For My LBGT Buds

I've had a few gay and lesbian acquaintances in the past, but since starting this journey into motherhood, I've met so many lesbian women who have created families in a number of ways. A lot of the readers on this site are lesbian women, and I'm glad you are here. I feel connected to you, partly because of the "alternative" ways that we have started our families and partly because I identify with some of the discrimination that you must feel.

I don't pretend to be an expert on gay/lesbian issues, so I apologize if I say something stupid or ignorant, but this just occurred to me lately. As a mom with a disability, there are some people out there who think I'm a terrible person for deciding to parent. I looked into adoption first, and found that there would be many more roadblocks in my way than if I went the gestational route. And when I was pregnant, total strangers actually came up to me and told me I wouldn't be able to raise my kid(s). Now, some people say, "Well, it's easy when they are babies, but what about when they learn to walk?" And after that, it will be what about when they ____, and what about when they ____? There are thousands of parents who are disabled and raise healthy, well-adjusted kids. But I think that it must be similar to being a gay parent. Thousands of people have done it successfully, scientific research can prove that it can be done just as successfully as traditional families, you yourself can point to your loving, smart, wonderful, happy child and say "Look at my loving, smart, wonderful, happy child" and there will still be people out there who will say that you are not good enough. That it is wrong for you to have become a parent. That your child would be better off being raised by another kind of family.

I don't know if gay and lesbian's feel this way, but I have a dim, but constant nagging fear in the back of my mind that my children will be taken away from me for something that would be considered a normal occurrence  in another family. There will be a time when one of my sons will break a leg, or bang his head on the cement and need stitches or some kind of accident that kids have. I fear taking him to the hospital for that some social worker will think that he was hurt because I couldn't see well enough to supervise him. [Edit: Example story deleted by reader request.]

My friend Niklas, who is a blind parent, told me when I was pregnant to be very careful. He said to make sure I demonstrate in the hospital that I can take care of them. He said to never refuse anyone from the state or health care agency to come and take a look at your kids. He said to get as many people in the child development profession into your home as possible to see you with the kids so that if anything happens, such as an accidental injury, you can have a lot of professionals on your side.

At first, I thought he was being a bit paranoid, but then I witnessed this problem for myself in the hospital when I gave birth. I had been very ill for about two weeks before giving birth. I had a surgery and lost some eye sight. I was really FAT and had gained 45 pounds. My pelvic bones hurt so bad I could hardly walk. And I was on bed rest anyway, so I was weak from that. I also had some blood pressure problems due to preeclampsia. Needless to say, when I went in the hospital for my C-Section, I was not at my most together and healthiest. My babies were born at 35 weeks, so a little premature and a little bit underweight, although healthy. In the six days that D and I spent in the hospital, Aaron got jaundice and Naim lost over 12% of his birth weight. Naim also had problems with hypoglycemia and he had no sucking reflex. This baby did not have a clue what to do with a breast or bottle in his mouth. We would squirt milk into his mouth and coax him to swallow. He would only drink a few milliliters at a time before he would just fall asleep. We fed him every two hours. Meanwhile, I'm pumping and trying to get Aaron to latch on.

Nurses, Lactation consultants, dietitians, pediatricians all tried to help get Naim to eat. Everyone struggled with it and although we tried different techniques, nothing really seemed to improve the situation. Then one night I got this nurse who insisted that I feed him every hour. Another doctor had told us earlier that Naim had an over-stimulation problem and was burning up more calories than he was getting by being forced to awaken and eat so often. She suggested that we feed him every two and a half to three hours. This nurse and I argued over this and I think I said something to the effect that it would help Naim and the whole family (me and D) out to feed him every three because we were burning out and it was bad for our health. (BIG mistake to say. Never let 'em see you sweat. But I was crashing and burning BIG TIME at that point.) Well, by morning, we were told by a bitchy little CNA that everybody on the floor is saying we can't feed our kids and if we weren't so selfish we should give them up for adoption.

I cried and cried over this, but for the next two days I rallied and didn't let anyone help with the feeding or care of the kids. D and I did it all ourselves, even though we had gotten almost no sleep in days and days. Finally, Naim stopped losing weight and they discharged us. Within about three weeks, Naim slowly learned to suck and started eating more and more and putting on weight. I don't remember much of this time because I was a sleep-deprived, delusional, crazy woman then.

Anyway, we went home from the hospital with appointments with the county health nurse, a WIC dietitian, and an enrollment in "Healthy Start." All of these women have been in my home watching me with my babies numerous times. They are helpful, nice women, but I don't really need them. Their main purpose, although they don't know it, is to be on my witness list should a problem ever arise where someone thinks I can't raise my children.

I will eventually write more about my career as a teacher, etc. But for now, I'll give you a brief overview of my experience with children. I babysat kids since I was seven years old. First under the supervision of my own babysitter, and then on my own. In college, I found a niche to pay the bills by working for respite care services and taking care of children with disabilities, including children who were on respirators, were blind, deaf, etc. Also in college, I had to do semester after semester of practici and student teaching for my bachelor's degree in education. Then in grad school, again I did several practici with students with multiple disabilities and challenging behaviors and worked as an adviser for adults with cognitive disabilities. In Oregon, I substitute taught for a year in a variety of classrooms. I also volunteered for three years in the pediatric oncology unit at a children's hospital providing child-life therapy services to children. (And I never tripped over or pulled out an IV!) In all those years of taking care of hundreds  of other peoples children, my safety record is perfect. I've had not one kid get injured in my care. I've had a couple of minor scrapes and bruises, but absolutely no serious injuries requiring the school nurse, the doctor's office, the ambulance, or the coroner. None.

And do you know what that means? Absolutely nothing. This is the thing about being a disabled parent and maybe a gay parent as well (but in a different way), you can build no track record. You cannot prove yourself. You always start at 0. Because some people will always think that a white, middle class, non-disabled heterosexual married man and woman who made babies by having missionary-style sex can be better parents than you. Not one of a million other factors will ever come into play in their minds. Anyway, that's why I draw strength from you ladies. You had your own confidence and went ahead and did it anyway. You are my lesbian sistahs! And your little ones are my little nieces and nephews, and I'm inviting you all over for a SUPERMOM play date!

Comments

[shannon]

You can add some of the adoptive moms to the guest-list too. Often enough I get a distinct you're-not-quite-a-real-mom vibe because I didn't give birth.

I try to play this up and say "Ah the benefits of adoption! No stretch marks!" to show I have a good sense of humor and an appreciation for their labors (literally). But this hasn't worked. It seems to reinforce their convictions, that deep-down, I can't possibly know what I'm doing.

Like you said, no amount of "look at my beautiful, healthy, happy kid" and no amount of previous childcare experience (however much more than the average experience of the average parent) seems sufficient.

Wish we lived near enough for that play date, baby!

[cluttergirl]

Dang, I hope I can take you up on that playdate in the future. Thanks for this entry. You're right. I have to get used to the fact that no matter what some people are going to always think I'm not good enough. When I was inseminating I had women say to me "I'd never try to have kids as a single mom. That's just selfish. Kids need two parents". Then a week ago a friend said to me "you can't be surprised if social workers don't want to place kids with a bisexual... of course they're going to worry that you'll be with a woman for five years, then break up and be with a man, and it won't be stable for the child". This from a woman whose own heterosexual mom married at 17, had three kids, left her husband and travelled across the country with the kids by the age of 20, lived the bohemian single life in a commune until remarrying at like 28, had another kid. Divorce again before 35, remarried before 40 and had another two kids with a different husband. Tell me again how being heterosexual is guaranteed stable. And how me being bisexual is so damning? Dang. Anyways, you certainly seem like a great mom to me. Thanks again for the lgbt entry!

[Kristin / Intrepid Murmurings]

Beautiful post, thank you!

[alexandra]

Just happened on your site and I just love it. Thanks for sharing. I hope D continues to recover and is home soon with you and the boys.

[cluttergirl]

Hey, cubbiegirl's baby is not eating either and burning HER out too! Do you have any experienced-parent-beenthere-donethat hints?? Is it ok she gets sleep and lets the baby sleep, or does she absolutely HAVE TO keep waking it up to feed it when it doesn't want to?? thanks! http://cubbiegirl.typepad.com

[achromica]

Thanks for the insight. I'm always looking for a way to combat my ignorance. I have to admit that at one time I might have been someone that would have been judgemental. But I'm really trying to learn not to be like that any more. I hope you don't mind if I read your blog and ask questions I will try to be respectful, please correct me if I say something that is offesive.