I think I must've really screwed up somehow with the UU church. At least with the minister. I wrote him an email requesting a meeting to discuss my concerns back in February and never got a reply. Figured the email must have gotten lost some way, so wrote another one a couple of days ago. I SWEAR on my mother's GRAVE, that I was (I tried?) to be polite, upbeat and positive when I explained my concerns. I probably should have just asked for a meeting and took it from there. But I got the oddest response today. He said he was stunned and surprised by my anger towards the church and questioned why I wanted to dedicate my children in the church if I resented the church so much? (Dedication is sort of like a Christening, the kids are slated to be dedicated in May.)
Hey, if I only let my kids participate in things where everything was equitable and everyone was hip on disability/minority issues, well then my kids would never leave the house. Hell, I couldn't even expose them to me. I don't know everything there is to know, either. I believe in the principles of the church and want to teach my children to strive for those principles. It's just like every other church, though. You try to live your faith through your actions whether it is seven principles or following the teachings of Jesus or whatever. No one actually does it perfectly. It is the striving for that is important. So, I believe in the church and the striving, even though I see that they are not following all the principles perfectly. Who can?
I don't think I resent the church. And I wouldn't say I'm angry. Annoyed, maybe. But angry, no. Because this is what I live with every day in the world, it is no different in the church, so no need to get angry about it. Just thought it could be improved. I know I never said I was angry or resentful. It is more of a thing where I'd like to see acknowledgment and improvement in minority issue areas. The reason I'm pursuing this at all in the UU church is because I know it is important to them and I know they try to be savvy to it. I'm just trying to help them (and in turn, help myself) hit the mark a bit better.
Here's a thing I have noticed since I've been trying to make connections outside of the disability community. First of all, to explain that sentence, I'm a person who grew up with a disability. My friends in school were special ed. Then I went to rehab where I was with blind people all day long. Then I went to college where I was shoved in the Disability Services Office to do all of my tests and computer work. More disabled friends. In college, I couldn't find part-time work until I stumbled on this concept of disabled kids needing daycare. Then, the college completely rejected my bid to go into regular elementary ed but supported my going into special ed. More disabled people. Then, after I couldn't find work when I graduated. The KU department of special education practically begged me to go to grad school there. (Because they needed to recruit disabled people). So, more disability community. KU also housed me in the basement of a building that was where they had the accessible apartments. Me, D, and two other disabled people lived in the basement together. Then, I applied for a teaching assessment job at the Medical School here. They didn't want me for that, but they did want me for this other research position in a department filled with and researched about....disabled people. Hell, even when we go to concerts or sporting events, we sit in disabled seating and meet....more disabled people. Even when disabled strangers walk down the street, you nearly always stop to talk or at least give "the nod."
So, you see...I have been part voluntarily and part because of segregation in the disability community all my life. It wasn't until I lost my job, moved to the WEST side (read white suburbia) and had kids (read isolated from former social life with disabled people) that I've really had to try to make connections in the nondisabled world. It's not like I never had nondisabled friends. I did/do. But they are disability community friendlies. They are connected to the community in some way. So, I freely admit that I need to be more diverse. I need to meet me some white, heterosexual, able bodied types. I need to meet more diverse people myself.
I want to do it for the kids, too. So far, they are white, possibly heterosexual, possibly nondisabled males. They need to hang around people with disabilities, but they also need to be able to deal with the outside world. So that is what I've been working on. But, Gawd, I totally suck at this. The cultures seem so different to me sometimes, even though I know there is a lot of things we could find common ground on. Was I always this bad? Or is this a new thing? Was I just always sheltered? Or are people just worse now? You think after you work in advocacy capacities for years of your life that some of what you did will get out into mainstream common knowledge. But, man, I didn't know how much it just sorta hasn't.
I live smack dab in the middle of two huge opportunities for socialization with the "white guys" for short. One is my gym. The other is my church. Both have all kinds of social opportunities that I try in vain to participate in. Everyone is friendly and most people seem to like me. We become great acquaintances. Then, they learn more of my story and I become a novelty. Cocktail party fodder. They go around telling everyone, and me how amazing I am. How inspirational. Or they go around and tell everyone how sorry for me they feel. Well, that's all nice, but it gets me no where. Why? Because hardly anyone wants to become friends with someone they don't feel equal too, who isn't in their peer group, that they can't identify with. And I'm not that person for these people. I think I used to be better at putting people at ease about all this, but lately maybe I've been lazy or just tired of having it be my job to make everyone feel comfortable with their own issues about me. Maybe I've been too isolated lately and lost my knack for it. I don't know.
There are other cultural differences that I am just starting to be more aware of. Disabled people have "Don't sweat the small stuff" down to a science. Nondisabled people (and you all know I'm generalizing here) can sometimes get threatened when the stuff that bothers them does not even phase a disabled person. A woman is afraid to go downtown alone, while a deaf blind woman does it everyday for work. Woman A doesn't feel like she can talk about her fear to the disabled woman. She feels like it is small and silly for her to worry about such things when the disabled woman HAS to do these things. How can I complain about my hangnail in front of a quadriplegic amputee. That's no fun to feel like all my concerns are frivolous. Disabled people are so used to the differences in concerns, that they just go along with it. Doesn't bother us if you talk about your hangnail. Hey, we get hangnails, too, you know? We are used to their concerns, but they are uncomfortable with ours.
Also, disabled people are used to a LOT of public criticism/discussion about themselves. Many disabled people grew up surrounded by professionals in the medical field or social work field. We are used to being told ad nauseam about our weaknesses and faults. We recognize them and brush it off. People see our weaknesses everyday. We can't hide them under some slick facade. So, and here is where I blew it with the minister, we will be pretty straight up with someone when we see a fault in them, thinking they are as used to it as we are. But they are not. Many nondisabled people are not used to being publicly, or even privately but directly criticized or called upon to be held accountable. I have to be held accountable and prove myself ten times better than everyone else even to just go about my daily business sometimes. (Can you go to the store? I don't think you should. Do you think that's wise?...)I seem to be inadvertantly offending some nondisabled people because they seem to have a fragility about them that I'm not used to dealing with. I forget that white privilege of actually never having to hear about how much you/people like you suck/are a burden to society/take all the taxpayers money/etc. everyday.
It also sometimes seems like some kind of all or nothing thing with some people. Either you buy into my whole perfect package or you must hate everything about me. Any disabled person who has lived through an IEP or IWRP process knows about continually assessing your strengths and weaknesses. Just because there is a weakness (or someone perceives a weakness) doesn't mean the whole package is bad. It seems there is very little room for some nondisabled people to accept any difficult discourse about themselves.
So what I thought was just a "Hey, the church is great. Very promising, a lot of potential, everyone is kind and means well....but there is this one issue I am having trouble with," he took as "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, BUT your church sucks and everyone in it!"
My issues with my church are the same as my issues with the world. Mainly, disabled people and other social and cultural minorities are getting a raw deal and no one wants to talk about it and find an answer. Since the church has made such strides with the LGBT community, and some strides to include people with disabilities (i.e. ramps, FM system) this is why I trusted the church/minister enough to even go there with them.
I mean, when you are disabled there are oh, about 500,000 incidences where you are getting either majorly or minorly screwed a day. You have to pick which ones you are going to pursue and make right. I only usually pick the ones I think I can possibly win. So it is actually a COMPLIMENT to the church that I'm trying to give this my best go.
In any case, we have a meeting next week. I'm now very afraid of the whole thing. I'm starting to think they shouldn't set me out when company comes, at least company of the whitey guy variety. I have no idea what to say or how to say it. Let's see how far I can dig my own grave here. I think that if a MINISTER is going to be mad at me for wanting to talk about access issues, then I have such a little clue about how the world works and how it potentially could work that I must be an alien.
You sound so discouraged, and I don't blame you. What a crappy, whiny attitude for the minister to take. You go to the church, you teach Sunday school, and you want your kids dedicated there, and he thinks you hate it? I see two things in this (not that you asked). I was raised in the UU church, and some of the ministers were serious jerks. Some were nice people who tried really hard. I avoided one church in Seattle until the longtime minister retired, because I knew he didn't walk his talk at all. And, although he was a great speaker, how could I respect someone who didn't respect his parishioners?
Two, I'm still surprised constantly about how freaked out and judgemental people can be about disability. My husband worked as an advocate for dd individuals for years, and I worked at the UW in the disability studies department for awhile, so we have some background in the issues, even we were both not disabled until I got rheumatoid arthritis a few years ago. (And I've responded so well to meds, that I don't know what category I fall in. Sort of sick is the closest I can come.)
Anyway, I'm surprised by how much many people don't want to admit what they consider weaknesses. They don't want to know I have RA because it's too personal. If a person has a visible "weakness" (such as a disability) then they are diminished. I don't have an answer to this, obviously. But it sucks.
I don't know where I'm going with this, except that I don't think you did anything wrong. A minister should listen to you. Even if he's offended, he shouldn't say he's shocked and stunned, he should agree to meet with you and actually be committed to figure out the problem and see what can be done. Shocked and stunned strikes me as immature and passive agressive.
I don't think you're an alien, I do think your minister has issues. But maybe if you go in and recap what you wrote here, he will get it. It's worth a try.
Sorry to go on so long...
Posted by: cherylc | April 06, 2006 at 02:26 PM
Again, I have to say this minister sucks at his job. Unfortunately, I think about 50% of ordained clergy suck, another 25% are adequate and the rest fall somewhere between skilled to gifted.
You got a suckin' one. He seems pretty absorbed in his own issues. Wonder how he'd react if you accused him of being angry and hateful, etc. when he complains about homophobia?
(Said the lesbian, for the record!)
Posted by: shannon | April 06, 2006 at 05:55 PM
FWIW, you are an EXCELLENT communicator. I can understand second-guessing yourself in this situation, but if you're wondering "is it me or him?", my money would definately be on him. Some people just don't react well to letters/e-mail and need to work things out in real time. I really hope your meeting goes well.
Unrelated: Have you been to a park with your boys lately? OMG, the PARK! My boys love it, it's a whole new world. Now if they could only stand the stroller. Do your boys do well in the stroller?
Posted by: Emmie | April 07, 2006 at 09:18 AM
Were I you, I would simply not deal with his issues at all. His feelings are not your problem. I would say clearly the fact that I have my children in the church, want them dedicated in the church and teach sunday school here shows that I consider this my home church.
Now, here are the things that could help me in participating and enjoying my church membership. A,B,C,D etc.
Do you see any way we could resolve some of these issues? Do you know what other churches have found successful? Do you know of a minister who has done a lot to integrate the disabled members of his congragation that we could use as a resource?
The issues that need resolution are the point of the meeting, not discussing his emotional response to your concerns. So, I would steamroller any discussion of that and treat him as a person who should have access to information that would be of use.
Let him work out his perceptual and interactional problems on his own dime. I bet you could set up a time to try to help him out with them if he asks because you are a generous hearted person toward us (The willingly and comfortably ignorant masses). Otherwise, it matters about as much as what foods cause him indigestion.
You go, Girl
Posted by: Gillian | April 09, 2006 at 12:14 PM