go together in the morning rather than trying to see or feel what matches what.
• On some occasions, I need assistance with supervising my kids. Like in the gymboree classes we used to take. If one of my kids ended up across the room, I could just grab another mom and ask her where the kid that is dressed like this one is. When they are babies, it helps for people to know that they both go with me. Dressing them alike helps with this. Also, it helps ME see them by color when I can't see them well. I don't have to remember what they are wearing as much.
• Okay, it is kind of cute. But, really, I can stop any time I want to.

Truthfully, I don't have a big hang-up about it. When they are ready to take over the dressing, they can choose what they want (within reason) and matching each other certainly won't be a requirement.

2!

I know every parent says this, but I cannot believe that I now have two two year olds. Two years ago today, I gave birth to two 5-ish pound 35 weekers who didn't know how to suck and who rapidly sunk to 4 pounds by the time I brought them home. I was for sure I was going to kill 'em any second. And if not them, myself. Now they are around 27 pounds each and are about 2'9" tall and can do so many things and say so many words that I can't keep track anymore. The reason parents have birthday parties for kids this young who don't even know it is their birthday is to celebrate getting through it. It is a celebration for the parents who then make a special day for their children if for anything just to thank them for entering our lives and putting up with us.

We did have a very good day today. D and I took the kids to the Children's Museum. They are really getting to be able to do most of the activities there. We always start off in the "Baby Garden" to get them acclimated. This usually takes around a half an hour, especially for Naim to get comfortable. Today, they both headed straight there on their own and started playing right away instead of doing the shy mom-cling. Then they played in the pretend doctors office, the construction pit, the waterworks (Naim still has texture issues here...so he mostly did the dad-cling while I played with Aaron and tried not to get completely wet), then their little grocery store/kitchen where they pushed little carts around and grabbed food and then even put everything back without even being asked, then we went and played at a big train table (yea! I found a train set they can play on that doesn't live at my house!) and then we tried story time, but they were too tired for it. We went and had an indoor picnic lunch that I brought and back on the train and home. After a nap, D and his father came over for pizza and cake and although I did not get them anything present wise, they got some nifty wooden cars, and a loud, annoying very educational, I'm sure, caterpillar that has alphabet for feet from their grandpa. Naim has already picked his favorite song off of it. They were riled up after that and did not want to go to bed but were too tired to be any use to themselves and thus became cranky. I let them watch "Blue's Clues" to round off their day of special things they don't usually get to do and then to bed they went.

***************

I want to just jot down a few developmental things here so I remember. Probably boring to most--it's your call.

Naim:

Naim is full of personality, goofiness and character. He is shy at first but is very outgoing once he is comfortable with you. He is very physical and does not like to sit for long. He likes this game that he calls "RUN" while he signs the sign for run so vigorously that he practically propels himself forward with just the force of the sign itself. We basically run through the house from the front door to the back door and back. We do different kinds of walking or running on each turn. We might stomp, walk like a penguin, walk and clap or with our hands up in the air, walk backwards or turn in circles or whatever. It is basically our form of follow the leader. With my broken foot, I haven't been able to play with him as much like this. This was really a problem for a few days, but now he is content to play the game himself or with Aaron with me just encouraging him on the sidelines.

Naim and I have worked extensively on speech and language the past few months and I have seen a lot of improvement. He is starting to enunciate more and more words that are understandable. The dreaded point and grunt is almost all but gone now. He will now sit with me for short periods with a book or with a sit down activity like coloring or play doh. We painted with watercolor and brushes the other day and he is getting better with tolerating different textures. He also is starting to be able to stand to squish the play doh a bit more. He is getting to be better at eating now and will try more foods at least. He is starting to figure out that just because something was too hot SIX MONTHS AGO!! that it isn't necessarily too hot this time. He says  a few two to three word sentences now. Mostly things like "Lights off." and "More milk." He also is starting to say, "Help me, please," when he can't do something instead of screaming his head off.

Naim is my constant helper with housework and chores. He loves to help me empty and load the dishwasher, sweep the floor, add/remove laundry from the washer and dryer, put things in the trash, get his bath things ready, pick up his toys. I almost feel guilty having him go and fetch me stuff so often because he actually really is starting to help me rather than be a pain in my side. But he really enjoys it and wants to help so I think it is good for him. I'm so totally not used to having a little man servant around. I suppose it won't last so I better enjoy it.

Naim's "spectrum-y" type behaviors still are of some concern, but I'm keeping a cool head about it at this time. He is extremely routine dependant and has some trouble with textures and has some almost OCD elements in his personality. When we had the cats, we needed to keep the door open to the path to their litter. Naim was crazy obsessive about shutting this door. Now he is crazy obsessive about which lights need to be on and which don't. I am noticing that as his language and understanding improves, we are able to get over some of these things. He had a problem with the dishwasher. He wanted to shut it constantly and turn it on. We had several tantrums when I did not let him turn it on, but eventually, he now gets that sometimes we turn it on and sometimes we don't. So, I'm thinking these may be quirky toddler things based on his anxiety over anticipatory stuff and as his language improves it will fade away. Despite some suggestions by others, I am not even close to ready to call in early intervention yet. My best intentions are for us to fly right under that radar. So far the stuff I am doing to help him anticipate what is coming and to be more flexible seems to be helping.

This routine dependence makes him an mostly very well-behaved child. He likes to know what is expected of him and he likes to comply. He easily walks with me and doesn't run off when we are out without the stroller. He listens and follows directions very well. He is so funny and friendly. One of my favorite things about Naim is his love for music. When he was a baby, he could be settled by the right bluesy number. Now, he almost always has a song in his head that he is singing. He knows a lot of classical tunes that he can sing and dance to upon hearing the name of the song. He picks up new songs right away and has definite preferences for music. He can keep a beat and has a bit of rhythm when he dances. He can finish the lyrics of many songs if I get him started. For his speech, we have read poems together and I've had him finish each line of familiar poems. He really enjoys rhythmic language. I will figure out how to give him some real opportunities to explore music in his future.

Naim does not need much physical affection, but will come and get some momlovins when he needs them. He has shown empathy for Aaron when Aaron has been crying or hurt. He also treats his dolls lovingly and is very gentle with the cats. I worry a bit about Naim letting Aaron dominate him and I'm still thinking about how to best deal with that. Naim is so much fun and mostly such an easy going kid to have around. Everyone loves Naim.

Aaron:

D and I still joke that Aaron is your standard issue baby. That does not mean that there is nothing special about him, he is just extremely typical of a lot of toddler's that I have worked with. Aaron still has his stunning smile that he will share with almost anyone. He is very willing to just jump into a new situation. Aaron is very affectionate and needs lots of hugs and kisses throughout the day. On average, he has got me in about one huge long bear hug every half hour.

He likes to sit and play with toys and read books more than run around. Although sometimes he and Naim will chase each other around the house and giggle and scream. He still can't keep up with Naim, but his walking has gotten much steadier. He is very squirmy and likes to tumble around and climb a lot, though. He likes me to throw him upside down and swing him around and stuff.

Aaron is all about language. His enunciation is almost perfect. There is very little baby talk with him. He says words slowly and deliberately, pausing to think between each word in order to get that enunciation down. I have no idea how many words he knows now. He learns new words almost instantly and every day there are new words he has learned. He talks in two or three word sentences most of the time and also likes to repeat everything you say. (Scary!) There is also getting to be less and less talking above him because he picks out things from your conversation. Lately he has not wanted me to read him books. He wants to sit with his own books and read them himself.

There is a margin of error, but Aaron knows his main colors, shapes, letters, and numbers up to around 5-10. He finds letters everywhere. On cereal boxes, the light rail train, TV, clothing, toothpaste. He doesn't know the small letters as well but knows all the capitals. I told him the other day that the "Q" he identified on the oatmeal started the word Quaker and the "O" said Oats. Three days later I asked him to get me oatmeal from the cupboard and he put his finger on the wording and traced it while saying "Quaker Oats." I cannot stop this kid from learning to read. I think by this time next year he might be reading early phonics books.

Aaron has a stubborn side and he can be a bit of a bully. He grabs toys away from Naim and also gets very jealous over my attention. I'm still trying to think of the best way to deal with this. If I pull the toy back out of his hand, that seems to reinforce that pulling toys away from people is OK. Naim doesn't help matters when I try to get Aaron to give the toy back, but by that time, Naim is so upset he doesn't want the toy anymore. My new strategy is to let him take the toy, say something to the effect that he made Naim very sad by taking his toy away, and then ignore him while showering Naim with attention as we find something new for him to do. Aaron is an attention whore, so sometimes he is pulling the toy away not so much for the toy itself, but because Naim and I were playing with it. He thinks my interest is the toy. Not playing with Naim. So I think I will ignore and still play with Naim. If you all have a better idea that you've tried for this, let me know.

Aaron tests and tests and tests my limits. He tries my patience, but then takes it so personally and gets so upset when I don't let him do something. D and I joke that Aaron is an only child trapped in a twin's body. I love to sit on the couch with Aaron and read and talk together. I love his smile in the morning and all of his hugs. He can work himself into the most delightful full fledged laugh and you can't help but laugh, too. But I do need breaks from Aaron in order to give him the patience he needs and the attention he demands. We will get through the twos, Aaron and I, I just have to work on helping him work his stubbornness into something useful and help him find ways  to keep himself company sometimes. I think he is going to be a naturally social child. I think he might be a kid who likes a lot of people around. I am looking forward to having a lot of real and diverse conversations with him when he is older.

***************

Now that they are two, they have aged in to a couple of activities that we will be trying. At the gym where I take them for two hours, three days a week for childcare, they have "Little Feet Fridays." This is basically a playgroup for two to four year olds that is in the big gym, not in childcare, for a half-hour. They get to play in the inflatable things, do little obstacle courses, play with balls and scooters, etc. It is a gross motor skill, run off the excess energy activity that we so sorely need in the winter months here. They also can be in childcare for more than two hours at a time now, so I might start alternating and taking one of them swimming with me for a half hour on the days that I swim. This will give them some time apart, which they've had zilch of, and also give them some one on one time with me. Also, at the Children's Museum, we might try a toddler clay/art class for two and three year olds. This will hopefully help Naim with some of his hating to touch anything stuff. And it is clay/art somewhere that is not my home and thus I don't have to clean it up. Right after that, they have a toddler story/song time that I think we'll try as long as we are there. Then we still have our healthy start teacher coming twice a month. She is very nice and I like her, but she gives me very little useful information whatsoever. However, I think due to lack of family participation, it is good that the kids have a visitor and a chance to be social. She also always brings fun activities for them to do that I was too lazy to think up. And then we continue to work through "Slow and Steady, Get Me Ready" and my Montessori Assistant to Infancy textbooks at a very informal and leisurely pace. If for no other reason than that the activities in these books that mostly require things like toilet paper rolls, clothespins and shoe boxes; which has allowed me to get by without buying and putting out a million toys.

And that is a look at where we are and what things look like here in the near future for us. I can't believe I have TWO year olds already!!! Have I said that? But then I think about that when my mother was my age she had a 14 year old and a 16 year old. Wow. I'm old.

Proofs

This went better than last year, but still a challenge. It will be nice when I can say, "Sit there and smile, kids." And although these pictures are nice (and also better than last year's Babies R Us photos), Sears Portrait Studio held these pictures for ransom and kept me there for 3 hours waiting...waiting...waiting for them to put them up on computer that I knew I would hardly be able to see until I bought something. (I was planning to buy, but I was trying to convince them that making me purchase pics of proofs I could barely see from a computer screen was unfair and why can't I take them home and order later? I even offered to put down a deposit of some kind to be able to do this. But NO. They'd rather kidnap me and my dirty diapered, tired, crying and hungry children until I decided what to buy based on absolutely nothing but one goofy salesgirl's opinion. The same salesgirl, who, when I inquired as to whether a particular picture could be flipped so my kid was facing the reverse direction, said, "Oh, you don't want to do that. The other side of the tricycle has a missing pedal." Um, yeah. And I'm supposed to trust her to pick out pictures of my kids? Oh? Am I still writing in parenthesis? I am. I'll stop now and let you see the pics.)

I was going for an old-timey depression era farmboy look that was just begging to be sepia-ed. I was also looking for props the kids would be interested in playing with to relax them and distract them from the crazy, shrill faux sneezing lady that was snapping bright lights at them. In between some tears, we got these:

Aaron

Naim

Aaron

And one more try at getting both to look the right direction and smile...

...Can't be done. But I'm not a big fan of pictures where everyone just poses and looks at the camera with a big fake smile. Indigo girl had some beautiful pictures of her twin girls done that I was completely jealous of (they are password protected, so you'll have to trust me on that) but the photographer had them outside at a park, I think, and just took shots of them doing the natural stuff kids do. I might have to splurge for a real photographer next year, if possible.

I Don't Have Much To Say, But I Have Pictures*!

Well, I wrote a post a few days ago and then lost it because my IP was acting up (or acting down as the case may be) and I lost most of it. Then I sat down the other day to write a post and my IP was down again. So, lets see how far I get tonight. Now I don't even remember what I was going to write about before anyway.

I've been in the market for children's shoes but I've been stalling. I've been waiting for Aaron to learn to walk because I want him in the soft soled pre-walkers to walk in first. And because shoes are expensive so I wanted them to completely grow out of their shoes. Well, this week, one of Aaron's shoes got a hole in it. At first it was a small hole and I duct taped it! But that only lasted a day or so, and the hole got bigger and I started worrying about what the Joneses (whoever they are) would think of my kid running around in half duct taped holes in his shoes, so I had to break down and just get something. I found some shoes on sale at Famous Footwear but they only had one pair in itty bitty sizes. So, I decided to give Naim's soft soled shoes to Aaron and buy Naim new 'real' shoes. He is ready for them. Aaron has bigger feet than Naim, so this solution will only probably last a month or two before Aaron will either grow out of these or wear another hole in them. But maybe (maybe?) he'll be walking by then. He is actually starting to walk very short distances occasionally on his own. (I'm talking between 2 and 4 feet.) And he wants to grab my hand and have me walk with him a lot more than he used to, which was never. So I'm hopeful.

Naim was very happy with his new shoes ("SOOOS!" while banging his fists together repeatedly ASL style.) But he decided that he could only walk with them if I held his hand. Then he picked up his feet really high and stomped with them back and forth in the living room. After about a half hour of this, he decided that he could possibly handle walking on his own with them. Little kid shoes are so cute. They are one of the things I remember passing by when I was pre-children and wondering if I'd ever buy them. (The other thing was going into model homes and apartments and the smallest room was always set up as a beautiful nursery. Walking into those rooms before I had children was actually becoming physically painful.)

Oh, but as usual, I digress.

Aaron also got his "little mommy" shopping cart. It came with a lot of little jars and boxes and pretend food that occupied them both the first few days. I can't tell you how many times I have mimed eating a vinyl banana shoved in my face in the last few days. Inserting and yanking that poor baby doll in and out of the cart was another activity that occupied an immense amount of time. Finally, just today, they started showing interest in the cart itself. I'm going to have to send a picture of this to my father. It will make him cringe and that will make me laugh.

Speaking of hetero-normative behavior, I got a few emails both for and adamantly against dressing boys in girls clothing. I can see both ways of looking at it, but here was the point I was trying to make: Doncha think it wouldn't be that bad to make some boys clothing with something else on them besides vehicles and sports? I don't think I really want to dress my boys in pepto bismal pink with ruffles. But, I think it would be nice to have say, a nice boys shirt...maybe in earth tones...no ruffles...but with some bugs, butterflies or wildflowers on them, nature stuff. Maybe these do exist, but not in the discount stores I shop in. It seems like boys get baby blue with teddy bears until nine months, and then it is all red or blue with vehicles and sports. A little variety is all I ask. I'm bored, and the kids like nature stuff. Why should they have basketballs and baseball bats on their shirts when they can't even play at this age and don't even get what a baseball bat is? Okay?

I did also go buy them some swim trunks. Heh. Because they are taking "swimming lessons" at my gym this summer. (It's free). I bought them a size T2 because I'm hoping they will last for two summers, but they are HUGE on them. The gym requires baby swim diapers and swimsuits, so I kind of did it begrudgingly. This class is for 18 months to 3 years and requires a parent. I asked if I could alternate kids (and thus only buy one swimsuit), but they said they'd rather have them both come each time and they would help me with the extra one. Really, at this age, is attendance so important that they need to come every time? I told them I can't wear my hearing aids in the pool and I'll be totally deaf so I hope I don't have to actually listen or anything, and they seemed cool with that. They said its mostly playing around and singing songs and stuff. Mostly it is a time allotment where they are allowing the diaper-wearing set to use the pool. I'm a little worried about having two of them in the pool at once, even when the instructor says she'll take one of them. But my dad should be coming sometime in July so maybe I can get him to come and he can take one of them. We went swimming last Thanksgiving in the hotel pool when we went to visit D's sister. She took one and I took the other and they had fun. So, you know, its just something to do with them to wile away the time in lieu of their bored whining. D didn't learn to swim until he was much older so he thinks its a little ridiculous. But I want them to learn to swim the earlier the better. Then you can worry just a little less when they are in the pool. This class is "Waterbabies" then 3-5 year-olds are "Waterbunnies" and then at 5 I think they really start teaching them stuff. So, D, yes. We have aways to go.

Tonight I gave them some macaroni in tomato sauce, carrots, and blueberries to eat and a plastic fork to eat it with. They usually eat their cereal in the morning with a spoon (they eat the first half of the bowl and then I usually have to help them finish), but tonight was the first time I gave them a fork. I just put the food right on their highchair tray. My gosh, the room was totally silent with the intensity of their concentration. They really worked hard on trying to use the fork. Aaron gets the whole stabbing the food thing, but Naim tries to scoop it spoon style or tries, with some success, to smash the fork down onto the food and then pick it up. They are really picking up the whole utensil thing, which is good because they are starting to really not tolerate being fed by me. I'm thinking a few more months and I'll be off the hook.

*I'm using the camera that takes more skill than I have. Consequently, I can't really tell how good these pictures are. Oh, and before you email me about blood or something-- I wouldn't be surprised in the slightest if there is spagetti sauce on the kids' heads. I spent several minutes wiping it out of their hair before I decided the hell with it.

Why Do I Find Them So Adorable When They Are Sleeping?

Is it because they are being their cute selves while also giving me a moment's peace?

First Steps

At 15 and a half months, here is the kids' weights:

Aaron:
21 pounds, 14 ounces
6th percentile for weight
2 feet, 7 inches tall
41st percentile for height

Naim:
22 pounds
14th percentile for weight
2 feet, 6 1/2 inches tall
26th Percentile for height

First of all, this is the first time in recorded history that Naim has weighed more than Aaron. the kid who didn't eat for the first month of his life now eats circles around his brother, who has become a bit of a picky eater. Second, notice how much 2 ounces and 1/2 inch makes in the percentiles. People always seem horrified when I tell them the percentiles, but there is really just a couple of inches/pounds between the 3rd and the 97th percentiles. These are not adjusted for prematurity, which officially they can do until the kids are two years old. They've followed their percentile arc appropriately, actually they've only jumped up to higher arcs since the beginning when they were dropping below the charts. So, they are preemie twins, still. And they are doing good.

Finally, a drum roll is needed......

Naim took his first steps!!!

Now, he has taken a little step or two before, but I'm going on record as his first steps being today, March 23rd. Today he walked about 15 feet all the way across my living room while holding a push toy in the air. I think he thought he was holding on to a walker or something. I had to test him to see if he knew he was walking, because his is a confidence issue and I wanted him to know. So (and this is what single moms do in lieu of husbands) I propped him up on a coffee table and then sat in a chair about 5 feet away and encouraged him to walk to me, and he did it several times. I'd walk him back, and then he would walk to me. He was ecstatic with himself. Before, when I've tried to do this, he would just drop to the floor and crawl, even if I was only six inches away. After this he got tired and was a crawler again, but I'm thinking this was a breakthrough after 6 months of cruising.

Still no word from Aaron on whether he ever intends to walk. But I think Naim walking might give Aaron an idea or two.

So, if you are reading this and you also know that pseudo-husband of mine, do me a favor and don't let him know yet. I think if I tell him, he will be sad he missed it. But if I wait a few days and show him by surprise (if Naim will cooperate), I think it will be more fun for him.

What am I gonna do with an ambulatory child who can move through 3 dimensional space without borders to hang on to? I mean, he walked right across the living room.

Funny Twin Comments

I'm popping in for just a minute to share the following list below that I completely ripped off from this blog. (I would have linked to it but I couldn't figure out how to permalink that specific post.)

Twin moms/dads are funny at first because they are  completely taken aback by the whole amount of unsolicited attention and stupid comments that twins bring out in public. They do cause a bit of a fuss sometimes, and I've heard most of the below comments, but allow me this: The attention you get from twins is NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING compared to the attention and dumb comments you get when you are a deaf/blind guide dog user with a quadriplegic companion. Having twins sans guide dog right now (and sans quadriplegic) is practically like being invisible. You ladies are just amateurs!

(And the attention you get being a deaf/blind mom of twins with a quadriplegic dad? Well, let me just say that total strangers have asked us on more than one occasion "Can you guys even do it or did those kids come from a test tube?" Oh, yeah. I am the champ of unsolicited, weird comments from the public. Go ahead, I challenge you! Try and one-up me! Heh, heh.)

Gotta laugh at these

Even though I didn't come up with these, I have heard all the following questions myself, except for #1. If you were thinking about saying one yourself, please refrain!

15 Dumbest Twin Comments (posted by Parents of Twins Journal)--
15. "I could never do it." (Oh, really. What would you do? Would you put them on the curb with signs around their necks that say, "Free to a good home. My mom can't do it."?)
14. "Do they have different personalities?" (No. They are the same human being divided into several parts.)
13. Said by a stranger, "They're identical, right?" Mom answers, "No. They're fraternal." Stranger response, "They are NOT!" (OK. You're right. I have no idea what I'm talking about. These are not my children. I thought it would be fun to borrow them from a mom down at Baby Gap. It's been more than an hour. I guess I should return them.)
12. "Are they 'paternal' twins?" (Yes. They have a father. There was only one virgin birth.)
11. "Just wait till they're older. It only gets harder." (Thank you. I woke up this morning hoping I'd receive a word of discouragement while pushing a cart of preschoolers down the cereal aisle.
10. "When one cries, does she wake the others?" (No. Multiples cannot hear each other's cries because they all communicate with their special telepathic language only.)
9. From a perfect stranger: "Were they in the same sac?" (Hello. Nice to meet you, too. Will you be sharing your gynecological history with me as well?)
8. "Are they developmentally behind?" (Well, let's see. They're 3 years old and thus far, all their graduate school applications have been denied. We'll get back with you on that.)
7. "How do you do it?" (Haven't you seen the Nike commercials?)
6. "Are they natural?" (Nope, their arms and legs are made of silicone.)
5. "You must be SO busy." (Are you volunteering to clean my house?)
4. "Did you take drugs?" (Well, there was this one time in college...)
3. "What do you do when they all cry at the same time?" (Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I go to Starbucks.)
2. Said to a mom of boy/girl twins: "Are they identical?" (Uh. Not exactly.)
1. Only one comment could be voted No. 1. Drum roll, please. After a stranger had been informed that the toddler boys were twins, she asked a simple question: "Are they brothers?" (Enough said.)