The kids are eleven months old today. I can't believe it. Last week Ms. Wendy the Wonder Nanny went crazy baby-proofing on my ass and dumped a bunch of clothes together in one drawer so she could hide the baby Tylenol, and Desinex and other poisonous things my kids try to consume in another. This forced me to have to go through all their clothes and sort out the things that are too little from the things that they can actually wear. It is sad to have to admit that they can't fit in SO MANY clothes anymore. My God. What happened? My kids are going to be a YEAR OLD next month!
There will have to be a major overhaul of their room in the next six months to a year or so, which means I am going to be forced to make some decisions. The baby swings, the cribs, the baby clothes will have to go. And in their place will be a room that is not so much set up for me to take care of babies but for them to start being more independent. I will probably start them off with twin mattresses on the floor. I also want to get one of those closet organizer things where they can have lowered clothes rod and drawers for their stuff so they can start getting dressed. They need to be able to reach their own toys and be able to put them away. And maybe a small table and chairs for them to start to draw on, etc. All this means that I have to think about what to do with the current furniture that is in there and all the baby stuff.
Am I going to have another child?
Should I keep it all, or am I done? If I have another child, it will most likely be through adoption. And most likely it will be domestic or foster adoption so would I even have a baby again anyway, considering I might get an older child? I don't have much storage space in this house. There is no basement and the garage is filled with my dad's car and D's ramp to get in the house.
The furniture in their room (the yellow stuff) has some sentimental value. It was my furniture when I was a kid and finally got my own room. It is more sentimental to me because it was special to my mother. She picked it out, I think it was the first furniture they bought new. Its good Ethan Allen stuff. Still in good shape. But it isn't right for twins in that room. My dad (and many others) think it is too girly for the boys, I'm not too worried about that. But since they will have to share their own room for the rest of their lives, I would like to get them something more practical, more space saving, more so they could each have their own space and have someplace to study. I'm thinking when they get older I might get them loft beds with desks/storage underneath or something. My mom always wanted that furniture to be at her house when the grand-kids came to visit. She didn't live long enough to see the grand kids, and now her house is my house. But I can't just sell it. I'd love for my daughter to use it, should I have one. Anyway. Back to making that decision.
I've learned so much from Shannon, Cubbiegirl, Cluttergirl and others about adoption. It has made me examine my motivations for wanting to adopt. I think, like others have said, I've just always been drawn to it. I imagined adopting when I was a little kid just as much as I imagined becoming pregnant. Shannon talked about chosen families. And I've always been a person who has felt sometimes more comfortable in a chosen family than in my own family. I've always had a bit of 'red-headed stepchild' syndrome. I think it is a bit to do with being disabled when no one else in your family is. I always felt like the little girl in the movie "Welcome to the Dollhouse" who was an outcast both at school and at home. Its not that my parents didn't love me or didn't do their best, it is just that when I finally moved out and went to blind rehab, it was like, "oh, this is what acceptance is. I never knew." I was like the bee girl in the Blind Melon (Heh. Pun.) video who finally found her bee people.
So I've been lucky enough to have been adopted and have adopted many unofficial family members. Adoption to me seems like an extension of that. So there are space issues and money issues and all the rest. The uncertainty and the dealing with the system that cluttergirl talks about. The energy it will take to parent a child with a "past" as cubbiegirl talks about. But I think I've learned that you can adopt and share. There is no reason to limit a child to just one mother. Athena shares her oldest daughter, Mia with her birth mother. And Shannon and Cole have an open adoption with Nat's birth mother. This is one thing I never thought I'd want to deal with, but now I think I could. So we'll see. It won't be for another year or two that I get serious. It's just that now I have to think about what to do with the baby stuff.
I always thought I would have two children, but I never imagined twins. I always thought I would have a daughter, I never imagined two sons. I always thought I would adopt, but I never imagined I'd already have two children. But it seems like it wouldn't be right for me to go through this life and not adopt. It's what I always thought I was supposed to do. I've always wanted to and still want to. I look at the adoption listings all the time. I hear about Angelina Jolie adopting and I get a longing. Can I be a good mother to three?
Cubbiegirl's official adoption of her Bugaboo takes place tomorrow. She says:
In the end, Bug has been my daughter before I was even selected as her mom. And she's been my daughter all along.
This is sort of how I feel sometimes. Like there is a child out there waiting for me and our lives just have to intersect at the right moment and I need to be ready when they do. I can't miss her, I have to plan for her.
Congratulations, Cubbiegirl and Bugaboo!