I got a question in real life about the kid's names, which reminded me that I had the same and similar questions from you people that live in my computer that I have not answered, which reminded me that I have some other family related questions that I have not answered, so here we go:
What did you do for the kids' last name? Yours, D's, or some combination thereof?
The kids have my last name and D's last name for a middle name. It took a lot of thought and talking it out and even a birth certificate mistake to get to that point. I always knew I would keep my name, even if I were married. Once you develop a few degrees and a curriculum vitae and a professional life, it makes it really illogical to go and change to your husband's name for no reason. As for my kids, I always thought they would have my name, I gave birth to them, I would likely be the main go-to person concerning them and the primary caretaker. Seems like it makes logical sense that they would have my last name. But I was not opposed to incorporating their father's name into it somehow. Also, with my situation with D and him being the 'adoptive' father, it became more important to me that he have a lot of recognizable ties to the kids, since ~ahem~ we already had people who refused to recognize his role as their father. So, we decided when I was pregnant that they would have the dreaded two last names and be [first name][middle name][D's last name][my last name]. We decided that my last name would be last for a couple of reasons. First, because when my mom died and soon after I became pregnant, I really wanted to incorporate her name (Diane Kathryn) into my kids names. Easy if they were girls, not so easy with two boys. Also, my dad asked me to have our last name be the kid's last name because otherwise it was the end of the line for that last name. That wasn't a big priority for me, but naming them after my family of origin name was sort of a way to name them after my mother. If my dad was happy in the process, then all the better. But I wanted to get D in there too, so we decided on the two names.
In the first few weeks after the kids were born, both D and I were driven nuts by the two last names deal, though. We had to get them SSNs, and insurance and me set up as a trustee for them and custody papers and doctors appointments and all of that kind of stuff. The whole double name thing was just the biggest pain in the ass. Bureaucracies just couldn't seem to handle it. They lost their records because they were filed under his initial or my initial. Or the name was too long for the computer. Or they hyphenated it and that screwed it up in the computer. We already had to spell out Naim, and the parents with two last names and addresses, so it was just inflicting more insanity to have to struggle with the last name as well. D and I talked again about it, and we both agreed to just go with one last name. The easiest way to do this, was to tell the hospital birth certificate administrator that we had put D's last name in the wrong spot and it was meant to be a middle name. If you and the hospital administrator sign an affidavit within the first so many days that a mistake was made on the birth certificates, it is easy to change at no cost and no court appearance is necessary. The hospital people were cooperative about this and new birth certificates were issued.
They now have two middle names. Either of which they can use or not use. When they reach the age of 18, they can decide what they want to go by. If they want to incorporate D's last name more formally, by going double or even choosing it altogether, I'm fine with that. They will have lots of options there.
Where did the name "Naim" come from?
I wrote about that here.
What is the significance of "Twinkle Little Star"?
This is name related as well. I don't know if I have written about Aaron's name or not. I had lots of girls names picked out and only Naim as a boys name. When I found out I was having two boys, I was stumped on a second name. When I was 32 weeks pregnant and had a facial hemorrhage and retinal detachment and had to have emergency eye surgery (and did I make enough of a stink about having NO ANESTHETIC except for numbing eye drops yet? NO? NO ANESTHETIC OR MEDICATION, people!). Anyway, this surgery lasted for over 2 FUCKING HOURS in which I was wide awake, flat on my back, with two babies suffocating me by squishing my lungs and causing really bad, bad throw-uppy reflux. And it is really not fun to have to throw up on the OR table, knowing that if you move before warning the surgeon, you could send a scalpel or whatever he was scraping on my eye with across your brain or something. And I thank you readers for patiently letting me bitch about that at least once every two months and work out my PTSD or whatever is up my ass about it.
I'm telling you all this also so I can rationalize the nerdygeekerotomy of why I named my kid after Aeryn Sun from Farscape and blame it on my crazed and compromised state at the time. Yes. I named Aaron after Aeryn Sun, a gun toting hot chick alien on the SciFi show "Farscape." And I decided this during this surgery.
But there is a nice part to this story. See, I was lying there and trying to distract myself from the surgery with any means possible. I was worried about the kids, at this point I was pre-eclampsic and in surgery and thinking something bad could happen to the kids at any minute. Naim was always positioned very compactly and way low in my uterus. It was hard to tell when he, specifically was moving. Aaron was always spread, transverse, across the top of my uterus, right under my rib cage, and I could always feel him moving. And could even very specifically tell what he was moving usually. So during this surgery, Aaron was moving around, and it was comforting because then I knew he was okay, and also it gave me something to focus on. I concentrated on him as my center. He was getting me through this surgery, it was all worth it to make sure he (and Naim) would be okay.
So I started remembering this episode of Farscape, where the lead guy John Crichton, an astronaut misplaced in the universe, is telling his love interest Aeryn about how he is lost in completely foreign part of the universe, in unchartered territories. He is compelled to make a star chart of the new stars wherever he goes. For a frame of reference, he chooses the brightest star he sees and uses that as his central reference point. He always names this star, Aeryn. She is his guide and constant in the chaotically changing equation of the universe. So, this is what my Aaron became to me during my surgery and the weeks of scary bed rest and contractions after. The center is my children. So, he is not so much named after Aeryn but after a bright, navigating star. His name sign is the sign for star but initialized with "A" hand shapes. I changed the spelling to make it a bit more common and male. But also in those few godawful weeks after they were born, I hung on to this thought. I may be about to die of pain and exhaustion but I can do this if I keep my focus on my center, the shining star, which is the kids. I would sing "Twinkle Little Star" to them when I was feeding them to keep myself awake and to remind me. Twinkle Little Star is the first song Aaron really learned to sing on his own as well. So, that's where that comes from.
Okay, I have a bunch of in-law questions in the qeue as well that I've avoided because I am sort of loath to write anymore on that. But the whole in-law issues seem to really bring out a lot of feelings of empathy in people and also of sort of a similar need to deal with that aspect. I get a lot of emails from people telling me their stories. And a lot of support as well, which has been really nice. It is kind of hard to balance not writing too much about it unnecessarily, yet also maybe kind of fulfilling a need that people may have to share and deal with some of these issues. My loyalty is, quite frankly, more towards my readers as compared to my in-laws, who I don't really think too much about anymore and so kind of seem irrelevant. But yet I still want to be respectful as you would be to anyone, even if I have no relationship with them. It is a hard balance to strike. So I will try to answer some of the simple ones as straightforwardly as possible.
Are you going to let the kids have a relationship with the in-laws?
This will kind of be a take things as they come and I'll know when I get there kind of thing. But I'm not going to say no. When they are old enough that D can care for them on their own (I do not want him depending on help from them to care for them), say when they are five or so, I would not object to them going to social gatherings with D. This is, of course, based on whether they would even be invited and whether D would want to take them over there, which as of now I don't think he is too keen on. But if they were included in D's family stuff, then I would be okay with it as long as they are ok with it. I would keep my opinion out of it, and if they came back and told me what fun they had...great. No problem there. But if they came back and told me that they were treated rudely, were left out, felt uncomfortable, or just didn't like to go, I would respect that as well. It would really be up to them what kind of relationship they want to have with them. I would not interfere unless I saw a major problem.
They do spend time with D's father, and when they are in town, his sister and brother and they really seem to enjoy them and vice versa. This is all initiated by them usually through D and takes place either at my house or his house. I just go with the flow there and I like that they enjoy spending time with each other. The only houses that have been sort of made "off limits" to us is his mother's house and his older brother and sister in laws house. But those settings are where the major family events often happen. So, we'll see how it goes. I have no interest in banning them from their relatives, as long as they are not hurt by them and enjoy them.
Which brings me to two kind of related questions.
Does it bother you that D spends time with/has a relationship with his family? And How do you handle the major holidays and birthdays?
In general it does not bother me that D has a relationship with his family. My main issues with D in that regard have been that I get tired of D complaining to me about issues he has with his family that he will not talk to them about himself. I admit that it was/sometimes still is hard for me to reconcile that D can have a relationship with people that reject his children. Despite all of our differences, and things that I have most certainly done wrong, this is the thing I can't get over. Cutting people out of your life just for the sake of avoiding differences of opinions, misunderstandings or conflicts, especially children who have nothing to do with it, is just morally repugnant to me. I know that in extreme cases it may be necessary to cut people out of your life. For instance, if abuse is involved or if perhaps a major complicated drug and alcohol addiction that is putting people in danger is involved. But to cut people off because they have different lifestyles or opinions, and their innocent children besides, that is just beyond the beyond in my book. I can't think of anyone ever that I have ever cut out of my life. Sure, there were times I called them to tell them I needed some space for a while. There is not an ex-boyfriend, high school or college friend, or relative that I can think of that I would turn away if they came to my door. I have set certain boundaries with some, but have not ever refused to ever see or talk to anyone again. And of course I have lost touch with people, but that is not the same as deliberately and maliciously cutting someone out of your life rather than just being brave enough to work out your differences (or even agree to disagree), especially when the other party is willing as I always have been open to. So, I'm going off now, but that is what is hard for me with D. He seems to accept it while being hurt and angered by it at the same time. Its frustrating.
LIke, once a couple of years ago, he called me up hurt and furious because he got a Christmas card that was addressed to him, Naim and Aaron specifically. Like as if writing their names on an envelop made up for the fact that she, in general, doesn't acknowledge their existence or even ask about Aaron after a trip to the ER, etc. I just laughed, but he read it like it was a slap in the face. I told him to say something if it bothered him, but he never did. Then, two weeks later, he was pissed again because he got a thank you card from the same person for a DVD he copied that he gave her for Christmas. The card went off on how she was so happy for the gift because of the "intentions." He thought she was reading WAAAY too much into a simple obligatory gift like it made everything ok. And who gives thank you notes for Christmas presents anyway? He whined. I told him that if he didn't speak up, she was going to assume everything was okay and was going to assume his intentions were accepting of her behavior. What else could she do? In our culture, saying nothing is complicit with agreement or consent.
I can't tell you how many letters he has written to them and even videos he has made of himself for them that tell them how he really feels, but he never gives it to them. This was hard for me at first, but now I just sort of accept it. I kind of washed my hands of the whole thing, not worth the space it was taking up in my brain. He is going to have whatever relationship he is going to have with them. I stay out of it. He does things I don't agree with and I used to get more involved in it but now I just don't anymore. There are things that he does that I will get blamed for, like currently he is using his dad as an unpaid attendant and I think that he should either hire someone else or pay his dad. This would come out of my salary and I'm fine with that. But I can't physically do the paperwork to make this happen. He has to do it. So I know I probably get blamed for this. Like I am the one hogging all the attendant hours when I have been more than willing to give up to half of them up. Things like this used to bother me, but I don't care anymore. He's going to do what he is going to do and I can't put a gun to his head.
So, that has been difficult, but I think over the past couple of years I've really gotten over it and moved on. In a weird way, it is almost reassuring as a parent that he cannot give up on his mother so easily and still keeps a relationship with her. Like, that mother/child bond is strong. And I think of my own relationship with my kids and I think, well, I'm never going to treat them THAT badly so the mistakes I do make will be recoverable. Or if I do screw up that badly, I will not put my head in the sand and refuse to deal with it, I will make an effort. So in some weird way in my head, it gives me reassurance that my kids and I will always maintain a bond since D can maintain a bond with his mother. She's his mother, and I accept that relationship as important. I try to give him space with it, if I didn't, I'd be acting just as bad as they do.
As far as holidays and stuff. I think if I didn't have kids, I would be much more flexible. But we have agreed to some standards on that issue. Basically, I have certain holidays and special days that I feel he needs to be here for. Christmas, Thanksgiving, kids birthdays, mothers/fathers day, Easter. Is that it? I think so. He has always been in total agreement about this as well. I have no problem with him spending their special days with them like their birthdays, anniversaries, etc. Also, for things like Christmas and Mother's day, I have no problem with him spending time over there on a different day. Like the day before mother's day or Christmas eve's eve. Other holiday's like fourth of July or whatever, we just kind of take it as it comes. I am not a big fourth of July person, so I don't care if he goes over there. But if the kids later on want to plan something and want him here, then I would expect him to be here. So, those are just kind of "lets see what the plans are" days. If we aren't planning anything special and they are, then I see no reason for him to sit around here. But if we are, then the default is us. He has always been in agreement to this.
Other questions kind of related:
How does it work, legally, when you have a donor? Did D have to adopt the kids with the home study and court appearance,e tc.? And, Do you and D have legal child support/custody agreements? Did you have to go to court for this?
The laws may be different in each state and I'm not a lawyer, blah blah blah...but this is how it worked as best I recall. Its been a couple of years so I'm rusty. Sperm and eggs are considered genetic material and thus anonymous donors do not automatically have legal rights to the children their donated genetic material produces. But as added precaution, they do sign the legal documents that waive their parental rights. So when there is a live birth from a donor, the RE has to file with the department of vital records or whatever a legal document that the RE and I signed that states that the kids were conceived through a donor. It also has the means through the andrology lab to connect it to the signed waiver of parental rights. So that goes together as far as the donor end of things goes.
In Oregon, the default father is assumed to be the husband. Even if the kids are from a donor, the husband is assumed to be the father. As long as the above stuff is filed, the mother can just put his name down on the birth certificate and its done and legal and there you go. Also in Oregon, the mother, if she is unwed, can really put down whoever she wants to be the father. She can leave it blank, or she can even put "donor." She can put Joe Schmoe. (Then Joe Schmoe would have the right to contest this through a paternity suit if he wanted to, but she can put him down if she wants to, even if they've never met before). To tidy things up even more, when an unmarried mother puts down the name of the father on the birth certificate, he and she can sign a paternity affidavit that states that both are in agreement that he is the legal father and thus he has all legal rights and responsibilities to this child. This is what D and I did. So, legally, these are the documents following my kids: The birth certificate that names D as the father, the affidavit that we signed that says he is the father, the RE's affidavit that I signed that states that these kids are conceived from a particular donor, and the donor's waiver of parental rights. So we are pretty squared away, and it was not necessary for D to go through an official adoption. However, if we didn't do all this within the first 30(?) days of their birth, he would have had to go through the adoption process.
I'd be interested to know how this works for lesbian couples who use donors. Does anyone know? What interests me is this: People sometimes ask me if D could suddenly decide that he doesn't want to have this father gig anymore and just get a paternity test that shows he is not the biological father. The answer is no. He may have been able to do it in the first few weeks, but now, no matter what his biological link or even legal link is, he has a longstanding relationship with the kids where he is recognized as their father. So, the court will see him in this role and he can't just say, "sorry, changed my mind." What interests me about this is that I don't think lesbian women get the same protections that I get. The non-biological mother in a two mother family, I believe, has to adopt officially. (And there are states where she can't adopt officially?) If she doesn't, I think she can back out if she wants at any time, yet also doesn't have legal rights to them either. If I'm wrong about this, I'm sure you all will correct me.
As far as D and I and custody goes, we are not required to have anything official with the courts as long as we both consent to our own arrangements, which is what we've done so far. We have used one of those law document software thingies and have made legal power of attorneys, guardianship stuff in case we die, wills, and a basic custody document that is just maintained by us, not filed in court.
Our basic arrangement in more legal terms is that I have sole custody, D has visitation. We did this rather than joint custody for some stupid disability related reasons that are too long to get into. His visitation schedule (which is extremely flexible) right now is that he sees the kids at least three times a week. He can miss three visits a month in cases of illness or emergency only. He usually sees the kids more than that, though. I'd say four or five times in a typical week. Sometimes every day. As far as child support goes, it is very loosy goosy. Basically, he has to pay me something every month. Something, depending on his circumstances, can be as low as a dollar or as high as a million dollars. But quite frankly is usually between 50 and 100 dollars. In his hospitalized months, it was a dollar. My main goal here is commitment, not money. Since there really is no money to speak of. What is important to me is that he physically makes a payment every month, whatever that is. There are times when he also buys stuff for them as well, and incidental stuff that he pays for, but generally, financially, I am responsible for about 99% of their needs. If he were to win the lottery or be able to work more, we would renegotiate. When they are older and more independent, we will also renegotiate visitation so he can have them to himself for entire days or even weekends. We'll just sort of play that by ear.
Okay, I think I'm all caught up on questions for a while now? You can ask me more but be prepared to wait a few days, weeks or months!