Twinkle Little Star

New Look, Old Typepad

I really, really, really need to be ordering groceries right now, but instead I'm tinkering with the blog.

Recently, I started a new blog over at Wordpress. It is just a little homeschooling record keeping and thoughts type of blog that would likely bore the lot of you to tears. I haven't decided whether to password protect it or allow certain people to have the URL or just not ever tell anyone about the URL. I need to play with it more.

Anyway, I went over to Wordpress to try it out because it is free (at least my version of it is.) And after the first hour of frustration, I slowly started to fall in love with it and want to marry it and have it's children. Very easy to work with with a lot of nice features. I came back to tinker with typepad here just to compare the ease of use. And I think I will be divorcing typepad, soon.

I'm going to wait till my Typepad year is out and also when my next google ads check comes, so its not anything that is going to happen immediately. I'll keep you posted.

Now I've had websites/blogs for over ten years now. This is what I've come to learn:

HTML-ing it by hand? Sucks
Diaryland (remember those)? insidious.
Live Journal? Disgustingly Ugly and bumbly to use
Blogger? Really bad
Typepad? Okay to Good
Wordpress? Really, really good.
Your own web designer in the family (a la Dooce)? Priceless

...in case you are shopping.

More later, family needs fed, so I'm off to Safeway.com. (Maybe next time I'll rate online grocery services. Surely about as exciting as this post.)

A Mandatorily (Hopefully) More Cheerful Post

After my last post, Niklas called me and was all "Are you OK?"-ing me 20 times over, which led me to think that I need to lighten things up around here. (And because, yes. I am ok, really. But thank you all for your kind thoughts and words. They really do mean a lot.)

So, lets see: Updates.

D is on his last dose of Vancomyecin tonight and has already finished his other antibiotic. So, hopefully this means he is on the road back to getting a new pump. I think they wait a week or so before they re-culture everything and make sure the infection is gone. Then go from there as far as replacing the pump.

D is gathering opinions about this and finding out some information that leads us to believe that A LOT of careless mistakes have been made. He got a referral to another pain management clinic and he will decide then if he wants them to take over (and if they are willing.) The infectious disease people especially clued us in to a lot that didn't happen as far as infection control in the initial surgery. So I would really have to be convinced that the same surgeon (still in India with no replacement) should redo the surgery. I'm hoping that if it can go to another surgeon, then overall things won't be delayed too much.

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Naim apparently does not need glasses. Neither of them do. All is fine, there. He must just be imitating me with all of his "I can't see" stuff. The ophthalmologist was not willing to test or make a determination on colorblindness, yet. I have been trying to test this myself. So far I do notice that Naim CAN match colors, but not verbally identify what they are. This is a good sign but still doesn't rule out colorblindness. He could just be matching shades of grey. Easier to match than to identify with a color word. Either way, it isn't a big deal, I know. But I would just like to know. At this age, everything is about color. People ask him color questions all day long and he is just bewildered. If I knew for sure, I could start figuring out some accommodations and stuff.

They don't have to really ever go back to the opth. unless there is a problem. He said I could bring them back in when they are 5, just to make sure all is okay before school starts and they should be a little bit more reliable patients, then. I may do that, but I am not doing his other suggestion.

Whenever I go to the doctor, either for myself or my kids, I am always a source of curiosity for them. They always want to do all kinds of tests on me and my kids. After traveling the continent with my mother growing up doing painful medical tests to basically find out nothing...I don't see the point. I did not choose to do IVF and genetic testing on my embryos. I did not choose amniocentesis or triple screen. I did do the full-scale diagnostic ultrasound because there was no risk or pain to that. But what would it have helped with? I would not have aborted, and because of my background, I felt as prepared as anyone can be if I found out the kids had Trisomy 21 or something. It was either find out then and risk causing a problem, or find out at birth.

I have done all the screening on my kids to test their function. I have done vision/hearing/kidney testing to determine if there is a problem. These are relatively painless and useful tests that actually help us. I see no point in doing further genetic testing, especially those tests that are painful. This opth. suggested that I take them to a doctor that specializes in genetic diseases of the retina so that they could test for RP and other genetic eye disorders. (The doctor he mentioned actually ended up being MY ophthalmologist.)

Anyway, the test that they would do to determine if the kids have RP and other retinal disorders is called some sort of electro something or other that escapes me now. As soon as I heard it, I knew what it was and had a sick memory from childhood. I'd had this test at Stanford University while my family was on vacation when I was 7. Here is what they do: They immobilize your head in a vice in a dark room with what looks like a satellite dish in front of you. Your eyes are very, very dilated. Your eyes are held open by these sort of whole eyeball sized plastic contact lens things that don't allow you to blink. Attached to these contact lenses are wires. Then, they shoot flashing lights at you. For a long time. A long, long time. I was seven years old and had no say in the matter nor any knowledge of what was occurring. (And in my case, the results were inconclusive so it was all for not, although the test may have improved since then.)

So, this guy thinks I'm going to allow that test for my three year olds? He must be on crack. And for what? To show that they either do or do not have RP? And if they do...can I do anything about it? No. They could go blind by the time they are in high school or not until they are in their 60s. There is just no point to it except to satiate their curiosity and file our genetic makeup in their data files.

I am still haunted by some of my experiences in peds oncology and what those families had to go through and what the kids could or could not consent to. In the case of cancer, the weight is tipped strongly in the direction of making the decision for your kids to have painful medical procedures done. And I understand this. But even then, whenever possible, especially near the end of life, we let the kids have as much say as possible in what medical interventions they wanted. I am a strong, strong advocate of giving kids as much self-determination as is reasonable in deciding medical stuff for themselves. This is why there is no way in HELL I would circumcise my kid. Forcing an unnecessary surgery without anesthesia on an unknowing child? (And I was a very occasional floater in pre-op at the children's hospital I worked at. I probably spent less than ten days in there in three years. And in those days I saw three, count 'em, three kids in for botched or otherwise problematic circumcisions. The risk of the procedure pretty much cancel out any benefits.)

Things like circumcision, braces and other cosmetic dentistry, genetic testing, anything that falls in the optional category for me is a decision that my kids will have to make for themselves when they are older if they so choose. I don't see why this is so "out there" or radical, but doctors look at me as if I have two heads when I tell them I am not interested in having my three-year-olds suffer through an electraopthalthingamajig just for curiosity's sake. So, no eye doctors for the kids for a while. I probably will have their hearing screened again this year.

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Preschool for next year is giving me a headache. We went to an open house for one today. The kids LOVED it. Well, Aaron loved it and Naim hated the noise but was tolerant and was more participatory after some of the other people left and it was calmer. It was easy to get to. The facilities were not fancy and obviously most things were well worn (I mean that it lacked the Goddard School's shiny corporate sheen), but comfortable. There was an abundance of age-appropriate things to do. I saw some Montessori stuff. I saw some signs of an effort to include diversity such as books with minority kids in them and things about other holidays besides Christmas, like some dradels, Chinese New Year stuff, etc. The kids were mostly white but not all. I think I saw one black kid and one Asian kid and about 7 or so Hispanic children. There are 18 kids in each class. Wow! But four adults. It seems small for 18 kids, but I can see it being workable if the kids were rotated through different spaces in a center style or something. It is very child-centered and play oriented. Light on the academics and worksheets nonexistent. The playground was pretty cool. It did not have the standard issue play equipment. It had a HUGE sand pit (like as big as my kitchen) with a grape arbor over it. Adjacent to the sandpit was an industrial looking sink. There were also draining pipes and gutters along the sandpit where water could go so it isn't a soppy mess. Obviously hand made by some handy-person. Then there were hay bails, logs, wooden planks, metal tubing...a woodworking bench, basically things that required the kids to invent their own playground equipment. They gave the example of the kids working together to make a see-saw out of logs and planks, or a mountain out of hay bails.

The teacher and other parents were nice and didn't bat two eyelashes about my disability stuff. They seemed willing to work around it as far as parenting jobs. There is nothing wrong with this place that I can tell, and I think the kids would be very happy there. I would probably be fine there as well. The main disadvantage is that it costs more than the other one I'm looking at and I would have to do A LOT of volunteer work. Oh, and it is not entirely inaccessible, but somewhat limiting for a person in a wheelchair. It is just too crowded. Stuff  is too close together. There are a lot of steps everywhere. There are ways to get around the steps but it involves taking the long way around the building. Essentially, I would be on my own for the most part as far as volunteering. There would not be a whole lot D could do except come in and park himself and visit. So there's that.

I'm visiting the other one, the homeschooling co-op, next Thursday. That is the one that is further away, but less expensive and less volunteer work and more things for me to do around the neighborhood while I wait for the kids.

Here is the headache inducing problem, though. I would have to apply at the first one in person at, literally, nine o'clock in the morning on March 3rd. Like there are lines of people waiting outside to apply. I have been told that if I do this, there is a good chance that my kids will get in. I have to have my application ready and $55 per kid. The other preschool takes applications by the quarter instead of the whole year. They do existing kids first and then new ones. I've heard this is very hard to get into as well. So, they don't take applications from new kids until August! What I could try to do, is get the kids in this spring, so we would be existing for August, but that registration is March 11th. Still no help. So, do I apply at the school I visited today, and risk losing $110 deposit if I pull out in Aug and go to the other school? Or do I bank on the other school? I'd be happy for the kids to go to this one, but...that volunteering man, its just a lot. At least at the other school I would be making connections with families that my kids might see for a long time, not just one or two years.

This is the twin factor as well. With two kids who are the same age, it is just so hard to get them both into things sometimes. I'd feel a lot better about my chances if I just had one. Sometimes crazy things happen, like what if I'm number 18 in line, meaning one of my kids is the last one to be enrolled and the other is out? This has actually happened to me, and it sucks. Then, even if there is a waiting list it is pointless. Because you have to have TWO spaces open up at exactly the same time. And that never happens. Do you put one in and hope another spot opens up for the other one? Or do you just pass on both? Because of my inability to drive the kids around, I really have to have both the kids at the same location or not at all.

Anyway, this preschool thing is becoming more trouble than it is worth for me. But I know the kids would love it SO much, so (as Naim would say) "What to DOOOO????"

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In other news: My friend J, off and married a woman he has spent only weeks with in person in the Philippines, sorta kinda all the sudden...or something. It is a bit of a strange story where I know I'm lacking some vital details that would probably make it less strange, but it is one of those sort of eyebrow raising things. I do know what people's first conclusions are with this situation and am trying to just not go there in my mind.

Now he is back in the states and still has to work out some kind of huge immigration obstacle before they both can live on the same continent. He thinks it would be more doable for him to move to the Philippines with her and her extended family. This is a guy who has lived the last ten years alone in a house with no family and is one of the most private and reserved people I have ever met. He had trouble moving into an apartment because he had to be surrounded by (gasp) PEOPLE and their noise and smoke and existence. That move in the same suburb was so regretful that he broke his lease and rented a house right next to the one he just sold...but moving to an entirely different country with an entirely different culture, language, socioeconomic level, and different ideas about nuclear families doesn't even cause him a second thought.... 'K.

Anyway, he told me and I sort of gave him a weak congratulations and sort of "whatever-ed" him in my head. Now, I'm thinking that I should have made a bigger deal about it and need to take him out to celebrate or something. I thought of how many raised eyebrows I got, and how many doubts and whatevers and "it'll never work outs" I got when I told people I was going to have a baby. And they all underestimated me and D and the situation and my motivation to make it work, and sometimes they were determined to be less than supportive to prove themselves right instead of being supportive and helpful. So I think I need to assume that he has the motivation to make this work, that there is more to him and her and this than meets (my) eye, and be supportive and helpful.

So, that is on the agenda as soon as I can make time for it. I do have my hypocritical and judgmental moments. But I do try to be somewhat meta in examining my own behaviors and admit when I'm being an ass and make it right when I can. Doesn't always work out, but I try. I don't get what the hell J is doing with his life, but I can either blow him off or be a friend, so I will try the latter.

Boomerang: Or My Somewhat Morbid Valentine's Day

The kids made Valentine's Day cards for dad and grampa F. And Aaron found a picture a week ago of a heart-shaped box of candy and has been asking for one since then. So I got a big one for them to give to D and they each got a very small one for themselves.

The plan was to take the stuff over to D's after their nap and just stay for about a half hour or so. But, of course, that was interrupted by "The Very Big Deal." D has a new infection, C. Diff. (I can't remember what the whole name is). It is one of those probiotics that your body naturally has and is good for you until you are on a bunch of antibiotics and the level gets out of control because it is not sustained by the other natural bacteria. The hospital wanted him to come in, but it was not an emergency situation, so we waited a couple of hours. We took the Valentine's stuff over there and that was fun. The kids liked giving him his gifts. And eating the candy. Then I stayed to help him get ready to go to the hospital.

We have been kicking ourselves for months about not getting our paperwork in order such as wills and medical power of attorneys and stuff. Now all of the sudden, D was in a mad rush to do it. We signed stock paperwork to make me his health care representative. And then we talked about death and what he wants done and when he would want me to pull the plug, so to speak. These are all things we have talked about before, so it was merely a revisit and no big decisions needed to be made. The main thing D is afraid of is that his disability will prejudice the medical staff and they will kill him off before his time. This is a very, VERY common and serious problem for people with disabilities. We didn't want to put down in writing any kind of thing about feeding tubes, life support, 'heroic' measures, etc. because all of that is very commonly a way for people to very easily devalue a person with a disability and is so contingent on context. I have a good feel for knowing that I'll be able to separate the disability prejudice from sound medical decisions that values D's life. I also have a somewhat good feel for when medical intervention is really keeping someone alive rather than simply prolonging their inevitable death. What I don't have such a good feel for (or maybe I am just uncomfortable making the call) is when D wants to give up. When the pain is too much, when he has had enough. I guess, if the situation arises like that, I'll just have to trust myself and our relationship that I will know what to do when the time comes.

So papers were signed, and then he wanted to take video and pretty much do a video medical power of attorney thing and a will. He is concerned about family backlash. That they will not be happy or think that I somehow made him give me this "power." Truth be told, I don't really want it or like having it, yet I don't know that I trust it to anyone else, either. I know him. I know my own abilities and instincts. I know (and D knows as he mentioned today) I have the ability to be a bitch on wheels to get what I want when the situation calls for it. I don't know these things about anyone else. So, there you go. (I joked with D that we should do a video with me holding a gun to his head while he willed me ALL HIS MONEY (btw, there is none), but he didn't go for that.) So basically, I just set him up with the video camera and left the room so I wouldn't even be in the vicinity for whatever it was that he said.

So anyway, that was no fun.

Finally, he called the ambulance. It was just a granny-run, which in other states does not require that you call 911. You can just call the ambulance directly and get nonemergency ambulance transport. But here, they don't let you do that, so they make us call 911, which is stupid. And then the fire truck shows up and the ambulance and sometimes even the police. (When I called the ambulance for Aaron's seizure, I had two ambulances, a firetruck, and a squad car show up. There were 10 men in my house to pick up one little boy.) Anyway, today there was only 4 or 5, I think.

Some people ask me about having the boys there during this, and for one thing, it isn't like I really have anywhere else to put them. For another, I think it is good for them to get familiar and comfortable with the drill. Especially on these nonemergency type things, it is a good opportunity for them. There will be a time when we do call 911 for an emergency and it will be very harried and scary. And the more they are used to this as being natural thing that we do, the less traumatic that will be for them. They like to go out and look at the firetruck and ambulance. They got sticker badges and they think that is cool. They like the bed on wheels. They are not uncomfortable around the EMTs. The more they experience it as normal, the less traumatic it is going to be for them.

When I took them out to look at the firetruck while the EMTs were working on D, there were about 4 kids all in a hubbub about the emergency vehicles. They were about 8 or 10 or so. And they were actually scared. They lived in the building and were worried about a fire. They were on their bikes and worried if they should go up and get their moms. I told them that there was no fire and that it was all OK. And that my "husband" was just very ill and he needed to go to the hospital. They asked if they could wait until he came out, and I said ok...as long as they stayed out of the way. I knew that they would see D being conscious so thought that would make them feel better. This is another dumb reason for the 911 thing for a granny-run. Having the firetruck come out just confuses and worries people. Anyway, I don't want my kids to be scared like that, so hopefully this exposure will help with that. But after they wheeled D onto the bus and we had waved goodbye, one of the girls said to me that she was sorry he was sick and that she hoped he got better. I don't know why but this made me tear up. She was very sweet.

The kids know that they will see D tomorrow at the hospital. They like going and so they are okay with it. Aaron gave D a matchbox truck to take with him.

Tomorrow morning we are going to the ophthalmologist for the kids. I'm not looking forward to it. They have to be periodically screened because of me, but Naim has lately been saying "I can't see" all the time so I'm wondering if he needs glasses. It could also be, though, that he is just copying me. They will hold something up to show me and I will say, "I can't see it. Bring it over here." But he also hasn't really known his colors and seemed confused whenever we talked about color. Aaron has known colors for well over a year now. Naim knows numbers and letters pretty well, so I don't know if the color thing is an acuity thing or colorblindness or what. Although just this week he has seemed a little better about colors, so who knows?

The eye doctor is in the vicinity of the hospital, so unless the kids are completely spent and beyond the edge of sanity, we will probably trek up to the hospital and visit D. Long day. Lots of eye-drops and hills. Can't wait.

The Sweetest Day

D is home from the hospital, now. And he's pissed. He has done his own research to find out what happened, and it turned out that there is such a thing as intrathecal baclofen withdrawal, which can be very serious. It causes wild blood pressure fluctuations (check), fever (check), severe spasticity that can result in autonomic dysreflexia (check) and altered mental state (check, check and triple check.) All of these symptoms can then mask an infection (check.) When he went to the hospital this time, he had a new infection, pseudomonis (sp?).

It turns out, according to this article in a medical journal dating June of 2005, the new best practice is to not remove an infusion pump when their is infection present unless everything else has been tried first. The danger of any infection around the pump is that since the catheter connects the pump directly to the cerebral spinal fluid, bacteria could bypass the blood/brain barrier and infect the brain. How are they treating this now? By putting the appropriate prophylactic antibiotic in the pump itself (along with the usual baclofen) until the infection clears. This has worked in the vast majority of patients studied. It saves the patient from two surgeries and two or more months of pain, and forgoes the danger of the intrathecal baclofen withdrawal.

AND THEN, he gets sent home with an IV + an oral antibiotic and plain ole' Rite Aid pharmacy refuses to fill the oral antibiotic because of a serious drug reaction that occurs with one of the antispasticity drugs he is now taking. Nice catch, pharmacist. Bad slip prescribing doc. So now he is on two IV antibiotics. So he has two bags hanging off of the PICC. And this is something we have learned. If you ever have to get a PICC line, get the double port one. For some reason, they don't like to do this, they like to do a single port one. But every time D has had a PICC and we've argued for the double port, it has ended up that he's needed it. Besides then you can do blood draws and stuff with it. Anyway, I think one of the issues is that his pain management doc, the one who controls the pump, went to India for a month and left a NP in charge. I'm sure that the NP is great in many things, but this was a complicated situation and an actual real live doctor (or two) should have been brought in. D says he is done with that pain management clinic.

And as long as we are talking about medical things that piss us off...here is another thing. I have been very, very good about not writing about the in-laws, haven't I? But this little tidbit pissed both D and I off right good. It is not really a secret that I think that one of D's relatives is, well, a dumbass. Not that he is intellectually challenged, I think he is very smart. But he doesn't make decisions with his brain, he is driven mostly by his tiny, widdle, ego. So he has been sick with an infection. And he finally went to the doctor and got antibiotics. And for whatever reason, he got really sick on these antibiotics. Okay. So a normal person might call the doctor and get his scrip changed or perhaps get an antinasuea scrip or whatever. Not him. He is going to tough it out. So he stops taking his antibiotics after only a few days.

Ok, besides the fact that this is just stupid for his own health, he has an immune compromised brother with MRSA. I have an MRSA colonization, and I would not be surprised if his mother and father do too. His mother and father who are in their 70s with health problems. If you are not familiar with MRSA, it is a superbug. One that is very hard to fight because it has grown resistant to all but a few antibiotics. How did this happen? There are many reasons. Antibiotics in the animal meat we eat is a big one. But another big factor is caused by people who have abused their antibiotic use by stopping them too early. If you stop too early, you kill only the weak bacteria and the stronger ones go on to breed even stronger ones. They become so strong that they become immune to the effects of antibiotics. This is at least sorta, kinda commonly known? Right? I know it is known in our family.

So, he is too much of a tough guy to go see the doctor (or just make a phone call and a trip to the pharmacist) to straighten this out, so he is going to endanger the lives of his brother, his mother and everyone else who is immunosuppressed? I know the correlation isn't as direct as if he sneezes on his mother then she will get infested with a superbug. But it is just so goddamnned disrespectful to people who are fighting for their health and life in the sea of infections we all live with now. Why not just go blow cigarette smoke on someone with lung cancer, why don't you? (And to end this on a snotty little corollary note, I hope his significant other was able to hold him down and shove the needed antibiotics down his throat, as apparently I was supposed to hold D down and make him show me his foot wound way back. You know, because we women "caregivers" supposedly are to be held totally responsible for the medical decisions of our perfectly competent male partners.)

</snot>

Anyway, D got better and better each day in the hospital as far as coherence and withitness. He is far from being home free on this thing but that first week home was really goddawful and it is much better now. Doing antibiotics, laying low and trying to control pain and spasms as much as possible, and waiting it out until the next step can be taken. Hopefully that will be putting the pump back in. But to think there was a possibility that we could have avoided most or all of this is really mind numbing. This has turned out to be "A REALLY BIG DEAL." Every time a major infection like this happens, I know that this may be it. This may be the time he doesn't recover and it gets him. These superbugs are getting harder and harder to fight; they are running out of antibiotics to try. When he went back in last weekend, I was really thinking...what if this is the time? What if I have had the last coherent conversation with him? What if they run out of options? And every time he beats it, I'm happy, of course, but I know it is bringing us one step closer to the time when it really is the one where he can't beat it and there are no antibiotics left to try.

This knowledge I carry with me always. The fact that any one little thing could change everything in an instant and their is no guarantee that there will be another day with someone you love. On Saturday, my dad wanted to take me and the kids to the coast because it was a nice day. But the kids hadn't seen their dad in about 2 1/2 weeks and woke up in the morning asking to go over there. It was one of those things where I would have liked to take the kids to the coast. My dad does not often ask to do stuff with us. He is always busy doing his own thing. But I thought, what if something happens? What if I tell my kids we can see dad tomorrow and then tomorrow never comes? I could not live with myself to have to tell them again that they couldn't see him and this time it is for good. This is how I have to think and balance things out. Of course my dad could get hit by a bus and fall down dead and I would feel bad that we didn't go to the coast with him, but the kids weren't asking to do that. They were asking to go to daddy's house. They had been asking for days. And I kept saying soon, when daddy gets back from the hospital. (We did not go visit him this time because we were all sick ourselves.) So I kept putting them off and putting them off. But I am not ready to put them off forever. Maybe that day will come. But not today. Not today.

So we went over to his house and he had not gotten out of bed since he'd been back, nor had he been outside (except for transport to and from the hospital) in over three weeks. So my goal was to get him up into his chair and take a walk with the kids outside. It took quite a while to get him up. Lots of having to stop for spasms and dizziness and lots of tubes to rearrange. But we did it, finally.

And it was a nice day for us in February. And sometimes it is easy to feel bad for all the stuff we go through together, but that walk was the sweetest day. It was like triumph and winning and gratitude and peacefulness and joy all mixed together. The kids were happy, we stopped to see a cat, we stopped at the gazebo, we stopped at the playground. The four of us. D holding Naim's hand in front of Aaron holding my hand on the sidewalk. Would I take this for granted if we could do it everyday with no IVs to worry about and no hospitalizations to work around? Probably. There may not be much good about this health crap, but at least it teaches you to know, and know deeply, a sweet day when you get one.

Glad to have Dad back. (All those packs on his lap? That's all the IV bags and infusion pumps in there.)

Aaron still refuses to be photographed. He feels no obligation toward his public.

D took this picture. Caught Aaron finally.

Homeschool Inventory (take 2)

This is one of those posts that is more for me to sort out my thinking than anything else. I fully expect it will bore the crap out of everyone else.

First, some readers asked me long ago to take a picture of the kids' room after the whole drawn-out year-long project that drove me nuts happened. After all my whining about it, you probably will be like, is THAT all? Technically, it still isn't done. I still want to put some stuff on the walls, do a growth chart, possibly replace Aaron's broken lamp, put one of those art clotheslines up, and maybe a wall mirror. And better 'art' than the old bulletin board stuff that is gummied up there now. Things like that. Anyway, I finally took pictures of it today because I cleaned it and it is rarely clean.

Naim's side. The ball is Naim's Anger Ball that he hits instead of, well, us. The table and the desk raise to normal height. Those desks cost me about $12 each. Naim's cabinet has games and pattern blocks and stuff like that in it now.

Naim's bed with Aaron in it. Aaron always sleeps with "myblueblanketandmyyellowblanket." It is all one word.

Aaron's side. The red square is a magnetic bulletin board. Kind of dumb on my part, they started putting the magnets in their mouths so I took them away. They can use it when they are older. Currently, the cabinet has a CD player in it and their CDs and their old laptop and stuff like that.

Naim on Aaron's bed. These beds can convert to bunkbeds.

My dad built this closet for me. See? He's not an ass all the time. This was originally supposed to be a media room with a wet bar where the closet is. The room is huge, 13X16. Good for twins to share. This is where all of their clothes are and stuff like art supplies, play-doh, and montessori manipulatives.

The shelves I drooled over in the educational supply auction. They are sturdy as all get out, they are mobile with casters, and they have magnetic whiteboards on the back. We just flip 'em around and draw on the back with markers. The mat is actually two three-squared mats. They can make tents and stuff with them, or line them up length-wise in the hall and do somersaults and stuff down them. 99% of the time, more toys are on the floor than are in the shelves.

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One of my IRL friends was asking me why I did so much "organized stuff" and why not be all unschool-y. Part of it is probably because I'm a teacher and still have to beat that out of myself. But I think the other part is because a) it isn't as easy for us to just jump in the car and head out all over town and do stuff. I need to bring stuff in the house to make our home time more stimulating. b)  I need assistance to do some of the things other parents can just do on their own. For example, there was no way I could have taken two babies swimming by myself, but was able to with a class where the instructor helped. Due to vision/hearing stuff, the class structure gives me some backup and information that would be harder for me to do on my own. c) I have no time to think up stuff for the kids to do on my own, or hell, I'm just not very creative. d) with the kids largely dependent on me for stimulation/information at this age, I can't just find things on the fly like sighted/hearing people can. I have to plan ahead. Curriculum gives me those ideas and learning opportunities ready made in fairly easily accessible chunks. I think that we will move to a more un-schooly approach as the kids get older and more able to be independent learners. When they can read, for instance, the sky is the limit on what they can learn about, they will not have to wait for me to find things in a format that I can read to them.

I don't think I could go the total unschooling route where the kid just gets up in the morning and does whatever the hell he wants. I think some kids/parents do fine with that. But I think I would have to have some structure to it. But I am all on board with kid driven structure. For example, I say that they need to take one physical education class, one art class, and one music class a year and they decide which one. Or letting them pick themes to work around, etc. I know we will do a math curriculum because my math skills are too poor to teach it on the fly, but I can see us getting by with a more organic method for reading. Of course, this is what I need. If one kid takes off doing algebra on his own at age 8 and the other kid needs a really step-by-step phonics program for reading, then that's what we'll do.

At this age, though, everything is new and fun and exciting. As long as I pay attention to their cues about when they've had enough or want to move on or want more, it seems that almost anything we do is a winner. But we are transitioning from toddlerhood to preschool age, and there are a lot more opportunities out there now, and there is a greater need to find them stimulating places to go and things to learn. So, I'm trying to transition in my own head for this. See what we have the time and energy and interest for, what is most cost effective, what gives them the most opportunity to bring out their best skills. As they say in teaching, education is not filling up a kid with information, it is drawing out the potential that is already there.

Anyway, the formal stuff is what I'm worrying about here, but please don't get the idea that every little thing we do is structured and "curriculized." We take walks, cook together several times a week, read lots and lots of books just whenever, play games that we just think up, pretend, pretend, pretend, talk, sing spontaneous songs in our heads, play on the computer, go to our usual community stomping grounds, etc.

What we've done so far:

Curriculum: From about 6 mo. through 2 yrs. we went through all of the Montessori Assistant to Infancy program stuff. (Six binders full of little activities.) We did it much more informally than the official Montessori way.

We have done all of the one year old and over half of the two yr. old Brighter Vision packages. This was an impulse buy that I've been too ambivalent about to cancel. The kids really like these, but they bore me to tears. I could end these and the kids probably wouldn't notice, though. For $15, you get ten packages a year. Each package includes a (very formulaic) activity/sticker book, a nice hard-cover picture book (some are great, some are so-so), a craft-type activity, stickers, a parent newsletter, and a CD with children's songs on it. They all revolve around a theme such as "dinosaurs" or "faery tales". The kids love the CDs (which grate on my nerves, I usually let them listen to them at the start of naptime.), and they love the book and the activity book. These have been good to take over to D's house for them as he doesn't have a lot of "learning" type stuff for them to do. I'm probably going to cancel this.

This really isn't 'curriculum' per se, but we have also gone through all the Baby Einstein videos and the first series of "signing time." We've also done some of the BBC's "Muzzy" Spanish program. But I get this from the library and I always forget about it, so it probably doesn't do much good. Its funny though, it is a wacky british stylized cartoon all in spanish. They sit there engrossed.

Classes: We did one session of gymboree when they were one before I decided that it was a waste of money and I hated it. They took baby swimming, and have swam with me regularly in the summer months. They did little feet fridays at the gym. And we've done drop in painting and clay class at the children's museum. They've also done 3 yrs. of Healthy Start. Healthy Start now goes from 0-3, but I got grandfathered in from the 0-5 program. So I need to decide whether to continue. There is no downside to continuing except that it is hard to schedule around. We started at 3 days a week when they were infants, then once a week, and now we are at twice a month. I think I'm going to ask if I can go to once a month.

What we are currently doing...quickly:

• Funshine Express activities 3-5 days a week.
• Brighter Visions, whenever. 2-3 days a week.
• Sporties class, 1 day a week
• Tumbling 1 day a week
• Painting and or clay class, once or twice a month.
• "socialization" activities, child care and church nursery, 2-3 days a week.

What are the options for next year?:

The preschool question:

I don't really think preschool (in and of itself) is necessary, although there are a lot of good reasons to go. In my case, I mainly want my kids to have somewhere to GO during the long rainy, cold winter months. I wrack my brain trying to think of indoor ways for them to release some energy. Another good thing about preschool is that they can make messes somewhere else besides my house. Aaron loves the water/sand table type of stuff. I'm fine with that in the summer when I can send him outside with it, but I hate doing that stuff in the winter in the house, yuck.

In my case, I will not get the total benefits for 'mom time' from preschool. By the time I take my kids there, there would be no time to bus it back and turn around and go again. So, I'm not only looking for a comfortable environment for them, I'm looking for an environment for me where I could have some quiet space to do some computer work or read or perhaps run errands nearby. Also, I have pretty much ruled out anything but coops due to price. So, I will have to volunteer there as well, which also cuts into the me time. But I would get some.

Here is where I will interject my ongoing peeve about the Goddard School. I only pick on this school in particular because it is literally FEET from my house, but I'm sure there are many other places like it. We walk by it nearly daily and see the kids playing outside. I tell my kids that they can't play on the (fenced in) play equipment because it is only for the school children there. It would be so nice to walk the kids over there a couple of days a week and walk back to my house for some coveted me in the house time. But $335 per child for a 3 hour day, 2 days a week. $445 for a full day, two days a week. So for me, that would be $670 per month for 6 hours a week of child-free time. Is it me or is this outrageous? The other thing is that I've visited the place now three different times. It is okay, but there is NOTHING special that I can see about this place. Nothing. It is regular standard old stuff. Age grouped kids in small rooms all day doing the usual stuff with high turnover staff and a little bit of daily outdoor time. When my kids were born, I went to their infant room which was smaller than my kids bedroom and saw the eight little cribs lined up on one side and the little play area on the other and it depressed me. So, anyway, I hate that school with a filthy vengeance. Entirely because it taunts me with its convenience, teases my kids with its exclusive play equipment, and robs everyone who goes there.

Okay, so here are my options thus far:

Option A: "CCC" Coop recommended to me by several people who rave about it. I would know some of the families there. It would take a short train ride and a bus ride to get there. Once I got there, there is nothing for me to do but hide in the lobby area waiting room. It is on a very busy street. There are many classes to choose from. i.e. Morning/afternoon. Cost: 2 mornings a week @ 3hrs. $294 (both kids) while volunteering 4 times a month.

Option B: "HPP" Small Coop located in church (not affiliated.) Don't know much about it (visiting Feb. 20). Seems to value community building. Child centered. One relatively short train ride + two block walk, quiet neighborhood. Can work in empty classroom. Some shops and stuff nearby for errand running. Cost: 2 mornings a week, 2 1/2 hrs. $180/mo. for both. Lots of volunteer work. 4 days a month in classroom + three trainings a year+ four 'workdays' and four 'cleaning days' a year + required to volunteer at auction + required to have two "jobs" (taking care of classroom pet, taking book orders, etc.).

Option C: "HPR" This is a park and rec program. So it is a bit fragmented and lots of turnover with kids and staff. Train plus bus ride. Nothing close by, may sit in lobby or empty classroom if available. Nice park next door. Hard to get into. Cost: 3 hrs. two days a week. $180. NO volunteer work!

Option D: "VH" This is a homeschool coop. So there are classes there for kids of all ages. Also homeschool community activities, field trips, etc. Furthest away. A 20 min. train ride and a 1/2 mile walk or bus. Surrounded by library, park some stores and businesses. Could work in empty classroom if available or library. Preschool program is only 1 day a week for 2:45, but they do have other (free) activities for little kids on other days. Membership is $225. Volunteer rate is $180 per term (3 terms) with 10 hrs. of volunteer work per term. (I like that there is a time limit!) That's $85 per month.

I'm leaning toward Option D, the homeschool coop. But I need to see how bad the transportation is going to be. Also, I'm a little irritated that they haven't answered my emails. Do they seriously expect me to (gasp!) call them in this day and age? But it is the cheapest, has the most for me to do while they are there. The volunteering is reasonable, and they (and I) might build friendships with homeschoolers that last years. But I'm going to wait till I've seen all of the programs before I make my final decision..

Curriculum:

I'm trying to decide whether to fork out the $360 (for the year) to do funshine express next year. The kids like it, it is easy for me to always have something available for them to do, they will probably get even more out of it next year than this year because their skills have improved so much. It is basically preschool style unit studies, which I like, but these unit studies are selected by them and not by us. Right now that is ok, because they are interested in everything. But I do notice how much more WoWed! they are when a unit happens to be something of special interest to them. Like we just did trains in Dec. and did fire safety in Oct. and they LOVED that. We just finished penguins, and they were interested but not nuts about it. If I could whip up a unit study based on their interests (like space shuttles and all things space, right now) that would be ideal. But I'm not sure I have time to pull that off. I admit it, I like being spoon fed for the time being. I love being able to hand off a booklist to a librarian and instantly she gives me the appropriate books. I don't think it is bad to introduce unit studies that the kids might not be all about at any given time, how else would they ever know if they would be interested? But FE goes overboard with the Holidays and holiday themes bore me. They change themes every year, so I might wait and look at what next year's themes are before I decide. For what you get, it is not a bad price (It is so chock-full of stuff you never will run out of things to do. You get most all of the supplies for arts and crafts, which I like. I hate having to hunt down spools or pipe cleaners. I would never do any of these crafts if the supplies weren't readily available to me.) And it is really a cafeteria style thing. You can pick and choose what you want. But we don't NEEEEEED it, we could live without it. But I'm afraid I would waste days of taking so much time to decide what to do (especially bad weather indoor days) that we would not do much of anything.

Oak Meadow has a preschool program that is much less structured and only costs $100. (minus art supplies and stuff.) I like it because it is very nature based and Waldorf-y. But it is something that requires more planning to get stuff together. And in a way, I don't think there is enough stuff to do. At least for us. It will say, "Go on a nature hike and pick up 30 different kinds of leaves." I'm limited with this type of thing. I like the thought of it, but I don't know how well I would execute it. I also worry that it is a little simplistic for my kids. I think academically they might not be challenged.

Calvert has a boxed school preschool set for about the same price as FE. When I was a homeschooling newbie, I got all excited about Calvert. But now I have decided that I hate, hate, hate their history/social studies program. Very eurocentric/red, white and blue. Also their reading program is probably ok, but I would want more flexibility. I have heard good things about their math program. For preschool, it looks just...boring, to me. It looks like a lot of worksheets.

Montessori. I could get free Montessori lesson plans online. But the program is very manipulatives based and those things are expensive! I actually have some of them, or knock offs of some of them. For example, I have a miniature pink tower and knobbed cylinders. Some people go here and get paper versions of the manipulatives. And that is probably ok, but stacking pink tower cards just doesn't cut it for me. Some things just need to be in 3D. (Especially for me, I'm a big touchy, feely 3D fan.) So, I think I could incorporate Montessori into what we do like I have been. Just really informally when I think of it or happen to look something up.

No curriculum/make it up as we go. I'm actually going to try this over the summer and see how it works out. I don't really have anything for the summer planned. So we will see how bored we get. Of course, in summer we are outside a lot more, it is in winter that the FE has really made our days more fun. I'm sure there are other options or combinations thereof. We often just pull out the baby einstein 365 days activity book. They've really outgrown that, but Brainquest would be the same idea. Or work more on the computer. I have declared my computer off limits to the kids. But they use D's a lot and also we have a used (very slow) laptop that we let them use sometimes. There are tons of websites out there with free educational kids games. And you can always pick up Hooked on Phonics stuff or sticker/activity books at Costco.

Classes:

I think about classes not only as a fun place to go but also as a support for my weak areas. Sports, Music, Art. I used to be okay at individual sports, figure skating of course, and I still can swim. But ball stuff, distance running stuff, anything involving coordination? Not my strength. Music I really like but have never had a strong background in it (although I had to learn how to read music and pluck it out on a piano in college, I still do that like a third grader.) The visual arts I've never had any appreciation or affinity for. My ideal would be to have them in one physical activity, one music, and one artsy class each year. I don't know if that means at the same time or not. Some things could arguably be combined. Like dance. That is both physical, musical, and artsy. This is largely a funding issue for me.

We really like the tumbling class, so I'd like to keep that. It is $80 per month (both kids). We could also take dance and kindermusik there. It is a really, really easy walk from my house which is always such a big selling point for me. But I know I could find cheaper. Our parks and rec has a tumbling class also, but it is crazy hard to get to. I might take them out of their sporties for shorties class after this term and put them into dance or kindermusik. I think Naim would really like dance. Aaron would probably do better in kindermusik. In my fantasies I would like them to learn an instrument. Piano would be my first choice but rather impractical. Violin is somewhat more accessible because of D's background in it. Kindermusik is supposed to be a great precursor to learning an instrument. So, that would be nice to do, but I don't know if I could have them do it AND tumbling or dance. So we might just have to take turns. Oh! and VH (homeschool coop from above) has a free sing, dance and play music class. So perhaps that would be workable instead of the more expensive Kindermusik.

At this age, art is something we can do at home, or do very cheaply at the children's museum. So I will probably put that off. I just have 0 interest in visual arts. So that path would probably have to come from my kids. I'd be satisfied to just occasionally put them in a summer art workshop for a week every year or something. But for now, I think it is something we can pass up.

So, tentatively for next year:

Curriculum: lazily leaning towards FE again, with a sprinkling of homemade Montessori. But see how no curriculum/do it yourself goes this summer. Ditch Brighter Vision.

Preschool: leaning towards VH 1 day a week w/ free music class another day a week.

Classes: Continue tumbling. Add either dance or kindermusik (or alternate per term.) Continue painting and clay classes at Children's museum. Maybe in summer they can do something more sporty at the gym.

And this is actually what I have budgeted for now...saving about $360 (minus supplies I'd get for the kids in place of) if I ditch FE.

Preschool, homeschool, etc. (Next time)

Thank you all for your good wishes, candles, and karma. So far D is "stable" and full of bacteria of all sorts. And varying degrees of coherent and loopy. I actually told him today to take a few deep breaths and think about what he wanted to say and stop going all Britney Spears on me. (tangent: I was never a Britney fan, but her story lately saddens me and it has crossed over into the disability rights realm. Don't know who has her best interests at heart, but not really understanding why a guardian ad litem has not been assigned to her. Anyway, I actually find myself compassionately pulling for her these days.) But, I don't want to talk about Britney, or D, right now.

But here is a funny dad story. A couple of days ago when D went in the hospital, I decided that I was not going to go over to his apartment in the cold and feed the cat every day this time, so I brought him over here. And I set up his litter box, and his food and water, and his little bed. I put a can of his food in the fridge. The kids noticed him right away, the dog noticed him right away, and they even had a few minor altercations. He's lived here before, so he just walked around like he owned the place. And it took my dad over two days to realize he was here. I would sit there trying not to laugh while Kai would mosey accross the living room while my dad was watching TV, and he wouldn't  notice him. And then today, finally, my dad says "There's a cat in the house!" as if a stray cat just wandered in off the street. He didn't even recognize him at first. (He has seen him-even lived with him for weeks on end before.) That's Kai, dad. And the best thing is, he can hardly complain about it when he was not bothered enough to even notice him for over two days. But don't want to talk about my dad right now, either.

Okay, there is a post on preschool/homeschool coming...it was what I was going to write here. But I am catching Aaron's cold so I think I need to wait on that and get some rest.

Candle of Concern; Candle of Gratitude

In most UU churches, there is a part of the service where you can go up and light a candle of joy or concern or hope or gratitude for someone or some thing or event. Larger Churches do a collective one or have a limit to the number of people who can go up and light and talk (first 5 or whatever). Our church is small, so it is kind of whoever wants to go up can. Sometimes it is hardly any or quite a few. It can change the length of the service. It is one of my favorite parts of the service because you get to share other people's joys and concerns and it isn't about prayer or God really (unless you want it to be), it is more about sharing the good and the bad with others so that happy times can grow within others and the burdens of life can be eased through the sharing of them.

I do not go up there often. Certainly not every time D is in the hospital because then I feel like I'd be up there every other week.(Or it would seem, but actually D went a whole year without a hospitalization or major illness.)  But I have gone up two or three times. The last time was in April, when I lit a candle for Snickollet when her husband died. I truly believe that sometimes things are too joyous or painful to be contained within us, and when we share those things with others, those who are willing can take some of it on for themselves so you don't have to.

Today I wanted to go to church and light a candle. But I didn't get to go because Aaron was sick with a fever. Last week has been pretty miserable for D. His spasms and pain were not being well controlled by medication. The medication wasn't right and causing his BP to fluctuate wildly and for him to really lose the ability to be very coherent. Last night he took an ambulance to the emergency room after what appears to be the symptoms of an accidental drug overdose. He is stable now, and I talked to him this morning and he was semi-cognizant. This thing is getting to be a lot to take. The burden is weighing heavily on us, and I find a need to share it with others.

I wanted to go to church and light a candle. I wanted to take Naim and have my dad stay with Aaron at home. Aaron's fever was in the 101 range, and I gave him motrin, so some fluids and couch time and he will be okay. All my dad would have had to do was sit with him in front of the TV for a bit over an hour. But he didn't want to, even though right now as we speak during church time he is sitting with Aaron on the couch watching TV. Ninety-nine percent of the time I can take my dad's selfish shit. I just ignore it. There is good in there, I do see it. But sometimes it just gets to me. I probably could have coerced him into it or struck some kind of deal with him, but I just didn't have it in me...so fuck it. We will all stay home. Maybe later I can bundle Aaron up in the stroller and take Naim for a walk. It is a pretty nice day out.

So if I had been able to go to church, and sit for a peaceful hour by myself, and talk to well-wishers and kind people, and lay down my burdens a bit, here is what my candles would have been for:

The first, a candle of concern for D of course. And hope that we can find a way to get through the next two months safely and with a minimum of pain for him, and that there is a solution; a light at the end of this tunnel that in a few weeks a new pump will be able to be easily popped back in with no complications.

The second, a candle of gratitude for friends and those who have offered to help. D has a good friend named Jason, who really is a good guy and sticks by him no matter what. He is a young guy, late 20s, I think. And he is a good looking, energetic, healthy guy who could easily be out partying with friends instead of coming to visit D at 10pm to see if he is ok.  Years and years ago, one of D's brothers made some comment to me that burned into my brain. He said that no guys will want to hang out with D because he would cramp their style (paraphrase, and to be fair, I don't know if he still believes this.) And I thought, yeah...that's probably true. But their are good guys out there who aren't that shallow and think of friends as more than helpful props to pick up women. Jason is one of those good guys.

And I am so thankful for my friend, Niklas, who I've known for 15 years and who stayed up and talked to me last night until 3am (his time) and who took me from being on the verge of tears and a pounding headache, to laughing and being pain free in a matter of a couple of hours. (Even though, for some unknown reason, our conversations always seem to involve pe*nises and jokes about said pe*nises...but hey, it worked, damn it.) Niklas is someone who likes me for who I am, only wants what is best for me, and puts aside almost everything to lend an ear when I need one. He is threatening to come and visit us in May, and he better follow through or I am going to send D and my children to Toronto for a week so he can deal with them and I can have a 'house vacation.'

Also, people at the church have been extremely helpful. I have had numerous offers to help babysit the kids. A 14 year-old girl came over last night and brought pizza for the kids for a few hours. One thing I have to say is that the kids/young adults at my church are really amazing. They are so polite and generous and thoughtful and interesting to talk to. If I can produce teenagers like that, I'll have done good.

So, those would be my candles that I would have lit at church today, except that I only would have said a sentence for each, of course. I'm virtually lighting them here, because I need to share my burdens and my gratitude, and because I hope the light from my virtual candles can join with the light of all that is good and kind and generous out there.

(And I will ignore the fact that my dad just said to me, "So, did D make it through the night?" And "you better find some more work in case he doesn't make it." And I will ignore the fact that he just left the house at 12:12pm. If he would have been willing to wait about 20 more minutes, I would have been home from church anyway. I will ignore these things because they are just negative and dark and pointless. Today, no matter what, I'm all about the light.)

Oooh, Oooh, It's a Money Taboo

I shall now talk about money. Something that I've noticed that poor(er) people have no trouble talking about, but rich people NEVER talk about. I'm a poor(er) person. So I lay it all out there. I just don't care. I'm not sure what the reason is for the rich money talking taboo, but perhaps it is that whole faux meritocracy thing where richer people are more likely to equate money with success and self-worth, and poor(er) people know that not to be true of themselves. We struggle, we know others struggle. It is all the good fight that we all work at, and in the end it is not what we are.

So it's January. Which means I have to look at the next years budget. And I'm also being forced to think about preschool in January because aparently it is harder to get into preschool than college, and Emmie has me thinking (more on that in a sec), and the 'tax rebate' has me thinking as well. (Click on the above graphic to find out more sustainable and productive things to do with your rebate than consume it on crap you don't need.)

So Emmie and a growing number of people are striking out against the notion that a growing economy of stuff and debt can sustain itself by resolving not to buy anything new for a year. (Food and a few other things excepted. Like, toilet paper and underwear come to mind.) Emmie, who rocks anyway cuz she bucks the convention by not owning a TV and by having her own egg-laying chickens, is going to document her progress on her blog. I think this is a wonderful idea, and something that folks with less means have been doing for necessities sake. It is really nice to see people with at least some means doing it for all the right reasons.  I need to do it more for both reasons, although I'm just going to take little steps and not say "a year!" --more like a month at a time.

So, here is the preliminary budget. Yes, I'm going to show it to you. This is how I live on $32K a year with two children. Things to know:

• D and I essentially have separate financials. But it is very informal in that sometimes I buy the groceries, sometimes he does. Big, fixed bills we do on our own, little stuff is just whoever.
• I'm blacking out certain information, not so much because I care if you know where my income comes from, but I'm not sure my employers would want you to know specifics like that. Don't want to be dooced, so better safe than sorry. Also other blacked out info is just identifying things.
• Some of my income is from SSDI. Until you have walked in my shoes, gone to my job interviews, been denied coverage due to preexistings and been fearful for your life and health when you had no medical insurance, sacrificed your job to help your husband/partner live and be kept out of a nursing home when there is no other medical help available to access, and lost your vision and hearing on the job whilst nearing a deadline you can't complete because your alternatives are vanishing before your eyes...you don't get to say anything about that. Right now, SSDI is the best, most secure way to insure that me and my kids have some sort of income and medical care. You will notice that I still pay quite a bit for insurance premiums. If we ever get universal healthcare in this country, we'll talk. Until then, if you have a problem with it, STFU.
• This is the projected budget in a worst case scenerio sense. Certain decisions haven't come to pass yet, such as preschool, what classes the kids might take (tumbling, etc.), and what formal curriculum (if any) I use for them next year.
• Yes there is porky fat in it. Yes some of it has to go. Those decisions have yet to be made.
• What isn't even on there is stupid purchases that I don't really need to make. Like pizza delivery  or impulse music or book purchases. I do do these things, but I will go for weeks or months and not do them, and then binge on stupid purchases for a few weeks. Sure, every once in a while I deserve a dinner out...but I'd like to not let my checking account hit Zero and instead take some of the surplus and put it in savings.
• I do have some savings. I have a money market account and a retirement account. They probably don't have as much money in them as yours does, but they do exist.
• I'm lucky to have no debt. I did have student loans and some credit card debt coming out of college but a) I was lucky to have recieved a lot of financial aid for college; b) I took, ahem, NINE YEARS to get a bachelors and masters, mainly because I worked every semester, took a light course load and paid expenses as I went, c) when I started working, I paid off my loans/cards in huge chunks, like $500/month, and d) I have one credit card for emergencies, I haven't used it since 1999. Yes, I am the dreaded "deadbeat" credit card holder. My psyche can't tolerate debt, but I'm not judging those who can/do. I can see the draw.
• As you can see, I am extremely fortunate to have great rent. The trade off of this is that I don't own my own home and  I LIVE WITH MY DAD. I haven't decided yet how fair of a trade-off that is. It depends on the day.

So here it is: Budget (ptf). I will probably not have this up very long. But my purpose in displaying it is that I think it is okay to talk about money, it is much easier if you understand that it doesn't define you nor is there one right way for everyone to manage it. And I am always curious as to how others spend and save. What they pay for groceries, preschool, etc. How they save money, what they sacrifice and what they won't give up. What would you do in my situation? What do you think I'm doing that's outlandish? Or good? I'm not going to take it personally if I disagree with you...we are all different. I'm showing you mine, so you show me yours. (Okay, you don't have to do it in as much detail, but let me know some of your thoughts on budgeting in general.) Also, there is a preschool post coming up and financial stuff is a big part of that.

Oh, and my big, ridiculous $300 tax "rebate" will probably go into savings, if I even get one...I think I might not make enough?

Oh! I just have to share this with you. It is related to sustainability. Today I stopped at Walgreens and they gave me a few canvas grocery bags in an effort to reduce the use of plastic bags. And the clerk put my bags in a plastic bag! Before I could say anything, she was talking to the next costumer. I thought that was hilarious.