Good Intentions

I came across the post "Good Intentions" at this woman's work. She says eloquently what I've been thinking about parenting in the last few years. When thinking about my own childhood and my parents and their inadequacies and the scars they left. Now that my father stays with me sometimes, it all comes back to me. I can honestly say that my parents had good intentions and did the best they knew how. It's not that I had a horrible childhood, I had probably a pretty average one, but there are holes and scars that I've had to stop blaming them for and just accept as my own faults to deal with.

As I entered into parenthood, people wondered how I could possibly do it. I am not below poverty level but I would be considered "low income," I am not married and my partner has a serious disability and is probably slightly above poverty level as well, then, of course there are those that think that my children are "fatherless" because they don't have a biological father in the picture and their adoptive father is not the "live-in" model. The fact that I have a disability and I can't drive has also been an issue of concern. I heard this statement a lot:

"Don't you want to give your children everything?"

I answer that it depends on what you mean by "everything." They usually say something along the lines of giving them access to the best schools, the best opportunities, the best clothes (so they won't be made fun of at school), the best extracurriculars, etc. No one can give their children these things. This is a myth of a consumer culture. The average family cannot give a child access to the opportunities that say, a Paris Hilton has or a John F. Kennedy, Jr. had. Does this mean you don't want what is best for your child?

I of course want to give my children adequate food, shelter, clothing, and educational opportunities. But the best? Everything? This I cannot do nor should I, and neither can anyone. I want to give my children everything in these terms: I want them to be loved, feel unique and special, find and nurture those gifts that they will discover about themselves and deal with the challenges of their struggles. I want to love and accept whoever they turn out to be. I hope that I won't make stupid mistakes that will give them lifelong hangups and insecurities. I hope that I guide them into making good decisions about themselves and others that reflect their confidence, judgment and generosity. I hope to give them opportunities to meet and form good relationships with a variety of people, to learn how to give to others without being taken advantage of. Do I want to do everything and give everything I have perfectly? Yes. Will I? Sadly, no.

I can only hope I don't screw up too badly. And when I do, that I will be forgiven and that my good intentions and love will see us through.

Comments

[cluttergirl]

The sort of judgement of what I have to give being enough I struggle with all the time. Being a single mom (and without any adoptive dad at another address), self-employed (means no maternity leave, sickleave, healthcare or dental for dependents etc), just above poverty (but doing fine fine fine) etc. Not to mention quite a few bad parenting behaviours sure to have been passed down to me... but like you say, once one starts that "what is good enough" where do you stop? AT the upper of the upper class? As for the "did his best" I am still struggling with that. Some of it I think was just cruel and not understandable from any point of view, and I wish that it didn't carry on into the present... but I guess that is an entry for ME to write. You seem like a totally excellent parent to me. And I think your children are blessed to have parents who can show them how incredibly capable supposedly "disabled" people can be, that one is fully human and lovable when not fulfilling society's idea of perfection. That is more important than being spoiled with material things and a life of ease.

[jeri]

My kids are 18 and 16 now, and for much of their childhood I was a single parent struggling with not enough income. No way did I give them everything I wanted to. But what I've found made the difference is the relationship I've managed to create with each of them. No matter what struggles they have in the world, they will always carry with them the love and trust they had at home. At least, that's my hope!