Oh, how I love you people who live in my computer. Thanks for all of your suggestions regarding Aaron the Hurricane, and for making me laugh about it all! I think what I really needed was to take a step back and let someone else think about it for a while. There have been no major disasters the last few days. (Well, except for the destruction of a cute little growth chart I had just hung up, and hadn't even written any of the heights on yet. But, it was only a three buck thing, so...whatever.)
I have taken a bit of all of your advice. First, I went baby proofing crazy. I got a gate that is quite large and goes across our kitchen entry way. I can't leave it there because otherwise D could not get past my garage door, but it helps for when I am sleeping. Next, I got these things that make it hard to open our lever door knobs. We put lever door knobs on the house so that D would have an easier time opening the doors, and now of course, like all the things we did to make it easier for D, also makes it easier for toddlers so its biting me in the ass. We have a pantry door that has been a huge problem area. Naim has already figured out the baby proofing thing on that door knob, but he is a little more crafty mechanically speaking than Aaron, so hopefully he won't spill the secret. In any case, it makes it harder and takes longer to open the door, so it may buy me 30 extra seconds when peeing.
Also, the sticky tape suggestion is a good one. I haven't tried it yet, but Aaron always likes to have something in his hands. I did recently give him a small foam cow that is made out of the squishy stuff that those foam stress balls are made out of. He liked that a lot, that is until he decapitated it and amputated its legs (leaving little bits of foam cow gut every where.) Stuff like that horrifies me. I think killing the toy animals will lead to killing the cat and then becoming a wife beater and then graduating to a serial killer. But D just laughs and says that when he was little he wanted to take everything apart and see the inside and figure out how it worked and what it was made out of. So, lets hope it is just his scientific mind at work on his varied experiments.
I have tried giving him things to destroy, but it is something that really has to be supervised and isolated. Leaving him with a "destruction corner" does not bode well. He really doesn't understand the difference between what is okay to destroy and what isn't. It is all so confusing, isn't it? I tell him not to rip the books, but I really don't care if he rips old catalogs and we even rip paper on purpose for certain art projects. Consistent rules are harder than you think when thinking in two year old terms.
I think the advice that really resonated with me and was what I needed to hear was Linda's, who told me that her twin girls either clean up the mess or sit. Well she said it better than that. But I think I have been really lax about that and I am finally getting on the stick, no exceptions. One problem is that Aaron would sit while Naim gladly cleaned everything up, but then I actually started assigning Aaron specific jobs or sections of the room that I don't let Naim touch. So that, and organizing the day a bit better so there is always something exciting around the next turn, if the mess is cleaned up, has helped a lot. My GOD it takes a ton of energy to get that kid going sometimes, though.
I think Alfie Kohn really screwed me up some this year. You may remember that I read his book, Unconditional Parenting, early in the year. (Here is what I blathered about it, then.) It has been reinforced by a family in my church covenant group, who are very pro-alfie. That's fine for them, and I still think he has a lot of good points, but when it comes right down to it, I cannot get on that bandwagon wholeheartedly. At least not as an Alfie "purist." And I think I've felt a bit guilty about that. To me, it is a matter of respect. If I am going to, as Kohn suggests, respect my kids and treat them as I would adults, then I expect the respect in return. Well, not literally. I do understand that 2 year-olds do not have the maturity to show respect the same way as adults. If my little kid hits me, or destroys property or whatever, sure...try to figure out why. See what you can do to support him and understand him. Don't withhold your love or acceptance. But the bottom line is, He is not going to hit me or anyone else. And his is going to know that in no uncertain terms and there will be consequences, just like there would be if he was an adult. (My kids in general don't hit, push or bite, but we did have a bit of a play-kicking problem briefly.) Point being, I still get to have boundaries. I still get to draw the line. I am not these kids' sacrificial servant to be tread upon just because I am the "mother" (cue angel halo music) and I am putting their needs before my own. I have seen people who have kids that are disrespectful to them by hitting, destroying things, whatever, and they go up and give them a hug and try to understand unconditionally why the kid is acting this way. Well, sometimes there is a legitimate underlying reason that needs to be examined. But at two, many times the reason is BECAUSE THEY CAN. You all are right. He destroys things because it is fun. Because he wants to see what will happen. Because it is the bees knees to be able to make your room rain goldfish crackers or picture book confetti. So, as I would not put up with this type of thing with adults (as Kohn says I am supposed to be respecting my kids in like ways) WHY would I accept this from my kid? So, I am not going to drop kick him out of the second story window, and I am not going to stop loving him, but I also am not going to put up with this crap anymore.
So, along with some schedule adjusting and baby proofing, its hard-ass mom who makes her kid help clean every horrid mess before doing anything else is the plan.
All this brings me to a related topic that I have been thinking on for a while. Despite our current challenges, I don't think of Aaron as the "bad twin." I bring this up because it doesn't seem like my father and sister can stop comparing my twins. It is so easy to fall into that pattern with twins especially. I understand Aaron, because in a lot of ways, he is like me. He is extremely independent and knows what he wants. He is very diligent and focused on something he is interested in and hard to pull away. He knows what he wants and he is not happy about being told otherwise. I get Aaron because in many ways, I was him. And I don't want the family dynamic that I had to put up with to happen to them.
Naim is dependable. Naim helps me get through my day sometimes. I can have him do little things for me. Run errands and fetch things for me. When I need to pay the clerk at the store, I know Naim will stay with me, while I have to keep my eye on Aaron so he doesn't run off. Naim is usually fun, while Aaron is moody. Naim is mostly smooth sailing, while Aaron is guaranteed to bump heads with me many times a day. It would be very easy to call Naim "the good twin" and my "favorite." But I recognize that just because Naim is (right now at least) easy to parent, doesn't really mean all that much about who he or Aaron really are. Naim's behavior just happens to be more compatible with my lifestyle right now. This is more of a coincidence that a great virtuous character that Naim has vs. a moral breakdown of Aaron.
I'm going off on this because I don't want them labeled like I was. I was the bad kid. My sister was the good kid. Now, I did get into some minor trouble growing up. I had a truancy problem. My grades were mediocre. I could be slow and distractable when my parents wanted something done. My sister was probably very easy to parent. She studied hard and got good grades. She was never in a lick of trouble. She was the model of efficiency around the house. I can see how her personality was probably more compatible with my mother's. The traits she had lined up with the ones my mother valued. The good traits I had were and still are not valued. And the problems I was having were supposedly just because I was lazy, irresponsible, the bad kid, wrong. I could have used a little Alfie Kohn. I could have used someone to really try to help me examine the underlying causes of my mediocre grades and truancy. (I now see a lot of it having to do with my disability issues that were almost virtually ignored if not denied by my parents. I mean, why show up for math class if no one, for 12 years, cares whether or not you learn or could even see and hear to learn. Easier to call you stupid and lazy.)
Even now, my main title is "the person who can't get up in the morning." Being an early riser is next to godliness in my family. It is the answer to all problems. It is the character trait that shows how hard working and ambitious you are. My circadian rhythms were always off. I was never, and will never be, an early riser. I can do it if I have to, but my natural biorhythms won't get there naturally. It is only by force. In general, I have about 5 times more energy at night than in the first 4 to 5 hours in the morning. And it really doesn't matter when I fall asleep or wake up. Anyway, and I'm just going off on a little peeve right now, I have been lectured this week (and my whole life) about how if I would ONLY get up earlier all my problems would be solved. Aaron wouldn't destroy things, I would be able to exercise more, the angels would sing, and pennies of gold would fall from the sky each morning, if I could only get up earlier.
My kids go to bed at 9:00. What other 2 year olds do that? And the reasons are many. One is due to my work schedule with D and his visitation schedule with us. If the kids are up that late, they get maximum opportunity to be with dad. And the other is because generally they will then sleep till 8 or 9 o'clock. So that means I get maximum use of their in bed hours when my energy is high, and then can get maximum amounts of sleep before they get up. The hours between 9-midnight are the only ONLY hours I have to myself. And that is when I can get things done. Writing, working, extra housework and laundry, whatever. When my dad comes to visit, things sometimes get a bit screwy because he gets up at 6 or 7 and is not at all respectful of the rest of us who are sleeping. I don't hear it because I'm deaf, but the kids do. He turns on the TV loud. He turns on his computer, he is loud in the kitchen and manages to make very burnt smelling toast that fills the house every single morning. He opens the garage door and slams the doors. The kids wake up early, and if they don't come get me, they end up just wandering around the house. (Its not like he is going to watch them or play with them or feed them.) So then I have to get up earlier, and the kids get grumpy earlier and fall asleep during dinner. I don't like it, it makes for rushed and grumpy mornings for us all. When he isn't here, Naim usually comes into my room and gets in bed with me about 8:30. Aaron gets up and comes in but moves out fast and plays around. Yes, this is one of the many destructive periods that I've baby proofed and rearranged for. But after about 15 minutes, Naim and I are ready to get up and then we quietly go downstairs and have breakfast and get dressed and start our day.
It works for us. It doesn't have to work for anyone else. It doesn't really affect anyone else. I used to work flex time from 10-6 and others came in from 7 to 3. Guess what? It worked for me. It didn't really affect anyone else. So after 37 years, you'd think they would be mature enough and a bit less self absorbed enough to understand that it is NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS. I have heard about this my entire life, and most annoyingly since I've had kids. It was always, what are you going to do when the babies wake up early and need to be fed? And what are you going to do when the kids get out of cribs and wake up early? And oh my god, if you didn't sleep so late your life would be so wonderful and all of your problems would be solved. You'd think I had a major heroin habit the way they talk about it.
Anyway, this is just one of many things I have been labeled as over the years. And why I try so hard to reject whatever labeling my family or others do with Naim and Aaron. It can be such a self-fulfilling prophecy. It can keep you from figuring out how to really problem solve a challenge you have in life because you just assume that it is because you are stupid, lazy, bad, wrong, irresponsible, a night owl, worthless, or whatever else they tell you that you can't control, rather that being supported in having the ability to find causes and solutions for problems. How nice it would have been for someone, somewhere, to care enough and sit down with me and have enough faith in me to help me figure out what exactly was going on with me at school and what could be done about it instead of writing me off as stupid and lazy.
I was telling my sister about the 30 year old rule I have. Unless you were significantly abused, you can no longer blame your family for your current flaws after the age of 30. And I really don't. I am me and I have to deal with my own stuff and my parents did the best they knew how to at the time. So this isn't about that. This is about learning from your mistakes. They are off the hook in regards to me. It is water under the bridge and all is forgiven. However, I'll be damned if I'm going to let them do the exact same shit to my kids.
Part of the problem is that they can't change their behavior unless they admit there is something that needs changing. Both D and I have discussed this. Perhaps it is generational. Our parents have done some extremely hurtful things to us. And perhaps they didn't mean to, but they did. And we are supposed to make ammends and apologize profusely for whatever transgressions we have done, but they never, ever will. And what would be so nice, what would make it all so much better, is if they could just admit that, hey, I did the best I could--but what I did there obviously didn't work out the way I wanted it too, and I was wrong and I'm sorry. I will try not to do something like that again. And both of us would be like, OK, wonderful. Thanks so much for caring enough about us above and beyond having to preserve your ego. But it will never happen. D's father, to his credit, is a very good listener and even though I disagree with a lot of his opinions, he does make an effort to see our side of things and will apologize to us (and accept our apologies) when we have had disagreements in the past. But my family and D's mother? We have to accept that it ain't gonna ever happen and just move on.
But when you have kids, where do you draw the line? Where do you say that the behavior your family members are exhibiting are not acceptable to you as a parent? Its not like cut and dry physical abuse. It is just like a large degree of lack of respect. MIL has already taken care of that for us by just ignoring us altogether. (Even though she and D still talk occasionally, he says he just nods while she talks about herself and he doesn't really get in to his life or his family with her.) But my dad is a harder problem. He does some things that are easy for me to ignore because I am used to it and just space it off, but that D finds absolutely disrespectful and abhorant. D is afraid that when the kids get older and understand more and are affected by it more, it is going to cause major problems. He says I am so much more relaxed and happy and a much more fun and better mom during the months when my dad isn't here. And I feel it too, sometimes. How much of this is going to rub off on the kids?
My dad is good with the kids in some ways. I go back and forth between thinking it is great to have an intergenerational household to thinking I'm screwing up their lives with this living arrangement.
Aaron will probably get past this destructive phase in a week or a month or a year. Will my family still be talking about how he wrecks everything when he is 37? Will he, with all of his wonderful qualities, be made to feel like the black sheep? He will probably always be strong-willed, but instead of using that to his advantage, will he always be made to feel like a failure for it? And Naim, who is easy to parent but obsesses over the vacuum cleaner and order and routine (highly valued in my family, but I worry about it making life hard for him to be that inflexible, so I try to curb it while they root it on)--will he become so pressured by the expectation of perfection that he will not take any risks and miss out on all of the vast colorfulness of life? I know I can't shield them from everything and everyone who doesn't respect their humanity in the same way I think they deserve, but how far do I need to go to save them from this which made much of my childhood miserable and took years to move on from? Or am I just worrying over nothing, and my family will not have near the influence over them as the positive roles of D and I and our other friends and their friends that they will meet along the way? Aaron's destructiveness is so easy. Parenting is hard.
I am going to have to change the category on this post because it meandered out of control into the field of cheap therapy and sanity questioning. Sorry, folks. I wrote this in about 40 minutes and that's too fast even for me. I became incoherent somewhere along the 85th paragraph.
Gosh...you just sound like you need a break.Someone to respect your views, to listen to you , give you some much needed free time, etc.I am happily married to an able-bodied man who is a huge help with our three daughters and I don't think I could do it without him.I am going to keep you in my prayers and specifically that you are able to have a more managable life without all of the stressors that you have.Regardless of the choices that we make, our children are so influenced by our enviornment and you sound like you need muscles,a listening ear and a kind heart.
Posted by: kate | November 06, 2007 at 07:16 AM
I feel the anxiety. You want so badly for your children to have the absolute best upbringing you can possibly give them that your head may explode from trying so hard. I can relate. Your difficulties with your family reminded me of a particular problem I have with my mom.
One night, we had her over for dinner and my daughter (who was maybe 3 at the time) looked at her legs. My mom said, "They're fat and ugly, I know." I cringed. And I realized something. I grew up listening to her talk bad about herself. I remember as a child looking at her legs and being disgusted. But now, I think, how could I have been disgusted at such a young age? My own daughter loves my saggy, fat belly. She likes to give me raspberries and has even remarked, "Mommy, I love your belly."
I realized that I can't control the way other people act around her. All I can do is give her a good foundation. Her teacher at school calls herself fat (jokingly) on a daily basis. And it will come from many other sources. It bothers me that women have it so ingrained in their minds that they are deeply flawed if they don't live up to some ridiculous ideal.
I have my own self image issues(who doesn't?). So I am very conscious about making value judgments about myself in front of her. I realize in the end, it's up to her as to how she sees herself and who she becomes.
When we've been hurt by our family growing up, we have a very intense need to protect our kids(compounding our natural instincts)from all possibly negative influences and maybe we become overly skiddish. As parents, we are where their home is, their foundation. And they are resilient and no matter what happens to them outside of our care (assuming we aren't purposely throwing them to a pack of wolves or something), they have a secure, loving parent relationship to come home to.
I hope that wasn't too long...
Posted by: Jamie | November 06, 2007 at 09:53 PM
Delurking after all this time to say, fuck 'em if they don't get it.
Posted by: Mahlax | November 06, 2007 at 10:02 PM
Another lazy night-owl here! I hate that. I sleep considerably less hours than your average early-riser but I am considered a big sloth because I'm in bed at 9 am.
You do sound wiped out, as the first commenter mentioned. I can relate and I have tons of help and had 2 years to prep one kid for a sibling rather than a 2-fer deal like you got.
If I could wave a magic wand and move one blogger next door to me, it would be you (with a big, accessible house that all of you could live in together) and we could trade baby sitting and/or hang out and have tea and plot the revolution while our kids played in a Room Set Aside for the Purpose.
Virtual parentheses hugs to you:
((((((Lisa))))))
(I have NEVER done that for anyone else, dear!)
Posted by: Shannon | November 06, 2007 at 10:17 PM
Hmm, take it from someone who has worked with kids for a very long time and has 5 of her own. Your little boy sounds FRUSTRATED about something. Destroying things is one of the signs. 'Just my two bits worth. I enjoy your blog so much!
Lantana
Lantana's Latitude
Posted by: Lantana | November 11, 2007 at 03:42 PM
De-lurking to say, OH GOD YES. This is a painful topic for our family--my partner's parents disowned him because they didn't approve of our wedding music (!!) (and no, I'm NOT EXAGGERATING--they WALKED OUT OF THE CEREMONY, Jerry-Springer style). They never physically abused him, and, on the surface, they are very high-functioning people. Just fucking nuts. We've tried to reopen the channels of communication a few times since our babies were born, but some ridiculous bullshit head trash from his mother always gets in the way.
Long, long story made into short-ish: we have decided that a) destructive, demeaning behavior is NOT ALLOWED around our kids and b) his parents will, for the foreseeable future, ALWAYS engage in destructive, demeaning behaviors. His parents will not be a part of our children's lives, QED.
Of course, our situation is an extreme. I just wanted to say that I relate, and **thank you** for writing this. Just reading "Where do you say that the behavior your family members are exhibiting are not acceptable to you as a parent? Its not like cut and dry physical abuse. It is just like a large degree of lack of respect." I got all verklempt. So nice that someone else understands, someone else asks themselves the same questions.
Posted by: brianna | November 12, 2007 at 08:52 PM
IMHO, you cannot control what people tell your kids or how they will influence them, but you can be an example and give them a good self-image. Kids can, and your kids will, learn to tell when someone is just being abusive or judgemental. Having such a person as a parent is hard, but if your parents are supportive, other people count much less.
We have some issues in my family of origin, too. It's taken much shouting and a few deaths to make my father respect my choices. Most people in my family are subtly racist and my daugther is mixed race. Well, dealing with this racism is something she needs to learn. When they say something racist I point it to her (she's 3). When they hear me (I do try to be discreet as they have made it very clear that thay do not want to learn), they get mad but I offer no apolagies.
BTW, I work with an artist who gets up at noon and works until late in the night and he is a wonderful professional who is helping my bussiness thrive. It's not convenient for me that I can only call him after noon, but it's not convenient for him to not being able to call after 9pm, too. So, we adapt. End of problem. Your kids sleep enough, are healthy, you are happy. End of problem.
Posted by: Lucía Moreno Velo | November 13, 2007 at 05:25 AM
I wish you could live near your father, but not with him. I know that is not possible right now, but it would make things so much less stressful.
The stuff about decent and successful people get up in the morning is just bullshit, plain and simple. There are a whole lot of people at Microsoft who have done well without getting up early.
I had a dream last night that you had written two books about disability, one scholarly study about discrimination in the 20th century, and a memoir. I woke up and thought, "She'd be really good at that." You know, later, when you have some time.
And, finally, as a parent of a six year old, it does get better. My daughter is capable of non-destructively amusing herself for 30 minutes or more while I cook dinner or sew or whatever. It's bliss.
Posted by: cherylc | November 13, 2007 at 10:17 AM
Breanna,
My goodness! Now you've got me all curious about what the wedding song was! The only thing good about this kind of stuff is that it is good fodder for Crazy In-Law Storytime.
Posted by: Lisa | November 16, 2007 at 11:27 PM