As promised, here is the story of my babies' father's journey into fatherhood as best as I can tell it without being him.
I think I always knew I wanted children from as long as I can remember. I knew it in a very real, concrete way. I knew that someday I would have children. D was more abstract. "I want children someday," he would say, but with no real idea of when that someday would be. Over the years, we explored the idea of parenthood together. We talked to doctors about the possibility of doing sperm extraction from him and then doing an ICSI procedure and IVF. That would be D's best chance of having biological children. We talked of adoption. We talked of me having children and him adopting them. We explored different things off and on through the years.
As often happens, my biological clock started ticking a little faster when I hit my 30's and not only that, but I didn't want to be an older parent. I told D that I was going to look into adoption seriously and figure out how to have a child before I was 35. D was very supportive in my goal. But it was clear that it was my goal, directed by me. In the end of 2001-beginning of 2002, I had a job, I made decent money, I was ready to go. I decided to be a single mother by choice. D was very supportive and wanted to be involved in the process and participate in my child's life, but didn't see himself as being "the father." We had decided that ICSI was too dangerous and expensive for us anyway, so I decided that I wanted to try donor insemination. I went through the required counseling, got all the tests, went to meetings of the Single Mothers by Choice groups. I was ready to start shoppin' for sperm.
Let me just say that shopping for sperm is a bazaar task. Yes, I did most of it over the Internet. Once I was looking at a site where little sperm would float around and follow your mouse icon. D and I laughed our asses off at this. The process was mine, but D participated. I would show him different potential donors and he would comment about what characteristics I would look for. He started showing interest in donors that had stats like himself. Eastern European backgrounds, physics, engineering, mathematics majors, cross country runners, musicians, military backgrounds, etc. all got D's vote. At first, I was looking for donors with characteristics that I lack, which happened to be mathematics majors, cross country runners, musicians, etc. It started making sense to find a donor that had a lot in common with D. I would like D to have been the father of my children, I like his characteristics. In the end, you can't get too bogged down with the decision because there are so many choices and you don't want to seem like you are going for a eugenically superior human being. You just want a healthy child. We picked someone we were comfortable with and then I became the proud owner of 48 million sperm.
Shortly after purchasing the sperm and putting them in storage at my reproductive endocrinologist's lab (no, not in my fridge) we were again into our crisis mode. My mother was dying and I had found out that I had a fertility issue of my own. I put baby making on hold and spent time supporting my mother. People have asked me why I waited till right after my mother died to have kids. I really didn't want too. I would have loved to have had her see my kids, even if it would have only been for a few months, but it just couldn't be worked out. During my mother's illness, I was diagnosed with Stein-Leventhal Syndrome and uterine cysts. I would have to have surgery and it would be unlikely that I could get pregnant. I had surgery to clear up the cysts, was put on a diabetic diet, and started taking medication to regulate my cycles. I had put baby making on hold.
In spring of 2004, I had to decide what to do with the sperm. My storage time had expired. Should I pay for more storage time in the lab? Should I get rid of them? Should I use them? It was a hard decision because each had it's financial and emotional price tags. Also at this time, I was getting ready to change insurance providers. I went around to all my doctors one last time on my old insurance. I asked each doctor what they thought I should do with the sperm. Would it be safe for me to have children, would I be wasting my money even trying, should I wait any longer? All of them said, they did not know if I could get pregnant, but that if I did, it would be safer for me to do it sooner rather than later. So I talked to D about it, and I decided to go for trying to inseminate.
I asked D if he wanted to go with me to my fertility appointments just for support. I didn't know if he would be interested in doing the gynecological thing with me. But he said, of course he wanted to go. He went with me, held my hand and stayed with me for each of my 2 inseminations. He also went to ultrasounds, follow-ups, everything except a few minor lab work appointments. I didn't even have to ask, he wanted to go.
And he wanted me to get pregnant. He would hold his hands on my stomach and say prayers to the baby gods and try to give positive energy to my uterus. It was really cute. We would make jokes with the doctors (Isn't this romantic, Doc? Best sex EVER!), and afterwords we would go out and celebrate, me not drinking "just in case." The doctors office was in a really pretty section of downtown and we would walk along the river walk afterwords. It really was a fun, special and dare I say, intimate time.
He kept me calm during the dreaded two-week wait, and he was the one who told me, "I think you're pregnant." He had a smile of both surprise and joy on his face when he looked at the little blue strip with me. During the next couple of weeks, I did blood tests and he learned with me all about what the results meant.
He knew, as I wrote before, about the twins before I did. I remember just crying on the exam table after the doctors left. He put his hands on my knees and said, "You can do this. I know you can. This is good news." This was at five weeks and this was a scary few days for me until we got used to the idea and got a handle on ourselves. After that we got transferred to the perinatologist that would deliver the babies. I remember at our intake appointment they started asking about his health history, assuming he was the father. He looked at me like he didn't know what to say. I said, "D is not the biological father of the children. They are from donor sperm." Then he immediately said, "but I will be involved in their lives."
We had fun going to the peri appointments. We were famous there. Everyone was supportive and thought we were a great team. They knew our whole story. Doctors we didn't even know came up to us and asked about us. D was fascinated with all the ultrasounds and would describe everything to me. I would be all uncomfortable on the table and I couldn't see or hear anything and he would be all excited and be giving me the play by play. I really think the kid's became his through the ultrasound pictures. They became real to him and he became attached to them.
He went to my birth classes with me and when the nurse asked us if we would need special accommodations for the birth, D asked for a hospital bed (rather than the standard father cot that he would have trouble getting into) so that he could stay with me in the hospital. I never imagined that he would stay all night, but he wanted too.
At some point along the road, I was thinking about putting together a will and choosing someone to take the children should I die. I was also looking into how I wanted to fill out the birth certificates. I brought up leaving the children to him, but was concerned that if I died when they were too young, he would not be able to care for them himself. We talked through different options, and at some point he asked me if he could be put on the birth certificate. I said I didn't know, but we could look into that. I also said that I didn't want to put him on the birth certificate for convenience or legal sake. If I could put him down, and that is what he wanted, then he would become the father with all of the rights and responsibilities. We both agreed to think about this and do some research, and keep discussing it.
I found that because the donor had already given up his parental rights, I could legally name D as the father on the birth certificate. We would both have to sign affidavits to this effect. (I know this must seem so easy to those who have dealt with same sex parenting. Not fair, I know.)
Things were going along fine until I got this really nasty nose bleed one morning and then started seeing blood in my eye. D was there to take me to the hospital, be with me during surgery and about a million follow-up appointments. I remember when he drove me home from the hospital following my surgery, I had given him one of those hospital vomit pans to put in the van. I was feeling really nauseous when we were driving. I said, "Where is my pan?" He said, "I put it in the back seat." I looked at him and went, "WHA--" BLAAAT!!! I threw up big and nasty awful horrible projectile vomit all over the car. It was SOO BAD. And he just started laughing. And I was so sick, that when we went home, his poor father (God Bless His Soul) cleaned all that awful throw-up out of the car.
I was on bed-rest by then and stayed with D. He would make me tea and set up his computer so I could listen to the radio on it. (I couldn't see anything at this point.) The day after my surgery, I had to go to the peri and I was so sick and miserable and couldn't see anything, and didn't know if I would be able to again. I knew I was going to walk into an ultrasound and not see my babies, and not see them when they were born. When we got into the ultrasound room, I just burst into tears. The poor U/S tech said, "Aaw, are you sick of being pregnant?" and I cried, "No, I'm sick of being blind!" And she hugged me. I remember hearing D's calm voice explain to her what was going on. It comforted me that I didn't have to explain myself.
When it was decided that I would have to have a C-section at 35 weeks, D drove me to the hospital as I was having contractions. I remember him getting into a very heavy discussion with himself about where to park at the hospital and we were already late. I was like, "JUST PARK THE DAMNED CAR!"
They prepped me for surgery while they prepped him out in the hall. I remember feeling really pinned down from the epidural, and really into the zone I go into when I have surgeries or medical things done where I just check out. Then he came in and said, "I'm here." and put his hand on my arm. Suddenly it was like, Oh, this is really happening! They let D in so I must be having babies.
Within a very few minutes, I felt a tug as Naim was pulled out of me, I wasn't sure when babies were coming out, so I didn't know what was happening till I heard him cry. It hit me with such force and such joy to hear him cry. It made it all so real. I remember D saying, "Do you hear him? Do you hear your baby?" I could tell by his voice that he was crying. Then I felt this distinctly. I literally felt Aaron fall into the lower part of my uterus and could feel his body parts as he was pulled out. Immediately I heard two babies crying. I was just so overjoyed and relieved because they were crying in unison and I hadn't killed either of them with this whole eye business.
They took D off to the side and the nurses were talking to him and showing him the babies and letting them hold them and I could hear the excitement in his voice. A nurse came over to me and said, "Daddy's got the babies and he's crying. They all look beautiful together." Then he came back to me and they brought me the babies. He was telling them to hold them up to my left eye because I could still see a bit out of my left eye. They pressed my babies up to my face one by one and I could smell their sweetness and feel how incredibly soft they were. Then they took them off and D went with them while they finished me up. I was so glad that D would be going with them because I felt so sick.
We had a wonderful set up in the hospital. We had a huge suite and it was totally accessible for D. They gave him his own hospital bed next to mine and we put the babies in the middle. He stayed with me the whole time for six nights while I was there.
I couldn't fill out all the paperwork because of my vision so D did it for me. We discussed the birth certificate and he said he wanted to be the father, so that is how he filled them out. I wasn't sure it was right until he went to run an errand for me with a friend of his and when he came back, he was very upset and crying. When I asked what's wrong, he said, "I've just been through this amazing experience all this pregnancy and all week with the babies, and he didn't even ask me anything about it or acknowledge it. People don't know I'm their father." I said that the way we did it would be hard for people to realize but in time when they see you with the kids, they'll get it.
And I think that has been true. D's love for and dedication to the children is palpable just by watching him with them. He'd never been around children much and was unsure about his skills, but has never been more motivated to learn and to try new things with them and work with his disability and their care. He is excited to witness their every development and is always on top of their progress and needs. You can hardly have a conversation with him when he is holding one because he is so into talking to the baby he ignores you. They adore him and I think that their relationship will just continue to grow and grow.
It occurred to me that this blog had a bit of unfortunate timing because soon after starting it, D and I had to deal with the Amazing Disappearing Foot Stunt of 2005, which was a stressor for both of us and put me in a bit of a funk about my relationship with D. However, I know that we all make mistakes and D will recover and learn from this one. He got home yesterday and I took the kids to visit him today. It was wonderful to see them together again without the confines of the hospital. I think that now things will get back on track.
I still technically consider myself a single mother by choice, however, I think I'm fortunate enough to get to be a single mother with bells and whistles and gravy and frosting on top. D's relationship with the children and his decision to be their father can only add to their lives and make it all the richer for them. We are all lucky to have him.
