Twinkle Little Star

Everybody Loves DW.

OK, you Sillies, in this post, I don't believe either I or Cherie Priest are advocating that you withhold sex as a manipulative tool to be used at your every whim. If you read the linked post and the linked article, and also here is a follow-up where Cherie talks more about her motivations for writing the article, you will see that there is a direct link between sex and the outcome some women might be trying to avoid. If you do not want to have any (more) children, yet your husband/partner does not take responsibility for, or 'refuses' to allow you to use birth control or be the master of your own domain as it were...then stop fucking him. You do have control over your life, so complaining about how you have so many children and you are so tired and your body is wearing down but he doesn't believe in birth control so whateryagonnado is stupid. You do have control. And if you don't, then it is time to call a domestic abuse shelter and get out...NOW!

I'm not suggesting that you withhold sex to manipulate you hubby to having to endure a Tupperware party on Superbowl Sunday or something...sheesh.

It is interesting how flames sometimes come more often on the inbox then on the comment thread.

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Completely unrelated to this, nobody wrote anything about D's pressure sore situation but I just wanted to explain something.

I use the term pressure sore or pressure ulcer or decubitis ulcer to describe what is going on with D's feet, and that is not entirely accurate. He actually has what are called stasis venous ulcers, which are not caused by pressure directly (but can be exacerbated by pressure.) Often, the cause of skin breakdown can be a combination of the two. A stasis ulcer is caused by severe edema and poor blood circulation from the lower extremities to the heart. The blood vessels in the legs and feet get so overloaded with un-oxygenated blood and fluid that they explode and die. This causes damage to the skin starting from beneath the surface of the skin. Often times, when the surface skin looks relatively healthy, the dermis layers beneath are rotting away. Then, a surface ulcer can appear almost instantly. It can be caused by a bump or a scratch or nothing at all. All of the sudden, you wake up and there is this huge opening of dead and rotting skin. There is not much warning and besides keeping your feet elevated above your heart several times a day, there is not a whole lot you can do to prevent it.

I wanted to explain this because pressure sores have such a stigma that it must have been caused by abuse or neglect. And often they are, especially in low staffed nursing homes that care for patients with dementia. There was an investigation done when D went in the hospital and I feel it is important that it was done. I was not insulted at all when I was questioned by hospital and home health staff. I was angry at two of D's family members that jumped to judgments about something they did not know anything about. (But these two family members have a lot of jumping to judgment type behavior. And mostly I find it hilarious and don't give it much thought beyond that.) However, this whole pressure sore deal is a big, big deal to be throwing accusations around because it could unfairly affect my career in the future if complaints were ever made official. I mean, there are certain things you just don't go around saying unless you are damned sure what you are talking about because your gossip could easily ruin a career or even a family. You don't  just go around and, for your own entertainment or whatever, accuse a teacher or a mother of hitting a kid, you don't accuse any man of sexually molesting anyone, and you don't accuse someone who works in the disability field of neglecting, abusing, emotionally manipulating vulnerable populations.

Several people, including my dad and some fellow home care workers have told me to just quit this situation and not put myself in the crosshairs of future crazyness. I know that they are right. I've talked to D about quiting attendant services altogether, and he always talks me out of it. Maybe I'm weak. I had planned not to quit when he hires someone else, just cut back by half, thus making it easier to transition to my own salary to make up for that. And I don't mind doing some attendant stuff. It's also good for him to have a backup or an emergency person. But I suppose I'd do that anyway, but the money makes it easier. Also, I'm a placeholder. If D doesn't use his hours, he loses them. So there is that. D is not oppossed to getting another attendant per se, he is just picky and procrastinates the process. It is hard to find someone to trust to come into your home and take care of your private business. So I understand that. Sometimes I think I'm too patient and part of the problem. But D says to quit to prove a point wouldn't work, because it isn't what is right for us and they would probably just knock me for quiting.

I try not to worry about it too much, because I know the truth is on my side and the evidence is there to support me. But even though I don't consider my CNA work for D a "real job," in a career type sense, I do take pride in one of my bestest skills. And that is in respecting the self-determination of people with disabilities while providing appropriate levels of support. It is a very fine line and I am quite good at it. It is especially important when dealing with people who have cognitive disabilities. D doesn't have any cognitive disability, yet he does take many medications and sometimes people may think that his decision making ability is compromised by this. I would say 99% of the time it is not, but there have been times when he has been too sick to make his own decisions and I have stepped in. I am his medical power of attorney as well, but I have never used that for any major medical decision. The reason D and I have gotten along for going on 12 years is because he respects my ability to treat him as a fully cognizant and functioning human being. He sometimes quite resents the fact that some family members (and others in the public) do not respect him enough to make his own decisions even if they don't agree.

The reason I got mad at him this summer regarding the foot thing was not because he made a mistake about when was the right time to call the nurse, but more because he lied to me about doing it. I do understand that he was trying to spare me the stress of it and also was in a bit of denial himself. I do realize now, though it took a few weeks to shake down what actually happened, that these venous stasis ulcers did come on quite suddenly for him.

I almost wish, for his sake, that I had been responsible for some pressure sores. If it was a matter of relieving pressure from certain areas of his body, they could have done that and these things could have possibly healed and future ones been prevented. As it is, stasis ulcers can heal, become reinfected, heal again, and the cycle continues. Because of the lack of oxygenated blood, it takes them forever to heal if at all, and they can quickly become bad again. D is working on getting a wheelchair that tilts so he can improve his circulation. But this is a large undertaking that will take some doing as far as medical insurance is concerned. It's not like you just pick one up at the drugstore.

So, it is a hard situation because you have to balance living your life and not worrying everyone all the time with the fact that this is a chronic problem. D tells his family that everything is going good and taken care of with his foot, and he is not lying. He is receiving the appropriate medical care, the wound does not seem to be infected right now. The two skin grafts are probably stage 2 wounds at this point, and the stasis one on his heel is probably a stage 3, which means it is not deep enough that it goes all the way through the dermis layers to bone. It is approximately 8 cm long and 4 cm wide. It may very well heal over time, or it may get worse. I'm writing all this because I know family reads this site and I want to give you as accurate picture as possible as to what is going on. There is nothing you can do, so don't worry. You have to teach yourself that. It is being taken care of, and it is not life threatening at this time.

Yes, I am worried that every time D goes into the hospital I'll be blamed now. And that is hard. But I know that people are going to choose to think what they want, and there is nothing I can do about it. I always want to ask them, what exactly do you think is in this for me? I've supposedly somehow manipulated a poor quadriplegic SSI recipient into being the father of my children (he pays no child support) and then I cause him to get a pressure sore? Wow, if I am that manipulative, I'm really dumb about it, no? You'd think I'd use my skills more to my advantage. What are my purposes, here?

When people accuse you of manipulating a situation, it is usually because they do not have the skills/courage/confidence/whatever to be direct in their own lives and take care of their own selves, so they manipulate others and expect that everyone else does the same. I'm almost about as WYSIWYG as they come. I am direct as direct can be. I'll come right out and tell you what I want and what I'm doing. I'm also pretty good about saying, if you don't like it, disengage. I'm all for win/win or no deal as they say.

Here are my motives and what I know in regards to D:

• I want him to be as healthy as possible.
• To do this, I should not be his only attendant.
• Although there have been some extenuating circumstances regarding State Policies and death's of mothers and the like, for the most part, I have encouraged him to get another attendant, while putting in my share of hours.
• This has been our one bone of contention the last several years that many arguments boil down too.
• I will still help D attendant wise to the best of my abilities until this is settled. But I do expect that he manage his own health. This means, he has to let me know if he needs me to do something that will prevent his health from deteriorating.
• The only exception would be if he became mentally incapacitated, which he IS NOT!
• If I was not D's attendant and someone else could pick up a lot of the work, I could most likely make MORE MONEY doing something that little master's degree thing trained me for. Attendant work is not a career for me.
• Even if he gets another attendant, I will still be available for emergencies and the like, whether I get paid or not.
• I expect him to do his best in everything he does.
• I want him to be happy and fulfilled in life.
• It would be nice if that included me.
• I want him to experience everything he can when he can.
• This is basically where fathering my kids came in.
• He was the first to bring up fathering my kids.
• I knew he was going to be in their lives anyway.
• I wanted to give him an opportunity to be a father.
• I wanted to give my kids the opportunity to have him as a father.
• Although I would expect some form of child support if he were to ever get a good paying job, I'm really not counting on any.
• I would not make him pay child support at the detriment of his own health.
• We are not breaking the law by putting him on the birth certificate. The state knows through paperwork from my fertility doctor that the kids were from DI.
• I think D made the best decision for him in determining that ICSI was not an option for him, and therefore, he will probably never have biological children.
• If he decided to at some point go through ICSI, it will probably have to be with some other woman as my health does not incline me to be pregnant again. I would be fine with this, as long as he is still committed to his responsibilities with his first two children.
• Well, to be fair, the above situation would take some getting used to, but I'm not the type of person who gets jealous or would keep someone from doing what he really wants to do...so I'd have to learn to deal with it.
• He doesn't tell you a lot. He worries about your reactions. This causes problems and confusion.
• We love each other. What our love consists of or if it seems to you more like friendship or more like marriage is really no ones business. It is for us to determine.

That's pretty much it in a nutshell.

As Promised, Christmas News

I hope everyone has had a great holiday weekend, whatever you celebrate. We had a nice, but low-key Christmas holiday. Technically, this is the kid's second Christmas. Last year they were two weeks old and I was in a living hell. I don't remember much about last Christmas. Just that I was so panic-stricken about not having Ms. Wendy the Wonder Nanny for three whole days that I vomited the whole--count 'em cuz I sure did--TWENTY-NINE every two and a half hour feedings marathon that I did those three days BY MYSELF. Have I rubbed that in enough on this blog? Well, D helped for a few hours here and there. D's family had come over to give me some presents, and I was too tired to open them. They sat unopened for about three weeks.

Anyway, this Christmas was much better and FELT like the kid's first Christmas. Growing up, my family did exchange presents, and in the early years, were more active about Christmas, but by the teen years, we never even put up a tree. I was home for my mother's last Thanksgiving and Christmas and fought long and hard to be as festive as possible. I made my father go out with me and get a tree. It's a fake one, and now I have it. And I have not brought it out since that last Christmas before she died. This year, my excuse was that I thought the kids would just knock it over.

OK, here is a quirky thing about my family upbringing that I am trying to change for my kids. My family was pretty anti-entertaining, anti-tradition, anti-pomp and circumstance, anti-having people over to our house. I think that my mother grew up in a poor and abusive home and she was ashamed to have people over to her house as a child (And sometimes her friends were not allowed to come to her house because it wasn't safe.) I think she unconsciously carried this into adulthood. My father grew up the son of a Jehovah's Witness minister, and everything was done at the church. Parties and celebrations were considered "worldly." Although he is not practicing JW anymore, I think he has carried a bit of this over into adulthood. So, rarely did we have company, celebrations, or our friends over. Not never, but rarely. And when we did, it made my mother so self-conscious and nervous that she practically went batty cleaning the house and making everything perfect that she never wanted to do it often. So as a result, I am self conscious about hosting and entertaining people at my house. Somewhat because I've had no practice and never gained the skills, and somewhat because I don't have all, nay ANY of the accoutrement's of entertaining. I don't even have matching glasses. I have like four plates and bowls that are not in that good of condition, and my table was ruined in storage and the finish got like soggy and now everything sticks to it. I plan to replace it, but just decided to wait until the kids are a bit older and NEATER.

So, I'm trying to change. I always wanted one of those houses that people felt comfortable just stopping by and dropping in for dinner. But I'm not going to be able to change over night. And I'm not going to be able to buy a new table, dishes, serving dishes, stemware, etc. overnight. I never had a wedding or even a baby shower. I didn't get all the free loot. So I've been doing a bit of practicing and having small gatherings. We had a small, very small gathering for the kid's birthday. And it was good practice. I'm getting better at it. I can cook OK, mind you, but I just can't cook entertainment style, where everything goes together and looks so pretty and presentable.

So for holidays I'm trying to add traditions and celebrations that I didn't grow up with. This year for Christmas Eve, I wanted to go to church and for Christmas just have a gift opening for the kids with D, a small "traditional dinner" and invite one or two guests over. So that's what we did and it was very nice. (Well, one of my guests was a no-show, a friend w/o family in town. But he's kind of flakey about these things so I wasn't that bothered or surprised by it.)

D insisted on a tree even though I did not haul out my mom's tree. So he brought over this little 4 foot fiber optic tree and we got a few cheap decorations at Rite-Aid! My star I got wouldn't fit up on the tree, so it is too the side! Christmas Eve-Eve, The black orphan kitty with no name and I decorated  it. We had no little hooks that you use to hang the ornaments so I ended up using paperclips! Wow! We were festive! Black Kitty With No Name tried to knock things down as fast as I put them up. We also put up stockings that were, uh, scotch taped to the chimney with care, for the kids and put a few items in them.

On Christmas Eve, the four of us went to church and the kids stayed with us rather than going to the nursery. They were good for the first 45 minutes. They were fascinated by the lights and the people and the children that were dressed in costumes in an impromptu nativity play. Then, at the very end, they passed out candles and turned off the lights and we sang all verses of "Silent Night." I was holding Naim with one hand while holding a lit candle WAY away with my other hand. He was getting very angry at his mean, abusive mother who would not let him touch FIRE! And in this solemn, candlelit moment, Naim starts SCREAMING at the TOP OF HIS LUNGS. It is so dark that I can't see anything, but I try to move over to a nearby small room at the side of the church. Suddenly, someone comes and yanks the candle from my hand. I was actually glad to be rid of it. But this is Unitarians for you: The woman who did it came up to me and apologized profusely because she thought she did something so terribly politically incorrect in regards to my disability. Apparently, she saw that I was going to walk that candle right into the wall of our over 100 year old wood church. She didn't want to embarrass me, she said. Ha ha! I would have been significantly more embarrassed had I burned down our local landmark of a church on Christmas Eve, while everyone was singing "Silent Night."

After church, Naim never got over his fit. I took him home and sent D off to his family's house for the night. Then, I ended up sitting on the floor with that child for 45 minutes while he continued his tantrum. Nothing I did seemed to help. I just ended up talking to him and rubbing his back.  Finally he calmed down just in time for bed. After the kids went to bed, Kitty and I wrapped their presents while I talked to good friend, Nik, from Toronto on the phone. So it was a nice night.

On Christmas day, I slept in a bit because I knew that this was probably going to be one of the last Christmases in a long time where the kids won't be up at 5 am. D also didn't come over until 2 pm. He was supposed to come in the morning! By the time he came, the kids were too tired to open presents and so I put them down for naps. Flash forward 5 years and see if this flies! I said if he did that again, I was going to send them over to his place and poke him until he got up.

D and I open our gifts for each other. He got me a DVD/video recorder for the TV in my room because I can't really see my dad's TV downstairs. I got him a magic bullet (you know the blender thingy from the infomercial!! He's all into grinding his own coffee and making protein shakes and stuff.) Apparently, I also got him some video editing equipment and apparently he got me a sterling silver bracelet. I say apparently, because we really picked out these gifts for ourselves and then made the other one go get it. We do this every year. This year, though, we didn't even make the other person go buy it. We bought it ourselves! So I wrapped my own present and he wrapped his, and he didn't know what HE got ME until I opened it and vice versa. It was kind of funny.

When I can afford it, I try to buy organic and fairly traded foods. But I cannot afford to do it 100% so usually that food goes towards the kids. It is more important that they eat organic than us. But for Christmas dinner, I bought all organic for us as well. We had  lemon herbed chicken with fresh chives, cilantro, thyme and something else I forget now and pepper. The stuffing was organic version of stove top, but I herbed it all up, too. Mashed Potatoes and gravy, butter steamed fresh green beans that I steamed for a really long time with the tatoes, so they were really good, and organic rolls. It was pretty good, IMHO. The kids had some stuffing and potatoes. This time Naim did not throw it all up like he did at thanksgiving!

D's dad came over and we opened the kids gifts. We didn't get them a whole lot of stuff. I got them a big pegged easy puzzle and two books each. D got them each a stuffed cat and a magnadoodle to share. D's dad got them each a push toy and an outfit. They also got finger paints and crayons in their stockings. D also got them a little cell phone from the dollar store which is Aaron's favorite. Naim likes a book that I got him with lots of textures to feel. Aaron likes the phone and the puzzles. They kind of started getting into the whole unwrapping process after a few presents. They liked the bows and wrapping paper as well as the presents, of course.

We let the kids play a bit and then put them to bed. They were tired out. Then we had a chocolate cheesecake I had made (and even put fancy whipped cream on it and organic dark chocolate shavings so see what you missed Mr. No-Show J!!). I made a pot of coffee for D and hot chocolate for me and we added Irish Creme while we ate the cheesecake and just relaxed in front of the fire for a couple of hours.

It was nice. It will be fun when the kids get older and can participate more. I'm hoping to add family traditions for us as we go.

So far, I'd like to keep Christmas Eve church service. Irish coffee. I'd like to add some lights outside next year, and get out my mom's big tree and maybe get some of her ornaments from Kansas. I'd still like to invite some nonfamily members, (even if they don't show) because I have been home alone plenty on Christmas and why should you be? I don't think Christmas has to be "only family." The problem is getting people to know that they aren't intruding upon you. I don't want a big, huge celebration, but a few people over on Christmas would be nice. I don't care if D or I spend Christmas with his or my family on Christmas Eve, but I'd kind of almost like it to be just us, our family and a few of our friends for Christmas. Though it was nice to have D's dad come. We'll see.

This being an adult and being able to make your own holidays what you want them to be is kind of fun!

From the Archives: Why I Don't Need a Man

I wasn't planning on being all anti-man tonight. But the other post made me think back to this post that was written on my previous blog in March of 2002. It is kind of fun to see what my mindset was pre-children. Most of this is still accurate today. Saying I don't need a man is not the same as saying I don't need people, and D is a people that I need who happens to be male. Also, one could argue now that I needed 'Sergei', our donor. When writing this, I was on the adoption track, not the DI track, though. And although I did need a bit of Sergei's DNA, I do not feel a need for Sergei, the man except that he was willing to give me a bit of his DNA. Having two male children, now...They need men in their lives. They need all kinds of people in their lives, and I work all the time to give them opportunities for this. As I've explained before, having D in the children's lives is a really bit of icing on the cake, but I'm so happy I didn't force myself to wait it out for the traditional man relationship. Men can be nice, but I still don't see the need. I hope to raise Naim and Aaron to see ways that they can enhance the life of a woman in positive ways, and not to expect the woman to "need" them in a dependent way but in reality they are more of a burden on the woman than they really fulfill a need. Time will only tell how good of job I can do with that.

I was watching an ABC news report the other day about the resignation of top Bush advisor Karen Hughes. Apparently she wants to spend more time with her family. Fair enough. But then the story segued into a look at working women struggling to Have It All, and why that is so hard.

Afterward, D and I looked at each other and said almost simultaneously, "How FUCKING sexist was that?"

We were irritated that while it showed women struggling to meet the demands of a career and raising a family, and showed the sacrifices women were making to be able to handle all of the responsibilities in their lives, they did not mention husbands or fathers once. Did these women truly want to Have It All, and couldn't? Did they really want to have a lucrative and challenging career outside the home AND have the primary responsibility for all the childcare AND the home management? Because that is how our society defines this euphanism for women, Having It All.

I would argue that most woman don't want to Have It All. Most women would like to kick a nice chunk of that "All" to their lazy, no-good husbands. The women profiled in this story were not single mothers. They were upper middle class working mothers with children and husbands who also work. Peter Jennings, nor these women ever mentioned the possibility that the husbands could cut back on their hours, stay at home, pick up their share of the chores and child rearing, take a different job that would not require them to travel, etc. That's just not how it's done.

Didn't it seem nice in the 50s? It was such a nice, working system. A man was a provider; a woman was a house manager and child rearer. Everybody went along happily co-dependent. Except then women got bored. I mean, c'mon, there is no challenge or glory in keeping a nicely vacuumed floor, and although parenting has many treasured moments, its exhausting work, and sometimes even the company of a darling 5-year-old leaves a lot to be desired. So women went out and fought and rallied for their right to work and have a workplace where they wouldn't be harassed and maybe even equal pay for equal work would be peachy, too.

So all of that was well and good and women increased the net worth of their families up to and over 100%. Great for men…more net worth. Great for women…they are no longer dependent on men for financial security! But funny, men are still largely dependant on women to turn their spawn into actual contributing members of society, keep their house from wreaking, and maybe even keep them from starving. Think I'm stretching here?

Well, lets see here. Its been reported in books like Arlie Hochschilds' "The Second Shift", Mahony's "Kidding Ourselves" and more recently in an AP news article (that I can't find right now, but this ain't my Master's Thesis), common statistics such as these:

In 1965, men spent about 55 hours doing outside paid work and about 3 hours of work in the home each week, for a total of 58 hours worked. Women did an average of 20 hours of outside paid work and 44 hours of work in the home, for a total of 64 hours worked.

In 2001, men did an average of 45 hours of outside paid work and 8 hours of work in the home each week; a total of 53 hours worked. Whereas women do an average of 42 outside work hours and 31 hours of in-home work each week, a total of 73 hours worked.

So, although men do contribute five more in-home hours than they did 37 years ago, they also work less at paid jobs now. Although women have gained 22 hours of paid work opportunities, they only lost 5 hours of in-home work. Women are working two jobs and one doesn't pay squat. And it infringes on her ability to advance as much as her male counterpart in the workplace. So basically, in spite of all the advances women have made in the workplace, their quality of life may very well be worse now than it was in 1965.

So now, I often get told, "Gee, SLW, it sure would be nice if you would go out and find a nice man to take care of you." Part of this is because I'm disabled; most of this is because I'm a woman. But who would be taking care of who here? I just don't see the advantages. Since September I have been pulling my own version of the second shift. I work all day and then come home and work for several hours taking care of my quadriplegic roommate. Now it should be noted that I get paid for this, I do work that he physically can't do himself, and I chose this knowingly. But yet, to do this type of schedule for the rest of my life for no pay for a man that can fend for himself but won't? No. Besides the fact that it is too exhausting, and that I'd end up getting so mad that I'd have to eventually grill the guys privates in the George Foreman Indoor, its just not in my best interest.

Part of the problem is that our society, including women, have absolutely no expectations for men to pull their weight. When I used to teach, and now in my work at the children's hospital, I deal almost exclusively with moms. Moms took off work to come pick up their sick kid, moms came to parent/teacher conferences, moms transported their kids back and forth to daycare and extracurriculars, moms are the ones who spend the night on the parent bed in each child's hospital room, moms are driving the grocery cart, filled with kiddos, up and down the grocery isle… and no one ever wonders why. How many times do you hear a dad say, "My wife is going out tonight. So I have to baby-sit." Baby-sit???? Baby-sitting, by definition is caring for a child for a short period of time in the absence of a parent. Uh, Aren't YOU the parent, buddy?

John Scalzi, (with whom most of you are familiar because of my current silly schoolgirl crush) works at home and cares for his 3-year-old daughter. Recently, he wrote about the reaction he gets when he takes his daughter out to the mall in the afternoon. People tend to think of him as either unemployed or a divorcee on mandatory visitation. At least they don't think I'm a deadbeat dad, he mused. But what I really couldn't believe is that apparently someone emailed him to complain that he was implying that he was better than deadbeat dads. Well, uh, yaa. This whole thing is just bad on so many levels. First that it should be so unusual for a dad to be seen alone with his daughter in the middle of the day, and second, that anyone would defend deadbeat dads. There are no expectations whatsoever.

Oh, you say, but it doesn't have to be that way! There are enlightened, freethinking men out there that pull their share. Sure. There are. But they are few and far between. And if one comes along someday, then great. But I'm not going to try to convert one. I don't have the patience or energy for a fixer-upper. And right now, because I am so involved in some of my own things to improve my own life, I don't have the time or energy to go hunt one down. I want him to come to me prepackaged, shiny and shrink wrapped. Asking too much? Well, at least I have expectations. I never said I didn't want a man, I said I didn't need one. If a guy comes along and is interested in a true partnership, then icing on the cake. But until then, I'm going to go ahead and dig into my cake.

A note on single motherhood. Some of you seem to be appalled that I have even been considering the idea of adopting or foster care as a single mother. I wonder if you would be more appalled at the conditions some children live in who are waiting for adoption. I cannot give a child everything life has to offer. Either can you. No one can. Can I give a child all the necessities of life, guide him or her to the best of my ability to becoming a happy and contributing adult, and unconditional love? Absolutely. That is more than thousands of children get. Would it be nice if there was a father to add to the mix? Yes, only if it's the right kind of father. But can I ensure that my child has loving male influences? Yes, to that, as well. It would be nice if my child would be able to go to Montessori school, to have my fake grandmother (who is 70) as a caregiver, to have an acreage with a pony as well. But he or she probably won't. My child will get a loving, stable, safe and enriching environment to grow up in. Isn't that what you are providing for your child? Until every one that complains about foster children who go off to single parents, gay parents, disabled parents, (or whoever else doesn't look exactly like the mythical Cleaver household) will go out and adopts or fosters a child, their complaints have no credibility with me.

Stop.

This is an old post by Cherie Priest, but I just recently ran across it.

Every once in a while you run across a post you wish you had written yourself. This is one of those posts.

Sometimes women need to realize that there are many ways that women can control politics that go beyond voting. The following statement will get me into trouble, but if you are female, c'mon, admit it, you know it is true. And furthermore, you know it's easy.

While there are a few exceptions to the rule, there are many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many men who can be controlled through their penises.

I think that since rich white men have sought to control women's bodies for centuries, this is all fair game.

A Post In Which I Push CAPS LOCK MANY TIMES in Lieu of Sleeping Pills.

We all had a really nice Christmas weekend, and I'll write about it tomorrow, but now I just need to get something off my chest so I can go to bed.

Today, D had some problems with leakage on the bandages on his remaining foot that could not wait until the nurse comes tomorrow (they were on a skeleton staff today because it is their holiday), so I replaced the bandages.

To update you, the amputated foot is doing nicely and has healed well. The remaining foot with the skin grafts is still a great problem needing constant care. He had the graft done at the beginning of August and then had it treated in the hospital for the next six weeks. Then, he had about two and a half months where he received daily nursing care and now he has nursing care for his remaining foot two to three times a week. During the time that he had the daily home care, he developed not only a small pressure wound on his coccyx (tail bone area) but another wound on his foot caused by the bandages and boot he was wearing to protect the grafted areas. The nurses and doctors are now treating this large wound as well as doing a bit of remaining work on the grafted areas, which are looking fairly good.

Because the nurses handle things and his foot is always covered, I rarely have seen the wounds. When I ask about them, both he and the nurses say they are "coming along" or "looking good." I believe them, because I know that D feels OK and that the wounds are getting very good care.

So today is the first day that I have seen his foot in probably a couple of months. I know that it looks MUCH BETTER than it has in the past...but to me, it looked like a horror show. Something became abundantly clear to me. Keeping this foot and keeping his entire skin intact and healthy for the years to come is going to take CONSTANT vigilance and care by medical professionals as well as by D. I predict that there will not likely be a time when D is not under medical care for this foot if it is at all possible to keep it. Whenever it was that this problem started, this past June/July or maybe it has been working up to this point over the 13 years since D's initial injury, it turned the corner of no return. I don't know that D or I could have predicted that it would have gone this bad this quickly.

The other thing is that the job I did today on his foot was a lay person's job to get him safely to tomorrow when the wound care nurse will do a much better job, so we omitted several steps that I either did not have the skill nor the material to do...and it still took over an hour. Caring for pressure wounds such as these takes a very high level of training, experience and high tech equipment. They are using medications that cost over $400 per application that pharmacies don't even carry regularly. They are using special silver lined bandage material. Every week, D gets a FedEx package with these special materials. This ain't just a band-aid and some gauze, folks. He wears a special sheepskined lined boot with plastic plates in it that keep anything from touching parts of his foot. Then, there are little techniques known only to experienced nurses such as using a hollowed out coffee can to put on two layers of support stockings without touching his foot bandages. Its all very complex.

So the reason I am telling you all this is because, while I was doing what I could do to give him a fresh, clean wound coverage that would last until the nurses come...and knowing the job I was doing, which I found quite difficult, was only part of the job the nurses do all the time, I got mad. Not at D, not at the wound, but at those people who have said that I caused/could have prevented/whatever these wound problems. I really have not been mad about this for a long time, because it is all just so stupid and juvenile, but I got mad about it again today. Even though I do have CNA* training and am D's primary care provider, taking care of D's foot is beyond my skill level and beyond the time commitment that a normal person could commit. It would be like asking a CNA to diagnose and then perform open-heart surgery. The skin is an ORGAN, the largest and one of the most essential and complex of the body. Hell, Christopher Reeve died of complications from a pressure wound, at he had probably about the most extensive and advanced medical care available. The most you could ask of the CNA would be to suspect a problem and encourage the patient to seek medical attention and I DID THAT!

Interestingly, no one from the medical field who has been involved in D's care has ever blamed me for what happened. And they have questioned me about it. So all the people who know anything about the complexities of this problem and the situation at hand--D, the home nursing staff, the burn center staff, the rehab staff, the wound care physicians, the orthopedic surgeons, all who have questioned me, have never stated or even implied that I was to blame for this. Some have specifically even gone so far as to assure me that I was not to blame. AND THESE PEOPLE ARE ALL MANDATORY REPORTERS OF ABUSE/NEGLECT AND ARE TRAINED TO IDENTIFY ABUSE/NEGLECT IN DISABLED POPULATIONS!!!!!

FURTHERMORE...I would like to see either of the two people who blame me for this do what I did today. There is the stench of dead tissue, there is hanging skin that is in the process of debridment, there are layers of scab material, open wounds, and leakage. There is the pressure of cleaning around the wounds without touching them, cleaning the wounds themselves without tearing a bunch of good tissue while getting some of the dead tissue, there is the patience it takes to wrap the wounds without creating a single wrinkle that could cause another wound, and the physical strength required to put on tight, TIGHT support stockings without touching the wounds and bandages you just applied, and without causing a SINGLE WRINKLE. I am pretty darned sure that NEITHER of them could have handled it. When D had a pressure wound in 2002, I worked with a wound care nursing team and was trained to change the dressing and use a machine called a wound vac, which sucked away leakage from the wound. I would have liked to see either of them spend days and hours of their lives, everyday, any hour of day or night, do what I did to treat that wound. Not to mention that I was also doing infusion therapy at the same time and trying to keep a full time job. These foot wounds are more complicated that that because of the location and grafting. The nursing staff did not elect to train me on these foot wounds now nor when they were treating other foot wounds last year. They have always told D just to monitor them and call if there were any changes, because these wounds are COMPLICATED and require skill beyond what they felt I could be trained to do. And yes, as mentioned before, D neglected to call them as soon as he should have and that was something that was beyond my control. But we are talking a difference of a few weeks, here, and none of us could say whether earlier intervention would have significantly changed the outcome. But I know that my armchair detractors saw D during this time period, had as much information as I did, and also did not do or say anything about it themselves. Not blaming them, there, but there you go. And I have a good hunch that they could not or would not be able to handle the work involved in his wound care, either because of the sheer amount of physical energy and strength it takes, or because the responsibility of trying not to do anything wrong would be too great. I'm not saying this is a wrong or weak of them, I could not do this entire care myself either. I'm saying that is why home health care is involved in this. I am smart enough to know when something is beyond my skill level.

If D were to have a cognitive disability, and was unable to manage and take control of his own health care, then I guess I would have called in the medical staff myself last July, and who knows if that would even have changed the outcome at all. But when a perfectly cognizant person, who has been handling his own skin care for years, tells you it is under control, I don't know what else I could have done.

If I could talk to these people, I would like to say these things:

1. Expect more problems with D's skin. This is a never ending battle that he will be dealing with the rest of his life. It is unfortunate but likely that he will have another surgery, hospitalization or amputation in the future. It will occur under his watch, my watch and the medical staff's watch. I hope it doesn't, mind you. We will all do our best, but I find it likely to occur in all reality. If you need to be angry at people and blame people, even me...fine, go ahead. BUT YOU ARE GOING TO BE WASTING YOUR LIFE BEING ANGRY ABOUT SOMETHING THAT IS MOSTLY OUT OF ANYONES CONTROL. I pity those who want to spend their life that way. It is not a way to have a relationship with someone who has a chronic illness.
2. Don't jump to conclusions when you have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT.
3. I have my legitimate faults, and you may not even like me and that's ok. But know this: Blaming me for this? That is JUST BEYOND CRUEL.
4. If you really think you can come over to D's everyday and do a better job than me and the entire team of medical staff that have been working on D's skin and health for the last three years, I invite you to get to it. I will personally pay you out of my whole $9/hr. salary. Hell, if you can prevent any wound/infection related hospitalizations in the next five years, I'll give you my dad's house when I inherit it. Want to take me up on that?

Okay, that takes care of that. Not mad anymore about it. Going to bed now.

*CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant) training consists of about 8 weeks of classroom work on basic health care methods and about 100 hours of clinical practice working under the supervision of a nurse. We are not talking advanced degrees here, folks. CNA's make around $8-14/hr.

Back In The 'g'

After re-reading my post on the flushable gDiaper, I thought I sounded lazy, so I kind of decided to try them or cloth again and really commit to getting away from disposables. Then the very friendly Jason and Kim Graham-Nye, the founders of the company, got in touch with me after finding my review on the web and practically counseled me through toilet flushing, diaper cover using 101. I was doing a few things wrong, and I learned a few helpful tips. I guess there is a video on the site, but that doesn't work so well for me.

So we've been using them for a few days now, and just today I went out and bought several more covers. My policy now is going to be "whatever works except disposables." Meaning, I might use cloth in these sometimes if I run out of the flushables and can't get more for a couple of days or if money gets tight for some reason. I might flush these sometimes, and I might trash the insert sometimes. The Graham-Nye's have explained to me (and given me pictorial proof!) that the flushable inserts will biodegrade in just 22 weeks, not 500 years like pure plastic disposables, so I'm not totally cheating if I trash them occasionally.

So, I like the company, I like the people who run it, I like the idea of flushables although it does take some getting used too. I think if you can force yourself through the first few days and get into a rhythm of what system works for you, it will start to seem stupid to use disposables. It's not that hard.

Also I will note here that the lovely figure skater Ms. Sara Skates has offered me a bunch of cloth diapers for my use, so Thanks, Sara...And now I promise to stop talking about diapers.

It's the Health Care, Stupid.

I admire many things about Welfare Mum. The thing I admire most is that she is upfront and real about her financial situation. I think it is brave of her to do that, because she could expose herself to a lot of judgment and negativity. But I think it is important for her to tell her story like it is because she can blow through some people's stereotypes about welfare mothers.

Well, now it's my turn. I'm on me the welfare. Well, technically, I receive Social Security Disability Insurance. This is the disability insurance that you pay FICA for. I also get paid for working for D. I get paid about $9/hr. for 35 hours a week give or take of CNA care. I make just enough (or just not enough) to stay on SSDI. (Ironically, I still pay FICA and taxes through this salary and SSDI) There is one reason right now that I stay on SSDI, health insurance. I get Medicare because I am on SSDI. With my salary and my SSDI check, I have just enough income to be just slightly above the poverty level for a family of 3, which is around $16,000 a year.

I don't like that I am on disability. I never thought that this would be me. I always thought that I could work. I still think I can work. In fact, I think most everyone can work at something. But the fact that I don't like being on disability is not the same as feeling guilty about it or that it is entirely my fault. I've broken no laws, here. I am just a product of the system that I live in in this country. I try to do what I can advocacy and voting wise to change things.

Of course, when I say that I'm a product of the system I live in, I don't mean to imply that I've been this perfect employee with all her shit together, the most amazing deaf/blind person in the country who has an answer for every problem related to my disability. I have not been a perfect employee and I don't have all the answers regarding accommodating my disability. What I mean to say is that despite the fact that I've worked to get through school, accommodate my disability, and do everything possible to make myself employable, one of three things has happened:

1. I was not given a chance to try a job. Employers were put off by my disability and did not want to make accommodations.
2. I sub-performed. This is the hardest for me to admit. There are jobs where I have been slower, missed information, made mistakes. Sometimes I've been in a job where at the beginning I was great because I had all my accommodations in place and then, when my vision/hearing got worse or the job or technology changed, my accommodations no longer worked.
3. Health care got in the way. There are certain jobs I could probably do but either they did not provide health insurance or I could not perform on the job long term due to health reasons.

I feel like I have followed all the rules. I've done my best. I went to school, I went to vocational rehabilitation (several times) I did everything you are supposed to do at job interviews and resumes, etc. I have volunteered as a way to prove my abilities for more hours than are really fair to mention. For a while, it was really the in thing to do as a disabled person to volunteer for paying jobs to prove your worth and then supposedly they would hire you. Guess what? people found that in most cases it didn't work. Employers still kept disabled employees from the "meat" of the job and just used them for hours of free skut work. Now it has become unpopular for people with disabilities to volunteer. Now you are supposed to say, I am worth this salary, damn it! Hire me. But anyway, there is still a 70% unemployment rate among disabled people. Most of whom want to work.

In a perfect world--scratch that--in a world that I think we could make happen if we wanted to, most all disabled people could contribute to society in some way. (And pay at least some taxes, ahem.) People could work part-time if that is all their health would allow and still maintain their health insurance. People could carve out or share a job so that they could do the things they excel at rather than having some parts of the job limit them from working at all. The way it is now, you have to show up to a job interview and be able to match their job description. But what if in certain cases, they matched a job description to you? When I worked at KU as a graduate research assistant in the department of special education, I was given specific duties that allowed me to work a certain number of hours and rarely run into a problem that my disability would limit me. For example, I would do lit searches through the computer, and someone else would do lit searches through the library/microfilm. Then we would write out notes on the computer, and take turns collecting each other's notes and writing out lit reviews.  We had a woman with cognitive disabilities who would go around and do paper shredding/sorting for the whole building. So none of the receptionists ever had to bother with it. There are a million ways that disabled people could work. And work at competitive employment in ways that would use their strengths. But the HR world is not set up that way.

Although the Americans with Disabilities Act prohibits discrimination based on disability and requires that employers provide reasonable accommodations, many employers have found ways to get around this. The law says that people with disabilities have to be able to perform "essential functions" of the job with or without reasonable accommodations. So some employers have set up certain disqualifying essential functions. For example, a job description for a nurse might say something like, "applicant must be able to hear 40dB alarms from a distance of 300 feet." Well, this sounds essential, right? You want your nurse to be able to hear when your heart monitor flatlines, no? But what if the nurse was able to attach a signaling system device to the heart monitor? What if, when a heart monitor went off, a pager vibrated on her person? Then, she would be able to acknowledge that heart monitor and respond from, really, anywhere in the building. Thus making her more efficient than a hearing nurse. So the REAL essential function in that line is something like, "applicant must be able to monitor and respond to alarms and alerts that affect patients health." But in doing it the way that they do, employers discriminate against disabled people by creating an essential function of your body, not an outcome of the job.

But back to me and welfare. I could tell you a long history of my attempts at employment and my successes and failures at employment. Perhaps I will as time goes on. What it comes down to is problems with the aforementioned three items over and over and over again. And when I got pregnant and lost my previous job at about the same time, I got panicked and I got TIRED. Just tired in an emotional way that I have never been before. Tired of the panic, tired of the trying to convince people and convince people to give me a chance. Tired of never being able to earn my dues; everyday it was like I started from scratch and had to prove myself all over again. Nothing I did the day, week, month, year before mattered. I could still screw up today. Tired of everyday, trying to live up to an expectation of being fully sighted and fully hearing that I will never live up to. Tired of busting my brains trying to accommodate and figure out answers for the things I couldn't do as well when no one else was interested in my solutions. Tired, mostly, of the uncertainty. Never knowing if I was going to have health insurance from one month to the next. Never knowing if I was doing as well as my colleagues or if I was being given a free ride. Never knowing if I could cut it.

I lost my job for a number of reasons. I had worked there for five years and have had between one and five or so hospitalizations for mostly kidney stuff every year. D's health was constantly getting in the way of my job and I was missing work for him. It's one of those things where I was constantly in the position of, "gee, should I stay here and save his life and get him to the hospital or should I go to work and sit in a meeting that has nothing to do with me?" Then, my mother was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. And my hearing and vision HAD worsened and I did not have the proper computer technology to keep up. I took way to long to complete things. Then, the last straw was that my whole department disintegrated and the top people moved to a different university and took only a few of the research staff with them. I was not chosen to go along. I don't feel bad about being let go...I mean, I'm not mad at them, I don't blame them. I blame me a bit, but then I really don't know what I could have done differently when I think back on it.

So all this happened, I became pregnant, and I got tired. I applied for SSDI and was quickly accepted. Now, you can criticize me for getting pregnant when my job was at such an uncertain level, and that would be a fair criticism. But being a parent was a lifelong dream and my opportunities to fulfill it were becoming almost nil. Jobs and money may come and go, but parenting can only happen once (in my case.)

And I knew that I would be more secure, health care wise, money wise, and the kids would be more secure on SSDI than on trying to find work. I knew I needed a rest. Physically and mentally at that point, I was at a loss and could not seem to pick myself up and get myself in a state to prove to some employer that I was worthy of a chance. This was the kind of emotional drain and tiredness I'd never felt before. A hospital shrink of D's listened to me once when D was in the hospital and said I had what sounded like post traumatic stress syndrome. And I said, well, I guess the trauma is the slow, torturous, never-ending fingernails on chalkboard kind.

I remember sitting in the Social Security office and applying. It was one of the most miserable days of my life. My kidney hurt so much that I couldn't stay seated in the chair, I kept having to get up and stretch it out. My mother was extremely ill, the office was dark and dingy, and I had filled out pages and pages of paperwork and sent them in before hand but they had lost them, so what was supposed to be a ten minute interview turned into a two hour application process. And those people are always so accusatory. I remember the woman saying, "oh, you had a GOOD job, you made a REAL salary. You couldn't keep it up, huh?"

I was never worried about living on not very much money with the kids. Well, I shouldn't say NEVER. But I knew I could live around poverty level and give the kids everything they needed. (NOT wanted, but needed.) Being poor is not that hard, it is just being poor when every one around you isn't that is hard. And I am also well aware that I am not poor in the grand sense. I am extremely lucky to live in my father's very nice house for below market rent. ($600) I am extremely lucky to live in the United States where my kind of poor is really a misnomer. I am rich beyond measure compared to those that live elsewhere in the world. So that is not hard. I've lived much poorer than this. In college, I existed on around $400 a month quite adequately. Although when student teaching (and thus not working much) I did visit a soup kitchen a few times on some desperately hungry days. This is not that.

As far as the future goes, I'm getting over being tired. I'm getting rested and do think a lot about working again. My new reality is that childcare for young twins is more expensive than I ever imagined and I might have to wait until they are school-aged to really, really get going. But right now, to keep my health insurance, I might be able to do a bit of contract work at home.

And I want to say here, if you take anything from this...even if you think I"m a total loser for staying at home and being a welfare mom, take away this: Many, many disabled people could work if they were able to keep their medical insurance and other life-sustaining benefits while working. If we had universal health care, I would likely be working at least part-time right now. If D could keep his health care and home health services, he could be working right now. Many disabled people have extremely high health care costs and needs. With discrimination from employers who often do not want to hire someone because they fear it will make their premiums rise (and, truthfully, it might), and pre-existing conditions and super high costs keeping people from being able to qualify or purchase their own insurance, the only thing left for disabled people to do is to go on SSDI and medicare/medicaid. Here is the thing: you all are paying for us now, if we could go to work and keep our health care, we could at least pay something into the system. We might not break even with our expenses, but some of us would and all of us would make a dent in the costs. Sounds better than what you are paying for us, now, doesn't it?

It always interests me that it seems like the same people who resent the government for requiring that employers provide accommodations for the disabled are the same people who are against SSDI and state funded health care. So if we can't work, and we can't be on SSDI, I guess you want us dying in the streets? Oh, yeah, those are the same people who also don't like homeless people.

I think, that I can promise you, Joe Taxpayer, that although I am a product of this system right now as a SSDI recipient, I WILL keep trying to work, and I WILL keep trying to advocate for legislation that will help people with disabilities go to work. I will not do this at the expense of my health nor my family's health. And this is the BEST I can do.

The Great Flushable Diaper Experiment

I had big plans to use cloth diapers before the kids were born. But then I bought an emergency pack of Huggies, and then I got overwhelmed with parenting and just kept buying the Huggies. But I've been feeling quite guilty about it. We started out using 16 or so diapers a day, and now use about 8 a day. Lots of tonnage of diapers go out to landfills every week in the trash around here.

So a friend from church convinced me to try gDiapers, a flushable diaper product. It has a washable cloth cover and snap-in plastic liner which is similar to what you would use with cloth. Then it has a flushable insert to absorb everything.

What is the stick, you ask? That is your "swish stick" that you use to swish around the flushable insert in the toilet. So today was our experiment day. I bought a starter pack seen above that has two cloth diaper covers, four snap-in plastic liners and ten flushable inserts. That is enough for one day for us. They are in them right now, so we will see how they last overnight.

So far, the cloth cover is soft and fits snug. The inserts are way too big to just put in the cover, they are about twice the size. I tried to fold it over in the front (for boys, as they say) and it eventually got all scrunched down in the crotch. There is a plastic snap in liner inside the cloth cover, so nothing leaked and the inserts do seem to absorb a lot. I was worried about re-using the covers, like they would be wet around the edges and yucky to put back on the kids, but they kept dry and clean. The next time I did not fold the insert down in front, I just shoved the corners in and it was just bulky in the middle. This seemed to work better, but it does make your kids have enormous little bums. The kids seemed not to notice nor care about the different diaper system, so I guess it is plenty comfortable.

No, they aren't on backwards; they actually do fastened in the back with velcro. Putting them backwards is a good idea because my kids will sometimes play with the front tabs on the disposables and take them off.

One thing that is good about flushing is that you get rid of the odor in your house. I am anti-diaper genie, because making little diaper sausages encased in plastic just seems even worse for the environment. I dispose of my diapers in just a regular pail with an air freshener nearby, but I know there is always odor. Flushing takes care of that problem.

Now, the problems:

Okay, so the flushing is a pain. I say this knowing full well that if you want to get away from putting disposables in a landfill, you are going to have to compromise on convenience. They suggest you move your diaper table into your bathroom so you'll be right there, but my bathroom is not big enough. So I essentially have to diaper two kids and then sort of set the dirty flush-able to the side and come back later to flush it. You can't just drop it in the toilet, you have to rip open the outer covering and dump out the inner filler into the toilet. Then you use the swishstick to sort of break that up, and then you drop in the rest. Number 2 material seems to just sit on the outside of the covering and you have to dump that in as well. It clogged my toilet the first time I did it. I ended up flushing four times to get two inserts down. The next time I  really, really swished and let it sit for a moment and disintegrate before I flushed, and this time there were no clogs, but it took forever. I always usually diaper the kids on a schedule right before they eat one after the other. (Unless there is a major blowout, then that is an extra time). So, it is hard to schedule in time to do all this flushing when the kids are ready to eat and I'm rushing around with them.

The other problem is that the flush-able inserts come 32 to a pack for about $15. This will only last me four days and the Huggies are way cheaper when I buy in bulk. Though I suppose way more costly to the environment.

The flushing is the major drawback, but it might be easier than washing a bunch of cloth diapers. Flushing uses water, no detergent, and puts biohazardous waste where it belongs, instead of a landfill. I think this would be a lot easier to use with only one baby, but I say that about everything, don't I? Also,  if you could manage to change the baby in your bathroom and flush right there, that would be a major plus.

I guess these are popular in Australia, but just hitting the market in the U.S. I have only found them at my local natural foods store. For me, with twins and with the fact that I don't drive, the 32 pack business is a bit scary. My store only has one or two packs in stock, and that is only four to eight days worth for me. So I'd be panicked that I would always be running out with no means to get more.

On the plus side for me, I think it gave me a little more idea of what using cloth diapers would be like. A good compromise for me might be a diaper service. There is the whole detergents vs. landfill controversy, but to me, cloth diapers seem to make more sense environmentally. Also, now that the kids are older, they need to probably start feeling the difference between wet and dry a bit more. Cloth diapers make sense in that department as well.

As for gDiapers, it is a good idea and might be an answer for some families, but I don't think I can hack the flushing process. But I really like the diaper covers, and might consider using them with cloth. Try them if you think this might be a good, environmentally sound option for you. They are available online at the gDiapers site.

Overnight Update: Naim's diaper made it through the night just fine. Aaron's flushable got all dis-arranged and bunched up and caused a big leaky mess. As far as effectiveness and convenience, nothing tops disposables. But I still might try cloth...next week, after I do all this laundry from this week's experiment.

5/2/05 Update: I've written an update here, since this post has gotten so many hits from people searching out diaper options.

Paranoid Mommy Ramblings

I have to do my little re-assessment of how things are going with the kids every three months, if you remember. This time, things kind of made me feel bad.

When I got back from my Thanksgiving trip, I had to take the kids in to WIC for their every six month check-up. I've decided that once the kids get off formula, I am going to get off of WIC, but I'll actually miss these little check-ups, because they are more informative than my pediatrician. I'm contemplating staying in WIC for the check-ups and info and just not using the vouchers. But I don't know if you can do that.

Anyway, the kids had been sick and for some reason didn't drink much on the trip. WIC found them to be anemic and had actually dropped off the growth chart, after consistently following the 10%ile to 20%ile arc, they dropped off the arc totally. I was quite shocked and upset by this, but I'm glad I went in. I had not seen the ped since they were ten months and had not seen our county health nurse since 11 months, so all this happened in the last four weeks. So they gave them 2 additional months of formula. That's good, but man, I was looking forward to being done with formula. Now I think we'll be doing formula until about mid February.

They also wanted me to add cottage cheese, yogurt, and more real meat to their diet. WIC expects you to make your own baby food. I have to admit that I go back and forth between making my own food and using the jars. In the past few weeks and while traveling, its been all jars. Naim is doing pretty well with eating more textured foods, but Aaron likes to slurp the slop still. Naim will eat whole blueberries, peas, really-ground beef, etc. Aaron acts like I'm trying to kill him and spits it all out and cries. So it is hard, because you want to make sure they eat something so they don't lose weight, but you also want to push the solids. Its a bit of a balance. So I'm trying to really be dedicated to feeding them real food and not relying on the jars. The other day, all three of us shared a straight banana. No pureeing, didn't even chop it up. Tonight, Aaron did better than Naim when eating small bits of cantaloupe, so he is improving. I just have to keep at it.

On their birthday, D and I took them to the Children's Museum. They played in the "Waterworks" and in a digging pit (filled with little rubber pellets) and in a "Baby Garden," which had all sorts of (fake) tree trunks to crawl around in and (fake) flowers off all different colors and textures to play with. There was another little girl there that was a lot bigger than my guys and could do everything they could do. I asked the mom how old she was and she said NINE MONTHS! Oh, my god!

It's not so much that I worry about them having something wrong with them, like they are slow or whatever, I know there is a preemie component to this. But I think there is also a twin/single mom component as well, and that makes me feel bad. I feel like I can't give each of them the individual attention that they need, and that I can't get them out enough to interact with others. They were so shy around the other babies and the other babies were way more social. They were also so in awe of everything at the children's museum that they could barely move!

I've been looking for some way to get them out and around other children on a somewhat regular basis. I've applied for early head start, which would take them for a couple of hours two days a week, but I don't think I'm going to get in because my income is too high and there is a waiting list. I looked into gymboree classes, but they are far away and cost like $175 for one hour a week for four weeks! There is a Waldorf school that has a program that might work well for them but they have to be 18 months old. So now I'm looking at an indoor playground that my local parks and rec offers for just $2/hour. I'd have to take the bus with them, which I've been too wimpy to do, but I guess I could try. I was really hoping to wait until they could walk to take the bus so at least I could set one down on his feet for a second, but I think we need to just get out. It actually might speed up their walking. Aaron is walking with the walker wagon, but it is a pain to steer and we really don't have that much space in the house for him to get a good walk with it. He goes a few feet, runs into something and can't get going again, and then gets frustrated. Naim stands and cruises along furniture but has no interest in walking. He crawls like a bat out of hell so I think he doesn't see the point.

The county health nurse came on their birthday and did their one year developmental assessment. They are still behind in language. This is also a twin thing. I talk to them all day long, but I don't get a whole lot of that individual talking time with either of them and it really makes a difference. I read in a twin book that the way to get twins going on language is to find a preschool program and alternate days with who goes. So Monday, Aaron would go and Naim would stay with me, then Tuesday, Naim would go and Aaron would stay. Takes some of the fun out of getting your kids off to preschool so you get the house to yourself! But, I can see how this would work well. The few minutes here and there I get to spend with just one child, it is just a huge difference in the quality of the interaction. Their concentration is better, they are more focused, they can finish something before getting interrupted. They can get affection from me without the other one coming over to climb me. It's interesting.

One thing I've started doing is to stop being so lazy when running errands with them. A lot of times, D and I will run errands together. And rather than unload all four of us from the car, D will stay in the car with the kids while I go in. Well, sometimes this means they sit in the car for a couple of hours a stretch. I've decided this isn't good enough. So today, we ran errands and I took Aaron in to the Petsmart alone while Naim stayed in the car. Do you realize how EASY it is to go places with just ONE CHILD? My gosh. I could just grab him out of the car seat, carry him to the store and plop him in the shopping cart. With just me and him, we looked at the cats and the birds and the fish and the guinea pigs, and some people's dogs. It was great. Then I took Naim to New Seasons and we looked at and touched the vegetables and fruits and talked to people in line and he saw that I actually get his cereal from somewhere other than the cupboard. I think if I can somehow plan to have some time with just each of them, we could pick up some language skills. The nurse said that by 12 months they are supposed to be saying SIX words? Does that sound right? Mine don't consistently say any, but if I use my imagination and prompt Naim, he will say "all done." Aaron calls EVERYTHING "daddy" now, so I guess that's something.

We've been watching "baby Einstein" videos before bed, now. I know everyone else reads books at bedtime, but they seem to get too excited over books, so that happens during the daytime. Baby Einstein videos seem to relax them. Naim likes to sit on my lap and rock back and forth to the music. Aaron cannot sit still for a whole video (about 30 minutes) so he watches and then plays for a little bit and then watches and then hangs on me for a while and then plays and then watches. The videos drive me batty, but I think they are actually teaching Naim some language. He will point to his feet now after seeing it on the videos. So its coming along, they show me something new almost everyday. I'm not really worried about it per se, just worried that I am providing enough opportunity for them.

I Un-Posted

Those of you who left comments on my last post, I did get them. I decided to delete the post because, well, whenever I start saying phrases like "plum bat-shit crazy," nothing good can become of it; even if it's...you know...true.

Thanks for the supportive comments, though.