In this whole Paxil induced emotional and relationship check-up I'm doing lately, I'm sorting through some of my differences with the Barones. Looking at what they accuse me of, what I accuse them of, trying to sort it out. One of my crimes is supposedly putting 'being right' ahead of relationships. And this accusation has confused me, because I would consider myself more of a moral relativist, or at the very least a value pluralist, whereas the Barones I would consider more moral absolutists. So "being right" is not that important to me because--what the hell is right? I try not to judge others views and acknowledge that I will never be fully aware of the context of their decisions and beliefs. However expressing my opinion is perhaps very important to me. But have I held back my opinions for the sake of relationships? Oh, lemme tell ya, that would be a BIG HELL YEAH. For nearly twelve years. A hem.
Then D and I had a little tense conversation on the phone tonight. We were talking about a list of potential attendants that we received from the state. The attendants have all worked for the state before and are looking for more work. This means that they have a "provider number" and that they have been background checked and are legal to work in the US. Hiring someone off of this list would save D and I time and hassle, as the training, paperwork, and background checking would mostly already be done. The only downfall of this list is that it looks a bit outdated, with people who put their names on it as far back as September. There are about 40 people listed in no particular order. The list states their name, phone number, provider number, and date which they asked to be on the list.
We have our yearly paperwork done, and now D has to have a meeting with the social worker, but other than that, I'm ready to get started making some calls. D has had much more experience hiring people than I have, so he's giving me some pointers. All of the sudden, this happens:
D: So I guess I would start by calling the white people.
Me: Um, Whaaa?
D: I don't mean that like it sounds. I know that sounds bad. I mean I would start with the people with white sounding names.
Me: I can't believe you just said that.
Pause...
Me: D, these people are all legal to work in the US, they have to be if they are on the list. (We've had a bit of a problem with getting prospective applicants that cannot work for the state because of their immigration status.)
D: I know. But I need to be able to communicate with my attendant. I don't mean that I care if they are white or not. But I need them to speak English. I can't do Spanish like you do.
(Side note: Here is the thing. My Spanish SUCKS. It is terrible and I wish it were better. But I have noticed that I'm not as afraid as other people to try to communicate with people who speak other languages and I am actually pretty good at it. It is certainly NOT because of my language skills. I think it is because I am hearing impaired. I'm used to struggling patiently through conversations with people and finding ways to communicate. It doesn't make me uncomfortable, and I think that is 75% of the problem with people who get all gripey about those who don't speak English. I think they get nervous and insecure around them and then blame them for their own insecurities. In any case, though, I do understand and think it is OK that D wants to hire an attendant that he has a good rapport with and can communicate well with.)
Me: Well, fine. I have no problem with that. But you can't just discriminate against someone because they have a Hispanic name! Lots of people with Hispanic names speak perfectly good English. You at least have to get on the phone with them before deciding that. (I go in to my 'this is too absurd' crazy laugh) God I feel like I'm in that hijacked plane where they killed the passengers with Jewish sounding names!
D: Don't make it like I'm all evil! I'm just saying this is where I start. I'm not saying I wouldn't hire a Hispanic person. I'd just start with the white people to make it more efficient. What? Would you just start at the top of the page?
Me: No, I'd start with the most recent and work my way backwards. And if I couldn't do that, yeah, I guess I'd start at the top. At least it would be random.
D: Don't get all on me like this. I can do this. I don't see anything wrong with it. I know I want someone who speaks good English and that is the most efficient way to find someone. I can do this.
Me: Yeah, you can because you are small potatoes and no one will know. But what if you were HR in a huge company and you automatically threw out all the resumes from people named Hernandez and Perez? You'd be in a heap of trouble. Because no one will know doesn't make it right.
D: I have a limited amount of time to get stuff done, and this is one of my shortcuts. I can do this. Don't get all high and mighty holier than thou civil rights on me.
Me: Sigh. I'm not. Its just, coming from you. I guess you have not been in the workforce enough to know how much it SUCKS when you lose opportunities over stupid little stuff that has nothing to do with anything. You know that if you or I had something tagged on our resume that marked us as disabled, HR is throwing us in the trashcan without even looking at our credentials. I'm going at it from that angle. I certainly don't want to put Hispanics at the bottom arbitrarily. If you do that, and everyone else does that, then it really screws with their opportunities. But, hell, D, it IS fucking Martin Luther King Day for God's sake. If I'm high and mighty, I'm high and mighty.
D: I don't want to get in to this. If this is going to be a big deal. I'll just hire someone myself.
Me: No way, I've GOT to do it now.
D: Fine. I'm going to get off the phone now. Love you.
Me: Love you.
Both: Goodbye.
Okay, two things here. First, D is a guy who is sick in the hospital with not a real good next several weeks to look forward to. He is nervous about coming home (which turns out, could be as early as the weekend) and he and I have to get a lot of support set up to handle a lot of stuff. He will be coming home bedridden, on IV therapy, and with a wound vac. We will be doing a lot in the next few days to try to get everything together for him to come home with all of the supports he needs. He is trying to get things happening as soon as possible. That said, he was being a total dumbass and there is no way in GOD'S GREEN EARTH that I wasn't going to call him on that one. I predict that he will stew on this for a few days and then later on, when the stress is somewhat relieved, he will come around and see how wrong he was. He will probably kick himself a bit, and move on and not do it again. D does not have quite the background I do on oppression and civil rights issues, he has hired black, asian, white, male, female, and gay attendants before. I think this Hispanic/language/whatever mind block he is having right now is something he needs to work through. But in general, I believe that he does understand and support equity in hiring practices. (And if he doesn't, I'll verbally bitch slap him around some more.)
Second, notice here that in spite of the fact that I strongly disagreed with what he was saying, and I got on his ass about it, it doesn't mean the relationship is ending. I do not consider speaking up and getting in a bit of a tiff with him as me sacrificing the relationship to be right. I knew that the strength of the relationship depended on me speaking up and disagreeing with him on this point. Just because you disagree with someone and don't just go along with them to keep the peace, doesn't mean you don't value the relationship. It would seem to me that a relationship is not that strong if you have to smile and make nice all the time to avoid conflict or a disagreement. That isn't a true relationship, its an untrustworthy sham. A lie of convenience with pretty window dressing.
So, this example is defining for me more clearly one of the differences between me and the "Barones." I do not think that a relationship has to be built on politeness and agreement at all costs. I'm not ditching the relationship to prove I'm right, I'm allowing it to grow and change. Am I sometimes tactless? Hell, yes. And this is a legitimate problem of mine that I need to work on. (And I have to pat myself on the back here for working on this lately. There was an incident the other day involving a cat bite that I deserve the frakin' medal of honor for not immediately exploding with hysterical laughter. I mentally slapped myself silly into being polite and concerned. I reigned in my joyous snark and saved my Kitty High Fivery until AFTER I found out that the poor ex-marine survivalist victim was going to be all right. And I believe that I honestly squeaked out some sincere empathy and politeness there. I done me proud! Um. I think I just lost my medal of honor writing that sentence, though.) But I'm not going to go through life swallowing my principles just to make nice with someone.
So, Okay. I think I understand this now. It is a difference in the way we deal with people. I trust that people can handle their own selves about disagreements. The Barones are more likely to help the person save face and not make them feel uncomfortable about an issue. They'd more likely let it slide. Which is better? I don't know. I suppose the master sage at this would know perfectly when to do either at the right time with the right person.
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Okay, totally unrelated but since you are likely getting as sick as I am about this whole in-law issue of mine, I'll leave you with this:
Funniest line I read today in bloggedyworld:
If you work at Planned Parenthood and get pregnant on accident, a lot of people will make fun of you.
That's from American Family's "About" section. The rest of the blog ain't bad in the laughs department, either.
On preview, there is just some excellent, thought provoking posts about racism/classism on that site. Go there. Now. It's better than anything I can write here on the subject.
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