Aunt Lisa Gets a Clue

Sorry, kids...I know it's been a while. I had to prepare for a trip, go on a trip, and recover from a trip. Not to mention some router troubles along the way. So I'm behind on writing and reading what has been going on in everyone's lives as of late.

But despite some fevers and snotty noses, the trip to Northern California went really well and was a very good time. Aaron woke up warm last Wednesday, but he runs a bit hot and that morning his room was just scorching for some reason. By three hours into the trip, I knew he had a fever. But he was getting lots of fluid and sleeping in the car was probably a good thing for him to be doing.

I am not one of those mothers who goes crazy over fevers. (Unless they are really high and last more that a day or so.) I don't medicate unless the kid is so miserable that he can't rest well. Fever is what fights infection so lowering it with Tylenol or whatever just makes the infection last longer. By that night, his fever was 101.8 and he'd had a long day so I gave him some Tylenol so he would get a good night's sleep.

We had a nice hotel room with two rooms. A larger one with a king sized bed for me and D and then a smaller living area where the hotel put the two cribs, which were exactly like the portable crib that they alternate in at home so they seemed pretty comfortable with it and did not have too much problem sleeping. Aaron woke up a few times screaming his lungs out, but that might have been due to being sick as well. Usually a little back rub would put him back to sleep. It was nice to have the two rooms so D and I could get stuff done without waking them up.

We had a really nice time with D's sister's family. Thanksgiving was low-key and comfortable. Good food but not too fancy. Good wine but no one getting obnoxiously drunk. I worried a bit about the kids having things to do with the lack of toys, but I shouldn't have, because Aunt V. made it practically Christmas for them. She bought them a little ride-on car and a cute little tiny rocking horse and a book and two Sesame Street stuffed animals. Also, two outfits. She also had a tub of toys from when her boys were little. So the kids had MORE than enough to do. Her house was really open and bright so they could go everywhere and you could keep track of them. Uncle R. played with them a lot and I think was a little partial to Naim, but Naim was being a total show-off while Aaron stayed pretty close to me. Aaron was pretty good but was not as smiley as usual because of his cold.

I made an attempt to feed the kids their first Thanksgiving Dinner. I fed them some potatoes and some stuffing and mushed up yams. They were doing okay until...Naim choked on a mashed potato??? and threw-up big projectile vomit all over his front and into every crevasse of his car seat that he was sitting in. Of course we will remind him of this every thanksgiving for the rest of his life.

On Friday, R. and D and me and nephew R went driving while V watched the kids. We went to look at some property that R is developing. He is some sort of real estate agent, appraiser, developer type guy. They own about 50 acres in a really pretty mountain area. The fun part was that we went in his 4 wheel drive truck and went off road to see the property. We went back into thick forested areas and in hills and went along old growth forest that borders the property. The views were great and I was glad to see that they are not going to clear cut and develop, they are only taking down some of the trees and brush. I was a little worried that D would not like the off roading part because it would affect his pain levels, but he liked it. It is nice to have a couple of guys around who can throw him into a truck. He always has to be in his own van, usually.

Have you ever had to meet someone who you've heard negative stuff about for years and years? I had only met R briefly before, but I had heard years worth of negative stuff about him. I am pretty good about just making up my own mind and taking people for what they are worth, so I wasn't too concerned about it. But I conducted my own little psychology experiment while we were driving around. I was listening to R and D talk, and I tried to listen from the perspective of people who had told me the negative things. If you come at it that way, you can make everything he says sound bad. Then, I tried listening to him from the perspective of an old colleague of mine named Dean, who I know would totally love this guy, and everything he said sounded really cool. Then I just listened to him from my own perspective. And I think doing this helped me be more objective. He's not a bad guy. He's made decisions that I don't know that I would make, but that's because he is a different person than me and its not like it's his job to make decisions that I agree with. I think a lot of times what happens in in-law relations is that the biologically related family member is making decisions that the family disagrees with, but it is just easier to blame it on the in-law so they don't have to accept that their biological family member has their own mind that may differ from the family way of thinking.

In any case, I was just glad that D had someone to talk to who thinks like him. It's not just anywhere that you can find a guy who has read "The Twelfth Planet" and can converse with you about math and science in a truly deeper level. I can listen to D and talk about these things, Quantum Physics, the Elegant Universe, alternative archaeological histories, etc. but it is more him teaching me what he has read, I can't get into it to the point where I'm studying it on my own. With R, they can meet on a level where they have both read and researched these topics. R is very, extremely well read and he thinks. I was glad to see D have someone who can relate with.

On Saturday, V drove us around and showed us the town and where they used to live and where the kids went to school, etc. She reminded me of how my mother used to reminisce about the things she used to do with us when we were kids. I love small towns. D and I always talk about moving out of PDX and going smaller. Getting a ranch house where we can all live together and where there is land and space. We think about Corvallis, OR a lot, but it is always interesting to check out little towns, the schools and the libraries are just so cute. There was an open air ice skating rink in a park with mountain views. I'm a sucker for a skating rink. I used to skate a lot and hope to go back to it and even let the kids try it when they are older. This was a gorgeous place to skate in.

Then, everyone went back to our hotel and V and I took the boys swimming in the indoor, heated hotel pool. She bought some of those little swimming diapers and they work pretty well. Swimming was really fun with the kids. After a few minutes of getting used to the water, they were totally relaxed and were splashing around. D took lots of video. Not sure I want to see myself on tape in a swimsuit, so hopefully he focused on the babies. They had fun.

Inevitably, it had to happen. On Sunday on the drive back, both Naim and I got sick. He was so miserable that I broke down and Tylenol-ed him. After about 8 hours in the car, I was going to let them play for a while even though it was past their bedtime, but they both cried and cried when we got home and so I just ended up putting them to bed. Yesterday, we all three kept it low-key and just slept a lot. Today, they are doing much better and I am still a bit sick but should be okay by tomorrow, I think.

I'm really glad we went. It was a lot of work for me, but it also was not only good for the kids but for me as well. My back, which has been hurting since before I gave birth, improved dramatically on this trip. I'm not sure why, maybe because I'm so used to carrying everything and on this trip there was always someone there offering to carry a baby or a bag or whatever. My back got a well-deserved rest. Also, as I've alluded to before, there has been some tension in some relationships in the family, and although we didn't talk about it much, I gained some perspective about the whole deal. Just seeing R's attitude about it in his own case made me sort of see how to rise above it, don't let it bother me, don't let it interfere with D's relationships with the family, and just move on with our kids, which is the important thing. I've decided that although I don't want to make things difficult for anyone, it is okay to say, "I don't care." I've done what I can do, I've kept to my center, its time to go on with what is important.

Which brings me to another point that I discovered on this trip. I think I've screwed up and missed an opportunity to be an aunt to these kids of V's. Because of the way D and I have developed our relationship, there never was sort of a day (like a wedding or birth or whatever) when I officially thought of these two young men as my nephews. But they really are, and I've watched them grow up although sporadically, I've known them for ten or eleven years. But I never got to know them well, and I always considered Christmas's and birthdays and graduations something that was D's responsibility. Well, first of all, D is not good at remembering birthdays and graduations, and second of all, I should have helped him remember. I should have taken it upon myself to do something for them with D and taken the initiative. They are nice boys, I suppose its never too late, but I wish I would have realized that I could have played even a small role in their lives earlier. Let them know that D and I do think about them and we do care.

I am the one who always preaches about chosen families being more important than biological ties. I should have seen that I could have acted on this earlier than now. I have never understood why some people put such an emphasis on biological factors in family relationships. There are people who may not accept the fact that our children are not biologically related to D. Or people who think that adopted children are somehow less of a daughter or son that biological. I don't understand this. I think of my sister, for example, someone who is biologically related to me. I have a relationship with her because I choose to. If we were not related, we would probably not be friends. We are very different. But the fact that I choose to have a relationship with her is not because we share DNA, it is because we have a common history. We grew up together. I have good memories of my childhood with her. There are things that only she knows about our family life. She is the main connection I have to my late mother. All of these things are because of shared experiences, not because we are biologically related. If she or I were adopted, we would still share these things. D and my children, though not biologically related to D, will share experiences with D and other family members that tie them together. The DNA factor is a done deal that took place over a year ago. And even that was a decision that D and I made together over many long discussions and doctor visits over many years. Now, it is all about the life we make for ourselves. The life he chose, the life I chose, the life the kids will choose.

It warms my heart when I hear his sister refer to herself as "Aunt V." Now I will start thinking of myself as Aunt Lisa.

Comments

[Alexandra]

Great to read about your trip and have you back blogging. Happy belated Thanksgiving, Aunt Lisa!

[cluttergirl]

What a great entry. That is so cool that Aunt V and her family have so welcomed your kids, and that there is opportunity to be Aunt Lisa. I am so glad this visit was good for you all. And yes, as evidenced by your back. Backs really respond to lowered stress levels, being helped out, and generally good times. :D