The Butterfly Effect

You know when you watch "A Baby Story" and the mom pushed that baby out and then cries in happy euphoria at the joy of the miracle of her having a child? Well, that happened to me, too, but not so much at the birth. I think it has to do with being very extremely over-drugged at my Cesarean. I mean it was special and all that, and I'll never forget hearing Naim cry for the first time. (Oh. My. God. There actually really was a baby in there. And another one? There were really two? What in God's name am I going to do now?) But the first three or so months were really a blur of just getting from one second to the next. I was over-drugged with glaucoma medication and over-sleep deprived and over surgeried and over-blind and overstressed. I did literally struggle to get from moment to moment, hour to hour, feeding to feeding.

But slowly the fog lifted and I recovered from surgeries and got off the glaucoma meds and the kids got on a schedule of sleeping four hours at a shot through the night most nights. One night, when I was with them at a 2:00 am feeding and had just put them back down to sleep, it hit me. I did it! I made a dream come true. I actually had these wonderful children! I literally dropped to my knees and cried in joy and thanked God and my mom and D for encouraging me and Sergei's sperm for swimming in the right direction and my overies for actually deciding to ovulate for once and my kidneys for behaving and whatever else out there who might have made this happen for me in the cosmos that I had these kids. If I got nothing else in life, I got this one thing I wanted, to be a mom. And it was all worth it.

And the physical fog that had dragged me down for the last few months cleared and ever since then, not a day goes by when I don't marvel at how lucky I am. I don't know if every parent feels this way, but I know those of you who've dealt with infertility know what I mean. When you deal with infertility and you obsess over the exact string of random events that has to work out in order to concieve a child, you wonder how it ever happens to anyone ever. It seems easier to win the lottery. Even though I was relatively lucky at getting pregnant compared to some others, I dealt with health issues and PCOS and D's infertility issues for years. I remember a particular time when I came home from the gyn and had been told some bad news in a string of bad news about my inner workings and I just pressed my head against the cold glass on the train trying to be inconspicuous in my grief. I knew that adoption was going to be next to impossible for me, and now I had fertility problems to boot. It was the first time when I thought...this may never, ever happen. This could be it. My life. Just going along as a single person who works and comes home from work and deals with employment discrimination issues that force me to fight for every job I have tooth and nail Every. Goddamned. Fucking. Day.

The thing about parenting is that it is the first "job" I have been able to excel at with no one holding me back. No one says, No, you can't do that, it isn't safe so you can't even try. No one says, Oh, because you made one little mistake today, it must be disability related so we are going to take you off the whole job. No one says, It just wouldn't look right to have a vision/hearing impaired person in this position so we can't give you the job. Well, actually, many people probably say these things behind my back. But thanks to some pretty strong parenting laws that favor biological parents, it makes it considerably tougher for me to get fired from this job.

And may I just say that I am really good at this parenting thing. Jeez, I'm so grateful for the billions of years I spent in school learning child development and psychology and positive behavior supports and augmentative communication strategies... I use that stuff every single day. If I never work in the field again it will have been worth it. I have never been more confident and sure of what to do in any other job I've ever had. Not that I'm perfect by any means nor do I always know the answer, but I know how to get to the answer. Fatigue and stress are my worst enemy, but when they are under control, I am so on top of everything. I know how to look at my kid's individual needs and assess their changing needs day by day as I go along and make modifications. Every day I am doing a piece of what I always wanted to do for a career but was always held back from. And on top of that, I'm loving the kids to death while guiding them into their futures. I get to watch them from the beginning and continuously each day as they blossom into whoever they will become.

I got on this string of thought today when I took the kids to the park. It was a cool but sunny day and they are getting so independent at the park. They have learned their boundaries pretty well. They are pretty independent on the climbing and sliding equipment now. And they are confident enough with themselves to enjoy the freedom of the park. By understanding the boundaries finally, they finally are secure enough to enjoy the freedom to be able to run around and hide behind trees and play with rocks and fall in the grass and pick themselves back up and chase each other. They play with each other now and play with the park itself instead of having to have me at their sides encouraging them every step of the way.

So I was just wandering around following them at a small distance while they chased each other through the trees and giggled at their own made up games with their own made up rules. They reminded me of when I was pregnant, I always had that song, "Dog and Butterfly" in my head. I would feel them inside of me fluttering around, and I would call them Dog and Butterfly. Naim was the Dog, Aaron the Butterfly. I don't know why, but that's just how it made sense in my head. The air was crisp and the sky was clear and I watched them and it hit me again like it does every now and again. "I'm living a dream." I whispered to myself. This is the dream. My life is not everyone's dream, but I fulfilled mine.

Even though by U.S. standards I am an "at risk" statistic: near poverty level, single, underemployed, disabled, I know that is bullshit. Since I was a little kid, I always evaluated things by more of a world view rather than U.S. standards. By world standards I am in the upper probably 5% socioeconomic level. Most of the population of the world with my disability might either be dead, in an institution, or begging on the streets for scraps. Even without considering disability, most moms in the world live in by far worse and less stable conditions than I do. For the past 6 years I have had pen pals through Women for Women International. Women from war torn areas of the world are given skills training and cash assistance to get their lives on track. They furnish us with interpreter service for a year of penpal corrospondance. I had a few pen pals from the Balkans and now I have a woman from Rwanda. They tell me of their fears of war and violence as I look up at a clear blue sky with almost no worries that a bomb will fall on my head. They tell me of living in overcrowded refugee tents with several children and extended families while I have always had at least a small apartment to live in. They tell me how my $25 dollars a month will buy them food and possibly schooling for their children, while my children have a constant abundance of food waiting in the refrigerator and tons of books throughout the house. They make me little crafts they have learned as a trade. I have a collection of little lace doilies and knit mittens, whatever small thing they can fit in the mail to show me how they are trying to earn their living while I have computer skills, literacy, CNA training, teaching certifications and degrees up the ass that I had the luxury of earning in my sweet time. I don't mean to discount the poor in America, but even the poorest here are ahead of most of the world.

So, even though I don't have a 401K, and I am not a homeowner, and I struggle to pay my health insurance premiums each month, at least I can take my sick child to the emergency room and health care will be available. It is why I find the criticisms I have received for having children to be quite hilarious. It must be such a luxury, or perhaps such a sad statement on their own lives that people actually take the energy to put me and people like me down. Good women, good moms who give their children so much more than the newest Tickle Me Elmo doll has to offer. The women who write to me think I am a rich American, and marvel in disbelief when I explain to them that by American standards I am poor and that I do struggle from month to month to get by. I always think that for them, me talking about getting by must sound like how it sounds for me when someone complains that they maxed out their credit card on $600 shoes.

I grew up, like we all probably did, in a very consumerist, materialistic culture. I worry about my father and sister and their worship of money and material things over people and values and how that will affect the kids. I want them to work hard and contribute to society and find their best niche to do that. I hope that they are never in a situation like I have been where they have to depend on the social services system, because no one...NO ONE gets into the system and stays there because it is an easier life than making your own way. It is a hard way to live, a sticky trap in which to fall. I truly believe that the vast majority of people do not get trapped in the system out of laziness or lack of motivation. There is absolutely no incentive to be here. None. When people are in that gray area of disability and come to me and ask if I think they should apply for benefits, I say, try the hell as hard as you can not to. And if you have to visit disability social services, try to figure out your life and get out as quickly as possible. No one wants to live here.

But as usual, I've gone off on another rant more suitable for another day. I was just thinking today when I watched my kids run around in the park, that this is exactly where I am supposed to be right now doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. I worked on my career only semi-successfully for over 15 years. I remember telling a counselor once that I have done what was expected of me, followed all the rules, and I've gotten barely any return on my investment. I could have the credentials and experience of 78 professors in my field and have an impeccable record and people are still going to hold me back and waste my potential and not want to give the disabled person accommodations or a chance to prove herself. I remember she told me to throw out the rulebook and just go after whatever it is that I wanted using whatever rules worked for me. I wanted to have a stable place to live, have stable access to food and health care, and I wanted to be a mom. That's it. Those were my top three things I wanted. (I actually still do want the career, and I even have a dream career of combining social justice work with writing in some way to make a living, and I suspect I will get to that some day. There is a time for everything,but not everything at once. This is the time for me to be a parent.) As soon as I threw out society's rulebook that said I had to PASS as nondisabled and have a career and a 401K and a husband who can provide for me and a house in the suburbs before I could be a good parent, I got what I wanted. Without the husband, without the great career and expendable income. Without the house in the suburbs (although I'm "borrowing" one now). My kids have what they need and always will. They will know how to live on less and have perspective on how much they really have compared to most of the other children in the world and how lucky they are. They live in abundance and they will come to know that. They live in a family with members of an oppressed underclass, and although that sucks on the outset, I find it preferable than the alternative. Minority members can more easily move between the mainstream and other minority cultures, they understand and value diversity, they can recognize oppression and see right through it. They can more easily avoid the pitfalls of forced consumerism and materialism dressed as patriotism and success and instead understand what true success is. They can more easily understand and take on the social justice work that needs to be done to help change the world for the better.

Now, my dream would be that they would share a little of my revulsion of some of the classist material driven aspects of our society, but I fully expect that my guys will completely disregard anything I ever teach them about the failure of capitalism and consumerism and the need for social justice. There will be a time when they will tell me to fuck off and go off with my father and his iPOD and big screen TV and fancy SUV and look at the latest and greatest electronic gizmo constantly live from big purchase to big purchase trying to find happiness. But if I do my job right, hopefully they will take a little piece of what they learned from me and spread their wings just a bit and fly with it, if just for a moment. And if I can give them that, then maybe that is the way I'm supposed to spread my wings and leave something good for this world. I just can't even adequately put into words how grateful and lucky I am that I have that chance and the chance to love these small people.

And if lightning can possibly strike twice, maybe I will be able to parent again someday...I still feel, every day, like there is a child out there waiting for me. Possibly in foster care, possibly disabled, possibly an older child. She may choose us as much as we choose her. Baggage and Cluttergirl are my heroes here and I learn so much from them and all the other friends I have met who have taught me so much about adoption. I almost thing I was supposed to be denied before and wait till I had learned what I was supposed to from all of you. I know I can't live with my father if I do it, I could not subject a child out of foster care to my father's insensitivities. So, that is the biggie and the major catch-22 I'm in right now that I as yet don't know if I'll be able to get out of. But when I see my boys playing in the park, I almost see a shadow of her playing with them. It is like despite our happy family, there is still a piece that needs to belong here. But I figure if I just spread my wings and start trying to fly in that direction, that is better than turning my back on the shadow and listening to the critics who say it's not possible. That is pretty much how I was given these kids. I just started flying in that direction and hoped that somehow one day, I would find my way to them. And I did.

Edited to add: On this line of thought, I just got asked by a certain one-footed hospitalized geektactular dork what all this has to do with the Butterfly Effect. The Butterfly Effect is a mathmatical componant of Chaos Theory that states that microscopic variations can cause change on a massive scale. A butterfly flapping its wings in Argentina can cause or break up a tornado in Sweden, so the theory goes. Well, since I was not proving a mathmatical theorum but rather, ahem, using a literary METAPHOR!!! I just meant that I may not make a million dollars or earn a Nobel Prize in life, nor may my kids grow up to be president or whatever your definition of big success is, but if I can raise good kids into good adults, you never know if that will ripple out in indefinate ways and by raising children I could have a hand in world peace or some such positive outcome. Who knows? I'm just one wee person doing little wee things all day. But, I thought of this when my children were running and waving their arms through the park. Who knows where the soundwaves of their laughter and the winds of their energy will end up? The more good stuff we can create, the more chance of good things happening in the world.
Yes, I know that is not exactly how the mathmatical theory goes, D. I'm not trying to get into MIT here, okay? [nerd]

Comments

[Baggage]

Thank you for the compliment and thanks for the link to the women for women thing. Going to check it out.

[ladybug]

lisa,

if i lived near you, i would come knock on your door tomorrow morning, bring you bagels and coffee and give you and HUUUUGE Thank You HUG!

i am not feeling well tonight. but i wanted to write and thank you for writing this... for reminding me that dreams DO come true. and i needed so much to hear that tonight, but even moreso i needed to *see* it tonight. in the example of you and your sweet boys.

i cant thank you enough.

much love,
ladybug
(future-RN, future-MOM)

[Ryn Tales]

Lisa,

Thanks so much for writing this. I know what you mean about seeing a shadow of her and feeling that things are not complete. We have been having a tough time completing our family and it has been a really hard week finding out that things are not quite the usual or maybe even possible in terms of my fertility. But I often perceive that another child is there to play with and love my dear Ellie. Your post tonight came just when I needed to have faith in my dream of a sibling for her an another child to raise. You are a great writer and it sucks that your disability is such a discriminating factor against you. As a mother of a Ellie, my child with severe moter disabilities because of cp but high cognitive functioning, it makes me crazy when I read your experiences. And knowing her and so many other children with disabilities but with so, so much to offer the world it just kills me that people are so ignorant and lazy. It makes me want to fight. Not that I don't fight every day for everything she gets. But keep writing and dreaming and being a spectacular mom. Thanks so much for your posts - especially tonight. You are my hero! And I am getting back a glimmer of hope.

[Gretchen]

"not a day goes by when I don't marvel at how lucky I am"

So very true, and I didn't have fertility problems, but I am still amazed that my daughter is here, her own person, and a great joy to me.

[shannon]

I totally got the butterfly thing. But then, I'm all about the literary metaphors.

Meanwhile, I'm glad you appreciate what a fabulous mother you are, in spite of your many detractors. Because those kids are so lucky you're their mom!