No, we did not go trick-or-treating. When I tell people that, they either act like that's obvious, like of course you don't take two one-year-olds trick or treating in 40 degree weather--or they act a bit dumbfounded, like, "You DIDN'T take your kids TRICK-or-TREATing?" they squeak.
I was not about to take two toddlers out on a cold, dark night by myself. Also, since D's latest hospital stay, I've had to be really careful about money, and so I didn't want to fork out the dough for Halloween costumes anyway. Hey, I need to take advantage of these years when they don't know any better. I did scope out two parties for next year (the age limit was two years old) that look fun. One is at the Children's Museum of which I am a member, and the other is at my gym child care. So, that is definitely on the agenda for next year, which means I will probably break down and get them costumes as well. But we'll see about trick-or-treating next year. That might wait until they actually know what it is enough to ask for it.
But I wasn't totally a Halloween scrooge. I did give up a whole $5 for the holiday. I bought pumpkins for the kids and some candy for trick-or-treaters. The pumpkins went over really well. Even my dad (who is here for a short visit) got into it which surprised me. My dad and I carved them and then we let the kids paint them. Aren't they lovely?
I thought the kids would enjoy the trick-or-treaters more, but they were kind of whiny all night. It was mostly because I did something stupid. I gave them each some candy out of the big candy bowl at the beginning of the night. Then, every time the doorbell rang and I gave the other kids candy out of the bowl, my kids whined and wanted some. If I would have given them candy per every doorbell ring, lets just say I would have diaper changing horror stories to tell, I'm sure. Not going to happen! My kids rarely ever get candy, because when they do, they act bananas over it. They were begging me like miniature crackheads all night for their next fix. "Can-DEEE!!! can-DEE!!! can-DEE!!!" They were driving their index finger into their cheek (sign for candy) with such indignance I thought it might come out the other side. If I had any brains, I would have not given them any until the end of the night. They would have been none the wiser about why I was taking a big bowl to the door all night. But I obviously wasn't using an iota of the useless knowledge I wrote about in the previous post.
So, I'm trying to become more festive for these holiday type things and find some new traditions that will work for us. I come from an almost tradition-less family. We did do holidays a bit more when I was younger but by middle school almost no effort was put forth for the holidays. I don't need a huge Griswold Christmas by any means, but I'd like to come up with some unique and comforting traditions that will work for us.
Their birthday is in December as well. They are going to be TWO!! Last year, I invited about 15 people to a party for them. It was really all the people who helped us out that first year, more as a thank you to them for helping us get through the year than a birthday party. It turned out that everyone except a couple of people had other Christmas commitments on that day. It ended up being kind of a week long thing, because many people who couldn't come that day came for a visit on another day that week. This was nice and fun to have a week's worth of birthday visiters, but it kind of defeats the purpose of the concept of a "party." And then of course only D's father came from the in-law clan. I didn't expect MIL and SIL/BIL to show, but I invited them anyway because they did help a bit in the beginning and it seemed like I would be contributing to the low road way of handling things if I purposely didn't invite them. So I invited them knowing they probably wouldn't show. It didn't really bother me either way.
But I don't want to plan a very-close-to-Christmas B-day party again this year because it was too stressful getting that together only to have everyone sort of going different directions that week anyway. And then having to deal with Christmas as well. What I would really like to do, to start a tradition of doing is this: (Tell me if you think this is weird?) I'd like to just do a special family thing for them on their actual birthday. And not even get them presents (or maybe just something small) because they are just going to get more presents at Christmas. Like maybe take them out to somewhere special of their choosing, have a special dinner and cake. Or have a special Aaron day with mom and Naim day with dad, then switch the next day, so they each get some special birthday time. They are together so much and share so much as it is. Then, I would like to pick another day some other time of the year to have more of a traditional birthday party for them. Like I was thinking April 15 (That day is special for D and I if no one else because it is 'conception day' though I don't think we'd be advertising that fact.) Or sometime in June. My birthday is exactly six months from Christmas, so I always had my Christmas present haul and my birthday haul evenly spaced out, which I always thought was kind of neat. We could have a half-birthday party for the boys where they could invite friends and relatives or whoever. This December birthday thing just kind of sucks. Not only do they have to share a birthday with each other, they have to share it with Christmas and holidays as well. It just stresses me out. If I would have actually thought I would actually get pg, I would have planned this better! But I don't know how people will respond to my two birthday idea. So, I may try it this year and see how it goes.
Thanksgiving and Christmas will be interesting this year for D. I don't know if his family understands how much stress they put him under. It's really no skin off my back to not be invited to stuff, but he is put in the position of having to choose where to be, with this family or that family. My deal is this: I have no problem with him spending time with his family. I'm not one of those people whose all "Why do you want to spend time with them and what did they say about me?" I could care less. It's just that it is weird that he is NOT here with us sometimes. Before his mom decided that I was Satan's Spawn, we usually spent at least part of the holidays with his family. Then the first year she started hating me, I was on bed rest for Thanksgiving and the kid's were only a few days old at Christmas so I couldn't go anyway. If I recall correctly, D went over briefly and came back for both holidays. Last year, D's sister invited us down to California for Thanksgiving, so that took the pressure off that holiday. We had a very nice time down there.
Then there was Christmas last year and although not technically the kid's first Christmas, it felt like it was. It was important to me. The plan was that D and I and the kids would go to the Christmas eve church service, then I would come home and he would go to his family's house. Then he would spend Christmas day with us. I was fine with this plan in theory, but it was a bit awkward in action. When D dropped us off from Church, I went in and spent the whole night with a crying, hysterical Naim. I don't know what his deal was, just that he was tired and overstimulated or something, but he was inconsolable for about an hour and a half. I was literally on the kitchen floor with him because he didn't want to be picked up, didn't want to move, didn't want anything. We dealt with it and he finally calmed down, but it was kind of just a very lonely feeling. It would have been nice to have D there to help out, or at least to just sit with and relax with to decompress after it was over and they had gone to bed. But I wasn't mad at him, I had agreed that he could go over to his family's house that night. It was just weird. Then, the next day, he didn't get his butt over here until after 3:00 pm. Because he was out late. I think his dad stopped by and he wasn't even here yet. You KNOW that isn't going to fly when the kids are old enough to want to open their presents first thing in the morning. So we were waiting all day for him. He said he was going to come over at ten, but it was too much for him and he needed to recuperate the next morning. Well, on top of that, he just complained about going over to his family's the whole time anyway, because he said it was so totally awkward and weird that it wasn't even enjoyable anyway. He says no one ever asks about us or barely acknowledges our existence. He said there wasn't just one elephant in the room, it was like he was being trampled by a whole herd of them. It's his deal, but it leaves me asking, what is the point? Why stress yourself out about it and over-exert yourself for it?
So, again, I'm not going to tell him to not see them. It has to be up to him. He's basically been avoiding it. All I've said to him about the whole issue is that he needs to think about that one day in the not too distant future, the kids are going to want to know what in the world is this thing called a grandma? I will tell them about my mother and about how she is in Heaven but how much I think she would have loved them, and who knows? Maybe she does somehow know about them and does. Then, I'm going to defer them to D and he will have to tell them about their other grandma. I'm not the one to explain her to them. So, I've told D that he needs to think about how he wants to deal with that.
So now he has come up with this plan that he wants to be with us for the holidays no matter what. He wants to tell them that if they want to see him he either comes with his family or he doesn't come at all. He asked me whether I would be willing to go if they said we could all come. And in my head I privately whine, "Ah shit, don't go and get me invited D! Do I have to? Grumble grumble grumble." But I said that yes, I'd be willing to go, and not only that...I offered to limit my entire scope of conversation to quiet pleasantries and compliments on food and decor and not mention Iraq, the military, Fox News and CNN, politics, social justice issues, the patriarchy, the family's streak of bigotry, and all the other cynivomit that involuntarily shoots out of my mouth in their presence that makes me an especially fun dinner guest. In other words, I'm sure I will have to heavily medicate myself. Just kidding-- I can do it. I'll do it for the kids, because they need to see that example, and because it is not my place to prohibit them from having contact with their relatives if they choose to. And they are not going to know whether to choose to or not if they don't have a chance to be exposed to them. If necessary, I can do it the way that my mom dealt with some of my crazy relatives. She would kind of have a debriefing afterwards where she would go over some of the less savory things we might have heard and talk us through them. (i.e. I know you heard your uncle X say that your uncle Y is a [racial expletive]. You know that we don't use those words because they are unfair and hurtful.) Oh, family fun!
But that is only if we get invited, and at this point I think the chances are very low. So, I"m kind of thinking we will be doing a nice, quiet Thanksgiving and Christmas here at the little homestead. Which I think sounds quite nice actually. I'm trying to get my sister to send me some of my mom's Christmas ornaments, and will be thinking about some new family traditions for us to try.
What are your special family holiday traditions? Care to share? I need ideas and inspiration.
Hubby and I are still negotiating what traditions we will have. But here is one I remember from my childhood: Christmas tree would go up, and presents would go under as they arrived and/or got wrapped. But the stockings go filled by Santa over night. And the stocking always included and apple and orange (or 2 apples for my allergic brother) and a box of animal crackers. That way we would have something other than candy before breakfast...
To this day, a box of animal crackers = christmas. :-)
Posted by: Gretchen | November 03, 2006 at 05:24 AM
How about celebrating a 'HALF-BIRTHDAY' - which is 6 months after the actual birthday? I know someone who does that because her kids' B'Days fall on a holiday - at which time there is a cake and that's about it - the 1/2 Day is a PARTY with fun and all things great. Just a thought.
Posted by: Susan | November 03, 2006 at 11:57 AM
i know all about the june half-birthday thing. my birthday is always smack in the middle of winter break (new year's eve EVE), and no one is ever in town to celebrate with.
one year when i was a kid we had my b-day party around valentine's day instead.
and, for me, my half-birthday is extra special, because it's also my approximate conception date. (i was 3 months early!).
this year is my golden birthday - 30 on the 30th, but i dunno who will be around to celebrate with. i suppose i could schedule the party for the 30th of any month. hee hee.
Posted by: marisa | November 03, 2006 at 05:37 PM
A couple of ideas (the internet specializes in a**vice right?) in regards both holidays.
I think with birthdays you are going to have to have one gift at least because other kids will always ask what they got. Even adults seem to do that for some reason. So maybe a very special gift for that day and a little pile of gifts on their merry unbirthday.
You could make a tradition of having a Birthday scrapbook for each boy. It would be about that year's achievements and happy events for each guy.
It would involve a lot of work because you will have forgotten to keep them up (if you are anything like me) and have to spend some evenings getting them ready.
On the day you could trace hands and feet for their books and go over each one's special times. Then a few days before the day you could have let one child pick the lunch menu and the other the dinner menu or one choose the dinner menu and the other choose the birthday movie choice. (Yay Netflix!)
For Christmas, I think for anyone to be included they have to be there the night before and waken with the kids. So, maybe D could spend Christmas afternoon with his family. We also had the tradition that since stockings appeared only that night and were filled by Santa they were hung on the door and you could start going through your stocking at first light but not sneak out to the tree till everyone was up and had warm drinks in them. Stockings were tiny toys and puzzles and comics with no candy.
For my daughter we were at my mom's for her first few Christmas times. They had mountains of decorations. She really wanted to help put them up which was not going to work. I pulled out an elf figurine and explained that I just got the decorations out and the elf did the decorating while we slept. Every day for about a week and a half she would run each morning to find out what the elf had done. He would have made a nativity scene or a decorated table. He was the one who set up the Christmas card display etc. She would search for him and he would be sitting by his decorating project. His best job was after the glut of Christmas day when all the packages were open and the let down came that it was all over until next year. The morning after Christmas the elf would have left a last parting gift in her room and be sitting by that. Totally the best tradition for defusing a lot of the roller coaster of Christmas time.
The easiest way to handle Christmas for me is to make it all about the children. Then, whatever the family situations are, they have to fit around the plans for the kids.
Posted by: Gillian | November 04, 2006 at 11:24 AM
Growing up, there was a rule in my house that on Christmas morning you were not allowed to leave your room until everyone was ready. You knew that the "no leaving your room w/o mom and dad" time had come by a special santa night light that appeared next to my bed (I am sure it was from Walmart or the like and was very inexpensive). I was told that Eric the Elf left it for me. Christmas night (after all the presents and everything) Eric the elf would return and take the night light back, leaving a small present in its' place. It helped with the let down of christmas- and as a kid you knew that you had a special christmas elf who looked out for you. My parents never threatened me with Santa seeing my good/bad behavior but with Eric- also, on occasion when my parents saw me do something really good (actually clean my own room without being told, etc) I would get a short note from Eric letting me know he saw and would tell santa. I plan on following this plan with my own kids soon, but I just have to change the elf's name!
Posted by: Erin Alanna | November 05, 2006 at 08:59 AM
I totally support the 'wait until they are old enough to want it' approach to bdays and holidays. My boys are 3 1/2 years old and so far we have not had a bday party for them. And when we do start having a party (still debating whether we will do that next year or wait until they are 5), I really want to do something that downplays the gifts and candy/sugar aspect of the day! A friend recently sent me this link - http://www.kiplinger.com/columns/drt/archive/2006/dt060628.html - which had some interesting ideas on this matter. For xmas this year - we are finally planning on going all out with the tree and decorations - but not the gifts!!! Call me a scrooge - but there's alot more to the holiday than getting more toys. Whenever folks ask me what they want - i tell them they have more than enough already - i even encourage the grandparents to just put money in the college fund instead.
Posted by: Annette | November 05, 2006 at 01:32 PM