I don't want to go into a rampage and speak badly of the relatives, here. But there is a big problem interfering with D's success and I need to vent a bit about it. But I will use the rule of Dooce, and not blog anything that I haven't already said to the person's face.
It is a complicated situation with D's parents. They mean well, they love him, they are good people...but they are a huge roadblock to his getting his life on track and they don't get it at all. To be clear, I'm not blaming them for D's problem of letting his life get out of control to the point where it has severely damaged his health, that is on him. But they are enablers in the situation big time and it has become a very codependent relationship that has a very heavy price tag.
Parenting is all about the slow relinquishing of control of our children. Guiding them to independence and then just letting them become who they are. We do not own them, they are not ours. We are only blessed with temporarily being responsible for them and shepherding them to adulthood. It is very hard to do this at just the perfect rate that doesn't give the child too much responsibility too early, nor hold them back for too long. No one does this perfectly, but by the time the child is somewhere in lets say his/her early twenties (in our culture at least) it is time to relinquish control and responsibility completely, and let our relationship evolve into a more equitable one.
I came from a family where I probably had a little more responsibility too early. Although at times this was hard, I did become very independent and resourceful. In D's family, it is very different. When D was 17, he had a car accident. When most kids were enjoying their senior year with the new independence of driving, picking out colleges and majors, preparing to live out on their own and get a job and/or an education, growing up...D was thrown instantly back into infancy. His parents had to wipe his nose, help him with his bathroom needs, help him start his life all over again. Slowly, D began to get control over his own life. He went to college in Kansas and then in Oregon. When I met him at age 19, two years after his accident, he was a little behind on his independence. It was understandable, and over the years (especially when he moved to Oregon), he gained control over his life and grew up. He was doing quite well, and then he hit a glitch.
He took an internship in Portland the year before what would have been his senior year. He became very sick from a pressure wound (this one, not his fault. More like a rookie mistake on every body's part). He lost his job, he didn't have the money to go back to school, he became so sick that he really didn't have the wherewithal to manage his own health.
At this time, his parents had retired and decided to move up here from Kansas. I stepped in and organized what we sort of jokingly called "the intervention" and we spent the next year, with his parents help, getting him back on track. He got better health-wise, went back to school, and seemed to be doing OK, but he never seemed to gain back his independence again totally. He seemed to regress into that child who needs his parents.
And his dad ate it up. At this time, I was in my own zone dealing with job woes and my mother's illness and death. I laid around the house a lot and was out of town a lot. D's father came over and would clean the kitchen, bring us sandwiches and food, take D's van to get a tune-up, all kinds of little things. At first I thought this was harmless and the old guy was helping us out. I was under the impression that he enjoyed coming over and doing stuff because, as a newly retired guy in a new city, he was still finding his way in his new life and needed some busywork to feel useful. Sometimes I felt ashamed that he was doing so much for us, but D assured me that he enjoyed it and I was too unable to just accept a nice man's help. So I loosened up and didn't worry too much about it.
But then, the shit hit the fan. When we told them we were pregnant, they flew off the handle. They both acted like we had selfishly put forth a huge additional burden that they would have to take care of. They thought they would have to raise our children. They brought up everything they had ever done for us, as if we couldn't have gotten along without them. It was a tricky situation. How do you tell someone that you appreciate their help, but that you could have totally done without it?
D's dad Tells stories. Lots of stories. Some of them are quite entertaining, and some of them I've heard 85,000 times. But that is him and I can deal with that. But I started to notice with some amusement about ten years ago that in all of his stories, he is the STAR! He is the saving grace, the rescuer, the hero of the day. You know he's self promoting and that these stories are tall tales, but you just laugh and go along with him.
Then I realized, he needs to be the STAR. He needs to be the hero, the rescuer and the savior. In his career in the marine corps, he was the hero, in his second career working for a state agency, he was the hero. Now, with no job to be the hero in, D and I had become his project. He thought he was saving us and we would be lost without him. It's tricky when you are disabled, especially for D, because you DO need help from people sometimes, and you appreciate their help, but you also are in control of your life and responsible for yourself. Or at least you should be. Non-disabled people get help as well. You may hire someone to paint your house, fix your car, cut your hair. You may get friends to help you move, give you a ride when your car won't start, etc. Say you have a friend that is really good at cutting hair. She cuts your hair for free, and you appreciate that. Maybe in exchange you babysit her kids or something. This may not be a formal deal, its just something you guys do for each other. If suddenly, the person wasn't available for cutting your hair, you might just go to a salon. You appreciate her help, but you are not dependent on her. She did not save you from a lifetime of long, straggly hair, right?
D's dad thinks that he is saving us, that we are completely dependent on him and no other. I think it feeds his ego. I checked out of really ever having him help me again after I figured this out. D, on the other hand, has succumbed to it and come to be sort of codependent on it.
And its not like they make it easy to take a stand. They get offended if he makes a decision himself or don't report to them every second or let them be "included" in every aspect of his life. His dad calls up begging sometimes to come help him out with something...but then it bites him in the ass because his parents have no trust or faith in him to do it himself and play the martyr role with friends and relatives. (Which gets us in trouble because they think we are taking advantage of the old guy.)
Here are some examples. One time, D needed to have a very minor surgery to replace a pump that he has implanted in his abdomen that administered medicine into his spine. He scheduled it over spring break, and his father offered to come out (from Kansas) to be with him during the surgery. D said OK, because his dad had not been out to see his place in Oregon yet and thought they would have a nice visit before and after his 2 day hospitalization. Then, years later, it has been brought up in these terms by D's dad, "What would D have done if I didn't come all the way out to Oregon to take him to the hospital? How would he have gotten there? I had to move out to Oregon because coming all the way from Kansas to help him just wasn't practical." Of course, D could have had his friend or attendant drive him to the hospital, or taken medical transportation or a cab to the hospital. His brother and SIL could have taken him. We all could have visited him. There were plenty of other options. But D's dad had it in his mind that he was the savior there. Another time, I was coming home from work and I accidentally got off the train and onto the wrong bus. This was totally my dumb mistake because I saw a bus rushing past and thought it was mine and didn't even ask the bus driver what bus it was when I flagged him down and got on. I soon realized that the bus wasn't going where I wanted to go, so I got off on a major street, walked to a Wendy's and called D to tell him what I had done, and now I would have to take the next bus back to the transit center and get on the right bus. D's father happened to be there, and he offered to come get me. Great, I say. I'm tired and I'll get home a lot quicker this way. I thank him and truly appreciated the ride. Then I hear from someone else about how he said I got lost and didn't know where I was and it was so lucky that he was there to rescue me or I would have not known what to do. Whatever. This stuff pisses me off because I take some amount of pride in being able to take care of myself. D is more immune to it because he grew up with this.
D's dad says things that really scare me, or that make me really sad for him. He says that he didn't want to move to Oregon, that he'd rather stay in Kansas, but he has devoted his life to D now, and that is all he cares about is making life better for D. This causes problems for D's mother, I suspect, because I think she had designs to finally spend some quality time with the old guy after he retired. I guess, even when he is home with her, he is waiting by the phone in case D calls. D says, I'll call you if I need something, and his dad will only let a day or so go by before he calls up offering to do this or that.
And to tell the truth, sometimes he just isn't that helpful. He means well, but he is a time suck for D and many times D spends so long explaining and directing him that it doesn't really help D save time. Then D has to spend much of his time reassuring him that he is okay and stroking his mother when she gets worked up that he doesn't get time to take care of his own stuff. It is a really complex and hard situation.
D's mother is a different version of this problem. She takes on his issues as her own and wants the attention for herself so people will stroke her and feel sorry for her. She is a very strong, capable, smart woman that is to be admired, but she likes to play weak sometimes for attention. D is seeing a psychologist at the rehab center which is his business. She calls up this psychologist and wants to talk, but of course the psychologist tells her that she can't talk to her without D's permission. She doesn't ask D in advance, she just calls. Apparently she wants to get together with D, his Dad and the psychologist because she is having a hard time dealing with the amputation. She wants to talk to D about her feelings about his foot getting amputated. Um, well, I"m sorry she has some issue with the fact that he has no left foot, but isn't that her issue and not D's? Isn't D busy enough doing rehab all day long and trying to get his life organized? Perhaps D has his own issues about the amputation and he need not take on his mother's right now? This is not about her! I'm not saying it hasn't been hard for her to deal with the illness of her son and his disability, but she puts it on him like he needs to coddle her and help her out with it.
D is also to blame. Of course he agrees to let the psychologist speak to his mother and invites them to participate in a meeting so they feel involved. He always plays the diplomat and gives in to their manipulation. He lets things go and doesn't take charge of things that need to be done because he always knows that dad is there to fall back on. Say his car needs some repair. This is something that D could do himself but it would be quite complicated for him to get rides to get back home, etc. So I have no problem with the fact that he gets someone else to do it for him. But he should be the one who keeps track of when its done, how much it costs, etc. He will put it off and procrastinate until his dad says, "Well, D, I think I better take your car in for repairs."
D's father says that until D can show that he can take care of things himself, he has to help him. But he never gives D a chance. I'm not concerned that D physically do everything himself, that is impossible. It is not the help in and of itself that is the problem, it is the smothering and needy control that they place over him. It is awful for me to see his self confidence wane and disappear like it has done in the last couple of years. The more he lets his parents take over, the less he bothers to do for himself, and the more depressed and out of control he gets.
I've even had this happen to me. I'm guilty. When D went into the hospital, he asked me to take care of the cats and clean his apartment really well while he is gone. I agreed to do this. But then every time I went over to work on it or take care of the cats, his father had been there and I couldn't tell what was done, if the cats had already been fed, things have moved around and I can't find stuff. I go to get the mail and its already been gotten. He all the sudden decided to get the carpet steam cleaned and perseverated about that for days. Do you know how frustrating it is, when you are a single mother of twins and have very limited time to get things done and your twins are crying out of boredom on the floor to mop a floor that you are pretty sure has already been mopped? To vacuum when it looks as if miscellaneous parts of the apartment have already been vacuumed? To waste your precious time doing housework that someone else has sorta, kinda, done but you aren't sure where he left off or what there is to do? I put a towel for myself in D's bathroom to wash my hands with, and every day my towel is gone. His dad takes it to launder it. Just leave me my fucking towel, OK? You're not helping!!! So I'm guilty. I still go over everyday and feed the cats and visit them, but I just completely lazed out on the housework. It just started feeling so futile and like such a waste of my time. I haven't done done a thing there for a couple of weeks because I can't make heads or tails of what the hell D's dad is doing there and why he can't trust me to clean the fucking apartment.
It's not just because we are disabled, because he does this to D's brother, Q as well. Q is a nice guy who is thirty five and single and has a low paying job. He is easy -going and funny and I like him (in fact, I used to date him.) Q is a party-er, a forever teenager, and a player. That is his choice. He lives cheaply and spends his money on partying and entertainment. To me, it seems like a lifestyle choice. Not one that I would make, but who am I to judge him if he is not causing harm and he is happy? Well, he comes up (he lives about three hours away) every so often and does his laundry, parties in the big city, and has his dad pay for things to be done on his car. The tires need replacement? Dad will do it? He needs a whole new car paid for so he doesn't have a car payment? Dad will buy him one. Well, Dad thinks that he has to bail Q out because Q has not demonstrated that he can do it himself. Well, HELLO? Q is no dummy. He's using you to bail him out. What would Q do if you did not get him a new car? He would probably have to take public transportation for a while, save some money and not go out so much, and/or get a car loan and buy his own car. Then he actually could demonstrate that he can take care of himself.
There is a word for this. Its called being an enabler. It is a co-dependent thing and it is as much the enabler's problem as the person playing "victim." When my parents would let me fall flat on my face and then work my way out of it, I might have been mad at the time, but now I am so appreciative that I can handle so many things myself and direct my own life.
Sometimes the best thing you can possibly do to help someone is absolutely nothing.
I found this on the Internet and copied it. Now I can't remember where I found it so am unable to give proper credit:
I love you so much I will:
Pick up your shoes
Carry your pack
Pay your traffic ticket
Lie to your boss
Bail you out
Empower your bad habits
Bring you your fix
Carry your burdens as my own
Do your homework
Do your thinking
Remove rocks from your path
And strip you of the joy
Of saying, "I did it myself!"
Okay, and I've not even gotten started on the hot/cold/lukewarm way they treat me and the boys whenever there is some problem in D's life. But whatever, I just wish that all of them would figure out how to remove this giant barrier that in blocking D's road to success and have a normal adult relationship with each other. The shrink has challenged D, after he gets out and has his attendant care set up, to go thirty days without asking for or accepting help from the parents (who are in their 70's and need to go on with their lives.) I think he panicked for a bit, but then he seemed like he was willing to take on the challenge.
Egads that sounds so so frustrating! I can empathise, having been on several sides of similar situations. My relationship with both my parents has gotten stickier with age. My mother got chronic fatigue and I was the "good daughter" when I helped her out, but as she gained independence, I stepped back to allow her to be an adult again, and I think she perceived it as neglect and became totally unreasonable. Instead of it being about her independence and what actual help she really needed, it became about "how much you love me". And then "how much I did for you". I had to throw my dad out the last time he visited... it was so messy... he offered to help with repairs in my building, and I offered to pay for his plane fare and he'd do the work. It ended up costing as much as if I'd hired someone, but it was this weird thing where he wouldn't stop working, even doing things I DID NOT WANT HIM TO DO, and then acted like he was such a nice guy working so hard to help me. He even complained that he came into my office once when he thought I was working and I was surfing the internet. Hello? I am over 40 yrs old? He started in on how irresponsible I am. When I own a 5plex as an artist (with zero help from him since I'm a teenager) and *I* paid for his plane fare since he hasn't the $. So messy. I decided from now on I'm just hiring a worker. I don't know what to say other than it sounds like you have the situation very clearly sussed out, and so does D's therapist. It is hard, cuz like your haircutting example, IF you get your hair cut at the salon, they take it as if they are suddenly not loved, appreciated, necessary etc, rather than you are just capable of fulfilling your own needs like any adult. Good luck with it. Sounds incredibly sticky.
Posted by: cluttergirl | August 26, 2005 at 10:21 AM
Wow. That is so much to chew on.
I'm wondering if the parents could handle 30 days! Maybe it should be tiny baby steps...a week... then two weeks...
Because these people would probably lose their everloving minds, feeling dejected by the end of 30 days. Ugh. Too much... keep your chin up. It seems you've done well to carry all of this thus far.
Posted by: momof2 | August 26, 2005 at 11:35 AM
Sounds like everyone could use the disabled-family-member version of a good alanon meeting.
You're a trooper (but NOT a martyr) to put up with the in-laws being so up in your business. You have my sympathy (but NOT pity).
Posted by: shannon | August 26, 2005 at 09:52 PM
Wow. That sounds very very hard to deal with. I'm sure that I would have said a few things a long long time ago. LOL one of the things that I say (but quietly) is that I was ok with marrying my hubby because both of his parents were dead and I didn't have to deal with in laws. Sounds crude I know but after dealing with the apron strings tied around various boyfriends necks I was very wary of it. I don't think it sounds like a disabled thing... it just sounds like and excuse that his parents use and if it wasn't that it would be something else. Hopefully D. will find a psyclogist that will help him draw boundries.
Posted by: achromic | August 27, 2005 at 09:44 AM
Obviously well thought out.
Here is hoping that recognizing the problem is truly a few steps along the way of dealing with it.
Posted by: gawdessness | August 27, 2005 at 07:43 PM