How I &$%^!@#ing Hate Potty Training

I have to admit being a lucky  parent. Except for Naim's feeding problems early on and Aaron's febrile seizures that seem to have ceased, I have had very few, if any, real problems parenting them. And the aforementioned problems are purely medical, not behavioral--as in--there wasn't anything I could do about them anyway except ride them out.

They weaned nicely out of co-sleeping and slept through the night from five months on. I've only very occasionally had to rescue them from a midnight fever, fall out of bed, or nightmare. They gave up the paci at probably two months. (Although I still have a finger sucker that I'm basically ignoring at this point.) Giving up the bottle was a non-issue. I weened them down slowly while they learned to use a cup and then, the day after their 2nd birthday, got rid of all bottles altogether. It was a nonevent. Also non-eventful was the switch from cribs to beds. I skipped the toddler bed, the guard rails, the mattress on the floor, etc. They had a choice for a few weeks to either sleep in crib or bed, then I sold the cribs and that was that. Aaron especially is picky about vegetables, but going to solid foods and having them eat themselves with a fork and spoon was, if not instantaneous, pretty smooth going. We have our share of tantrums, but between signs, and my inability to understand or put up with grunts and moans, they developed language (even Naim's pronunciation is getting good enough for strangers to understand). I think we came through the so-called "Terrible Twos" without too much permanent damage. Except for the fact that there is two of them and only one of me, which is always a challenge, we've really had no serious struggles.

That is,

Until,

Potty Training.

A great deal of the problem has been me. I have been inconsistent. I have potty-trained other kids before. But never two at once. Never two boys at once. Boys. Boys, boys, boys. I cannot tell you how sick I am of little-bitty p*enises and their inability to remain positioned IN THE HOLE! How many times have I said, "Check your p*enis, is it in the hole? It needs to be in the hole!"

Part of the problem is that I'm sick of dealing with potty and poop. Okay? You know how auto mechanics always have junked up cars and computer IT guys always have a million non-working computer parts strung across their desk? It is because when you do something "professionally," you lose any inspiration to deal with it on your own time.

I deal with bodily fluid. A lot. D's bodily fluids, the cat's, the dog's when she is here, my own, even my dad's sometimes (because men's inability to keep a bathroom clean has nothing to do with anatomy, it has to do with the arrogance of the patriarchy...but that's another rant altogether.) Anyway, there are days when I have literally cleaned up after six or seven people's piss and other bodily fluids and mess. The cleaning up  of butts, the cleaning up of bathrooms, the laundry, the litter box, the poo in the yard. AND I'M NOT GETTING PAID ENOUGH FOR THIS!!!

Yeah, so. I've been unmotivated and inconsistent. I have stopped when my dad has been in town, cuz who wants to deal with that temper fallout when the kids pee on the living room floor? I have tried boot-camping it for several days and then go crazy being stuck in the house all the time. I have done it the naked kid around the house way, which works with Naim but Aaron really doesn't give a flying fuck if pee should happen to come out as he is playing with his fire truck. He just keeps on playing. I have tried being super positive and fun about it. (We did the big wrapping up of the big boy underpants and presenting them as a Very! Special! Present!) We did anatomically correct peeing dolls. We've talked and talked and TALKED about all the convenience and wonderful greatness that goes with having a clean, dry bum and going in the toilet. I have tried sticker charts and even candy incentives, which as I knew, wouldn't work for very long. (Naim will go for that for about 4 or 5 days before he doesn't care anymore. Aaron will go 4 or 5 hours before he loses interest.) I have read potty books, I have tried different potty chairs. I have tried pull-ups, cloth padded training pants and Thomas and Diego underpants. I have tried encouragement and big celebratory dances after a success. And without really intending too, I have yelled in frustration after the 35th accident of the day. I have tried doing them separately and together. I have tried waiting a few weeks until they are "ready."

And before you all start giving me advice, they ARE ready. They can hold their bladder for hours and even sometimes all night. They can tell you in detail how they should stop what they are doing and run to the potty chair and pull down their pants and blah blah blah. They can pull down their pants themselves. They tell their dolls that "Potty belongs in the toilet." They totally get it. They just know that I'm going to cop out and give up in a few days if they just complain hard enough. And I do. Because I am tired or I'm so behind on housework or we are going to have to be out all day for several days in a row or I have to run and help D do something and it is just easier to throw on a diaper and go.

So, here is my new approach. And I'm not giving up. I'm going to push through this until we get to the other side. And my dad is coming next week so he will just have to deal with the mess. And there is mess. Aaron sat today on the living room floor and pooped and just sat there in it as if he didn't even notice. Basically, I'm going modified Alfie Kohn. Or is it tough love? I don't know, but I'm done with candy and stickers and begging them to go potty and having a screaming match when I ask them to sit on the potty. I'm not saying a word anymore. I'm only really doing one thing:

The diapers? They are gone. No more diapers. They get a pull-up at night, but first thing in the morning, it is off and that is it. I went and got a bunch of just navy/neutral colored sweatpants at a consignment shop and I made up a backpack with about four pants and four pairs of underpants and plastic bags and wipes and paper towels and we go out the door. If they have an accident (and they do) we stop everything and go clean up. And they have to do the cleaning up. And the majority of changing clothes. (I help with shoes.) I have told them that I will clean up anything that lands in a potty chair, but anything that lands anywhere else? They have to clean up. I got a bunch of paper towel rolls, a big bottle of 409 and carpet cleaner and some of those clorox wipe-y things for them, and I stand over them until it is "clean and dry." Nothing else happens until they and whatever else they hit are "clean and dry." I don't even make them sit on the potty chair anymore. I sometimes 'suggest' it, but I'm not demanding it. No more wars over this. They make a mess, they stop and clean it up. I say nothing positive or negative about it, I just make sure they don't go off before it is cleaned. And NO MORE DIAPERS. I will not give in. Right? Tell me not to give in. Cuz, sometimes, when you've cleaned (or, ahem, supervised the cleaning of) your 6th mess today...it is quite tempting.

So, your job is to tell me that this will work and that I will not be standing over my college freshman son as he sits naked and smeared in his own fecal matter on my living room floor. Tell me that this will get better.

I think Naim will be okay as long as I'm consistent with him for long enough that he builds it into his routine. He has done altogether better than Aaron so far. (And I had a big breakthrough with Naim today. He actually sat on the big, real toilet today!!! Of course, I had to contort my body so that I was hunched over behind him "holding" him on the toilet so he wouldn't fall in. But he was pleased with himself and he eventually let me get out from behind him as long as I held both of his hands. This makes it much easier to go places with him without having to tote a potty chair around with us.)

Aaron, well, I keep reminding myself about how long it took him to walk. he didn't walk until about 22 months. And he never wanted to "practice" and he never wanted any praise for it. He finally started walking behind our backs. He would walk when we weren't looking and immediately drop to the ground if we said anything. Finally, he gained enough confidence to fess up and walk in public. So, I'm hoping that if I kind of get very uninvolved about this, except for my boundaries of no diapers and I'm not cleaning up after you, that he will be happy to eventually do it on his own. I'm hoping.

Aaron is a kid who does better the less you interfere with him and demand things of him. He has attitude. And the instinctual thing to do with him is to get all up in his ass about everything when he gives you attitude. But that just makes it worse. The more I look the other way when he doesn't want to come to dinner or go to bed or pick up his toys or pee in the toilet, the more he will comply on his own. He wants to be respected to do the right thing without being told what to do. And I totally get this because that is exactly how I was growing up. I'm trusting my kid! Wouldn't Alfie be proud of me?!?

Some other post that doesn't involve so much talk of pee, I will talk about how as the kids are maturing, I am getting more and more unschool-y and unconditional parent-y. For now, it is just nice to realize (or keep telling myself) that I do have two able-bodied kids that will  be able to take over their own care at some point in the not so distant future. After cleaning up after everybody's ooze and goo, I have to remind myself that hey...these kids can do it for themselves. It may take a little frustratingly messy time, but I just have to get out of caregiver mode and stand back and let them.

Comments

[Lucía Moreno Velo]

Go girl!
Stick to your guns and don't give up.
Hugs
Lucia

[Yondalla]

Can I give comfort?

They are all trained by kindergarten. This is one area benighn neglect works really well. Not quickly, but well.

Or you can work hard at it and make it all happen sooner.

[Mayhem]

We've got very similar issues going on with my 3.5 year old, the stubborn little stinker. (He's literally a stinker, I guess!)

He's doing so well right now, we're crossing our fingers that it lasts.

I know he would decide to be "trained" eventually on his own even if we did nothing, but I'm just so tired of the bum-wiping and carrying extra clothing around, etc.

Good luck! :)

[vmc]

That is exactly the right approach. Never give up! Never surrender!

[shannon]

We are still in potty-optional, regular-diapers mode with Nat. She chooses to pee on the potty 1-5 times a day, averaging 3, probably (she refuses outright to poop in the potty and I'm not pushing it). Weirdly, she did it more consistently when we were traveling last weekend--she peed in big potties in gas stations, rest stops, restaurants, churches, funeral homes and hotels with glee.

I am just hoping that the balance shifts on its own to her wanting to do it more and more and finally just doing it all the time.

You are brave with the no diapers, clean-up-after-yourself plan. I am really impressed. It's so much more work to make them clean and change themselves than just doing it for them. But I think you're 100% correct in your approach.

Go Lisa! Don't back down!

And I haven't read Alfie (just many reviews of him). But I am a big fan of Positive Discipline and I think they are awfully similar.

p.s. The worst of it is all the people who pester me about whether Nat is trained or when she will be trained, etc. There are far too many opinions sailing around out there about when and how to do this. And too many of them are uber judgmental if you do it a different way.

[Sven]

Keep the faith, your strategy will have it's moments, but it will work. Girls are easier (based on my one experience), but boys do get there to!!