Various Updates on Things...

The Party

The kid party went well. Every one except one person that I invited came. I am a nervous host when people come to my house. I just want people to walk in and plop down on my couch and if they're hungry, go get themselves a snack and if they're thirsty, head for the fridge and get a drink. I love it when things get to that point where people can just make themselves at home and you aren't self conscious about your cooking or your dirty rug or whatever. But I don't like the parts where you have to structure things more when people don't know you well. I wish I could get to point B without having to do point A, but that's the way it goes, so I have been forcing myself to entertain more.

But a kid party is pretty easy and laid back by nature, and it was fun. The first hour or so was a bit nerve-wracking because both my kids decided to be traumatized by the onslaught of kids that descended upon their stuff. So, I was trying to keep track of everything while I had Aaron permanently affixed to my arm, Naim sulking and crying with D and wanting me, and trying to make sure everyone was comfortable. At one point, I had to get food for D, Aaron, and Naim who were demanding to eat and sit in their high chairs, and for about 15 minutes there I had no clue what the other folks were doing. They seemed to just make their way okay, so I was glad. I set up our coffee table for the little kids, but I only had four little chairs. So I just figured that I would hold Aaron on my lap and Naim never sits anyway. But instead, they wanted high chairs across the room. So be it. But I have some cute pictures of the kids eating at the table and my kids aren't even there.

This is a pic of my coffee table with a baby einstein table cloth and hats and balloons on it. It has four little kid chairs around it. I took it early in the morning before anyone came.

Things got a lot more fun, for me anyway, when we all headed out to the back yard. My kids seemed to relax out there. I think they are used to playing with other kids outside, but we really haven't had that many (any?) kids in the house except for a couple of babies who were too young to intimidate them, I guess. All the kids outside playing with the bubbles were really cute, so that was fun. I even got to talk to a few of the adults, which I figured I wouldn't really be able to do with that many people and kids. I tell D that he needs to handle the socializing. I'll just smile and nod and then he can give me a debriefing when its over. Which he did. I found out from him that one of the moms lives just a few blocks from us, so that was cool. I walk by her place probably once a week or so on the way to the store.

So I would post pics but they all have the other kids in them and I don't post other kids without permission and I forgot to ask and I can't mosaic them anyways. I think I like this "half-birthday" thing. I like that I can have it in the summer and be flexible about the date. I like that it takes the pressure and expectation off as far as gifts are concerned. The whole thing cost me around, oh, 75 bucks. Most of that  was food and we had at least a days worth of leftovers for all of us afterwords. If I made more of the food myself, I could even cut the price down even more, but I got store-bought cake and cupcakes. When comparing that to the amount some others spend on birthday parties, I don't think it is so bad. So, it might be a tradition worth keeping.

This is one of the few pics with no other kids in it. It is me sitting on a patio chair with Aaron on my lap. You know? I've lost over thirty pounds on WW but it sure doesn't look it in this picture. But Aaron is cute, though.

UU GA

One of you asked if I got to go to the Unitarian Universalist General Assembly that was held in Portland last week. In a word, No. And D and I are a bit pissed about it.

I love a lot of things about UU's, but they have a knack of making you not feel welcome if your aren't the typical white, educated, middle class, bohemian type. The worse part about that is that they think they do accept everyone and they totally don't and don't even get that they don't.

I have never been to a religious general assembly, so I have no experience and did not know what to expect. But it was in my hometown and what other opportunity was I ever going to have to go? Also, a UU minister woman I was corresponding with and wanted to meet with was there and had a panel discussion I would have liked to heard, along with many others that D and I were interested in, and I lost that opportunity as well.

A list of why we didn't go:

1. The accessibility information was vague (in a 'maybe, sorta, possibly we can kinda provide some accomodations' way) and indicated that you had to pay at least part of your accommodations. D would have been fine as he didn't need a hotel room and the convention center is accessible. I however, would have needed some stuff in order to get anything out of the sessions. I would have needed an amplification system of some kind, a way to read the written materials, possibly help navigating the place, and possibly a need to talk to presenters beforehand to explain the ropes. I could not pay for these, for one. And secondly, I couldn't even request them because the accommodations request form was in pdf and I can't fill out a form like that by myself.
2. Furthermore, in order to get info on what accommodations you might need like knowing which events you want to attend and when, you would have needed to see a program guide before the deadline for accommodations. It was not made available till after the deadline for accommodations AND after the deadline to register for early bird rates.
3. The program guide, when available, was also in badly formed pdf. You can read some pdf with a screen reader, but not a 128 page document that has no tabs or formatting or bookmarks. D even had trouble with it because he uses as little keystrokes as possible on the computer and the thing required a lot of navigating.
4. We had a child care issue, of course. And I was trying to decide if I could get a babysitter and when I could do the most things in the least amount of time. THEN, I find out that they provide childcare (at a cost I am unaware of) but that you had to register your children before this all magic deadline that they set for everything prior to putting out the information in a barely accessible format that told you you had to register prior.
5. Finally, we decided that we would go down for just my friend's presentation and maybe look around the exhibit hall a little. We would take the kids and lots of stuff for them to play with, and D would watch them out in the hall nearby while I went to the presentation. Then, D wanted to go the next day on his own to some other events. Well, we searched and searched for the price of going for a day, thinking it would be around $20-30 or so, and found out it was $115 dollars A DAY. That would have been $230 for both of us to go to one 45 minute presentation and maybe look around at some t-shirts and bumper stickers? And would the kids be free? We didn't even know. It would have taken us an hour to get there on the train and we didn't even know if we could get our kids in...OR if I would be able to hear the presentation. At that price, it was SO not worth it.

Basically, I guess they only wanted rich, able-bodied people with no kids there. They probably didn't do this intentionally, but that is sure how it felt. I don't know what other churches do for General Assemblies or whatever, but this is what I think of when  I think of this:

My father was raised Jehovah's Witness and came from a poor family with seven kids. They still managed a trip to New York for the big JW conferences. How? Because they were FREE. I guess I thought it would be something not quite free, but on the order of not very much money.

Also, I think of one time when D and I went out to a little tiny church in the backwoods of Kansas in God Knows Where County because D had a high school friend who worked there. This church was the size of the Little House on the Prairie Church and had maybe 50 people in attendance. There were several steps up to the front door. This church installed an elevator. They also had large print programs, and informed me that if I needed it they would provide Braille and sign interpreting for free, with only ONE WEEK's advance notice. Okay, you guys know that churches aren't mandated under the ADA to do ANYTHING for the disabled, right? Anything they do is voluntary. This Podunk church could do this and the whole National General Assembly of a upper middle class constituency can't knock out a few accommodations and a decent conference fee? Okay. Whatever.

So we missed it. I missed my buddy's presentation, which ironically was about the "real lives of the disabled" or something like that. I'm just conflicted about UUism. They do some damned good things and have so much potential, but they have a weird thing about disabled, racial minorities, and working class folks. They accept seem to accept us in a way that gives them points for doing charity work for us, but not in a way that includes us as equals. I talked to a UU minister recently about this, and she totally got what I was saying, which was such a relief. She said that the UU's on a national level, are just now starting to admit that they are a bunch of spoilt, rich, overeducated white folks who don't have a clue. The door is opening a crack for some real discourse on this, but they just aren't quite there, yet. Maybe there is some hope, we shall see.

Now don't email me and tell me you are a UU and you aren't a rich, spoilt, overeducated white folk. I realize that that is a gross over-generalization and there are differences among and within congregations. Even within my own little church. I had that awful experience with the minister that made me feel like an alien and told me I shouldn't get my kids dedicated there if I hated the church so much, when ALL I wanted to do was talk about how the church could do a few easy things to give us more access to its services--like remembering to unlock the doors to the accessible entrances and such. Then the next minister totally got me, was more than willing to work on these issues, and could see the problem for herself. Also, this year I have moved from teaching Sunday school to being on the religious education committee. I've only gone to one meeting, but I can already tell that this is a special group. I might have chucked this whole church thing if it wasn't for the RE staff always bending over backwards to help me participate. They make me feel like they want me there and that I am important and that I contribute. And that even though they have to do some probably inconvenient things to help me participate, they feel they are worth it to have me there. So, yes, pockets of real commitment and effort on that first "worth and dignity of every person" principle. But over all problems. I don't know, that might be the way it works in every church.

Naim's Speech

Naim is getting some mad speech and language skillz. I have worked with him and worked with him and at some point during the last couple of months, he has turned a corner. There is still a lot of muddled sentences that I don't understand, and his speech is not near as clear as Aaron's, but he is saying sentences, he is repeating things that I say, he is talking as well as signing. I think he is starting to be more confident with talking. He tells me little stories, he tells me what he wants and what he is doing. He is a language fool. I know that I understand him better than a stranger would and he still has a ways to go to catch up, but the improvement over the last few weeks has been remarkable.

The two main things I did that I think really helped were to use music and to get Aaron away from me for a while. Naim really has a thing for music. He plays imaginary piano, he sings songs and keeps a beat. He can change his pitch and speed if you ask him, too. He hums and sings songs all the time. I really see potential for him to get involved in music in some way later on down the line. Whether it be an instrument or singing or dance or composition or something, I think he is very musical. So we used songs to practice phonemes and to slow down his cadence so that he concentrates more on each sound instead of running them all together. Then we would speed up the song so fast that our words blended together. I think when he saw how I did this, and that if I sang too fast, you couldn't understand me anymore, and then when I sang slow the same song, you could, I think he started to realize that he needs to slow down and concentrate on the sounds he is making.

He might be a bit like me. I have have discovered through observation over the years, that I think at an incredibly fast rate of speed. Well, except for math, then everything slows down to a grinding halt. But I think faster than I can get it out and sometimes that makes my conversation not particularly graceful. People ask me how I can write so much and how long does it take me. Um, not long at all. I cannot type near as fast as I think-write. A long post here might take 45 minutes to an hour. If I bothered to proofread, I would clean it up more than it is and I would probably tack on another half-hour to that. D gets irritated with me because I present a problem to him and find 5 solutions in the time it took me to explain the problem and he doesn't even have time to digest it and make a decision. I'm all the time very impatient with him and am all, "speed it up, kid! Coke or Sprite? HOW LONG CAN IT POSSIBLY TAKE YOU TO CONSIDER THE OPTIONS!!! GEEZ! YOU'RE GETTING COKE!" I am very impatient. But he is very slow to make decisions sometimes.

Anyway, back to Naim. My second thing I have decided to do is to be more assertive with Aaron that I need to spend time with Naim. Aaron is a mom hog. And he wants me all the time. And I feel bad telling him to get lost. But I just had to commit to the reality that I am cheating Naim if I can't say no to Aaron. Naim will rarely "fight for me." If Aaron is hogging me, Naim just goes off and does his own thing. And even when they are together with me, Aaron does all the talking and answers all the questions. So, I had to commit to making Aaron go away and do something else and just set aside time every day to just sit there and talk with Naim about whatever he is doing. This caused major drama for Aaron at first, but he is getting better at accepting it. And now when I ask Naim a question, I'll say, "This question is for NAIM to answer." If Aaron answers it, I ignore and ask Naim again until he answers it. Aaron is starting to get it. He will even say, "Naim answer the question." So, Naim has improved a lot.

Cute Aaron Conversation:

Me: What is your name?

A: I don't know.

Me: You don't know your name? Is it Naim?

A: No

Is it Orion?

No

Is it Julie?

No.

Is it Scrapper?

No.

Is it Aaron?

No.

Your name is NO?

No! No! No!

Well, it's nice to meet you, No! No! No! Do you know what my name is?

Your name is Yes! Yes! Yes!, mama.

Comments

[laura]

I think your kid party looks great! We just had a home-made birthday party at the park for my 3-year-old niece, and the kids had a ball. They had the best time just chasing these huge butterflies all over the park. I love the idea of having half-birthdays, too.

[Gretchen]

$115 a day!! {eyes bug out!} no wonder I have never been to one of those! I am a UU, although not attending any church right now... And you aren't the first person I have read with the same basic complaint about none-inclusiveness. I could write a whole lot more, but untill I join a church again I suppose there isn't much point.

The party looks really fun, and I think a half-birthday party is a good idea. And I agree, there is absolutly no reason to spend a fortune on a kids party (or any other party).

[cherylc]

The whole GA thing really bugs me. You hit the whole UU church inclusiveness thing right on, and it's been that way since I was a kid. When I mentioned your experience to one woman at the church I've been going to, she said maybe you were just fussy. She immediately started to backtrack when she saw my face. It was hard, because I want to like this woman, who's daughter my daughter likes.

I think it's a wider societal issue. People want to be inclusive but they haven't examined their own privelige. It's irritating.

I absolutely think you should make these exact concerns known to the GA committee or whatever it is called. And my church is small, so if we have accessibility issues I'm going to make a big fuss.

[That Girl]

Im a godless athiest so I shall refrain from comment. You are more than welcome at my house any time. I would like nothing better than to know you well enough that you rummage thru my fridge.
It's the first picture I think Ive seen of you and wow, you are beautiful. Congrats on the weight stuff - it's so hard.