Anyone still out there? You are? And you? And you are, too? My god. For those of you still checking this site, I love you for hanging with me.
First the updates.
Dwight finally had the surgery to replace his pump last week. And, yes! He has a pump. So far so good, but we are not out of the woods yet. He is still on IV antibiotics for another week. He is way overmedicated and having problems adjusting to that. And he has two new wounds now (a place on his back where they place the catheter into his spine and the incision on the front where they put the pump in at.) So those need to heal. I'd say we have at least two weeks to a month before I can declare a total success and things will be back to normal, but it is all looking good right now.
I tried to go to the UU family camp over the fourth of July weekend. We lasted 1 day and I couldn't do it anymore. I came home early. It wasn't that we had a bad time, it was a good time and everyone was great there. It was just too much for me to do right then. I had been sick for a couple of days leading up, I was back on the bactroban which makes me a little sickish as well, and I had just a whole lot of work to do around here. On the drive there, I could not keep my eyes open. The first night I went to bed at about 7:30 and slept till 7:30 the next morning. It was a lot of fun with the kids and it was a very pretty setting, it was just a LOT of supervision of kids in a very wide area that I couldn't see or hear well in, and kid juggling and getting certain places on time to eat and sand in shoes and communicating with others and I just knew that if I kept that up for the whole weekend I was just going to die by the time I had to go back home and do more work. I did feel really guilty about that. It was definitely disability related. It was just not a level of "awareness" visually and hearing wise, that I could maintain for that long of a period of time. I think if I did it again (and I hope I do try again) I will have planned for some kind of help. Either take a teenager with me or organize a trade with the other mothers or something. People were very helpful, especially around meals with helping me carry plates and things. But it was almost sad being there all by myself with the kids. I could see how other families just naturally had a give and take and tag teamed and already had systems of working together in organized ways that I just couldn't set up on the fly. I felt bad also that I had left D's father to take care of everything right before D's surgery. So, I just went home after the second day. But! While we were there we had a really nice time and I enjoyed being with the other moms and kids and it was a little adventure for us. We slept in bunk beds and the kids played on the "beach" (sand volleyball court) and threw rocks in the stream and played music and blew bubbles and just were outside with their friends. It was good, and I will try again next year with some better planning ahead for help for myself. And the kids will be older then, too. I'm learning how to be a disabled parent as I go, I guess. That's all I can do.
I felt guilty that the kids never got to go swimming there, so we have gone swimming in D's apartment pool and they are really doing well with that. I used to not be able to take both of them at once but now I can. They each wear a life vest and I have an inflatable "fish" that I can put one in while I'm with the other. They understand that they need to take turns and understand their limits in the water. Aaron has always been a 'swimmer' but Naim has always clung to me. But now he is also letting me just hold his hands while he kicks his feet and stuff and will sit in the water on the steps by himself. So, that has been fun. Its probably about time for swimming lessons. Don't know if I will get to it this summer, but next summer for sure.
My August project that I alluded to earlier is a go. I'm going on a trip! For six days! By my F^(%*ing self! My dad has shocked me by agreeing to take the kids at night. He will just have to feed them dinner and put them to bed, and D may be able to help with that. I have a girl that has babysat for us a lot this summer that will have them during the day. I'm visiting a "friend" in an "undisclosed" location. How's that for cryptic? (I'd tell ya, but I've been asked not to, sorry) It is a trip I've wanted to take for a long time. But I will say that the location requires air travel to get to, and so there will be no coming home early. There is some work to be done, planning for the kids and activities for them and stuff before I go, but I'm looking forward to it. I just figured out that I have taken care of the kids for approximately 1312 days by myself without a break. (An all day break, I mean. I've had few hour breaks of course.) I think I deserve six days, no? My main worry is that since the kids have been with me for 1312 days, that they will be okay without me. I know we will miss each other a lot. Does anyone have any tips on how to prepare them or keep them happy while I'm gone? Let me know.
Okay, now for the trouble with blogging.
I have not been blogging for a couple of reasons. One is that I've been very busy and very tired. The other is that I've had a bit of writer's block. The writer's block stems from, I think, my inability to write about some really important things that are going on in my life right now. If I can't write about them, it is hard to write around them.
Everything is okay. But to be quite apologetically vague, I've just been really rethinking everything on a fundamental level. And there will be changes ahead. This has been coming for a long time, but I'm just rethinking where I am in my current situation in life. What kind of living arrangement, family life do I want for myself and the kids. What kind of career I want. What kind of people I want around my kids and what kind of messages they get. Also a lot about what I deserve/want for my own personal self. My current situation is not awful by any means. In many ways I am very lucky. But it is not working for me. If you have been reading a while or look back in the archives, you can see it and all the reasons why. I'm just asking myself what I really want for myself and the kids and I do have a direction I want to go. Meaning, I'm coming up with the answers. However, I'm not sure exactly yet how those answers will look when implemented. Any changes I make need to be made while considering a lot of people. Obviously the kids, but also D and his family and my dad. The challenges are not in finding what I want, I know almost pretty much exactly what I want. But how to get there on a practical, logistical level. And because there are so many other people involved that I care about, I need to not go off the deep end and make any "sudden moves" but just go very slowly and deliberately and carefully so as to help everyone adjust without major fall out. So, this change is going to take time. Lots of time. But, I see a brighter future for myself and the kids. And that optimism is something I haven't had for a long time and is very exciting.
Aren't bloggers annoying when they do this? I know! I hate it, too. Actually, I really, really want to tell you guys what is going on! And share my thought processes with you and have you all give me your take on things and all your advice on how to proceed. But, there are IRL people who read this blog and I don't want to say something when I am just throwing out ideas and brainstorming that would be confusing to them or would be unintentionally hurtful to them. It is very important to me that whatever changes I make are understood and okay for everyone in my real life, too. And blogging about hypothetical chickens before they hypothetically hatch is just so irritatingly challenging and somewhat dangerous. However, I feel like if I just kind of fessed up to this in some way here on the blog, I might be able to get over my writer's block and go on writing about other stuff and maybe this is some capacity as well somehow. Oh, hell. I'm just going to have to figure out a way to PM all of you already!
So, I'm going to try to come back and be writing some more and better blog posts. There certainly are lots of things to talk about that don't involve me and my little complicated life, right? Hope you can bear with me a bit longer, I appreciate having you folks around.